[MINGLE] One-Man Show

[sixthiteration]

WHERE: Inari Shrine and elsewhere
WHEN: 25 January 2019 through ?
OPEN TO: All opted in characters
WARNINGS: Please warn in the subject line of your comment as needed, and remember to move anything turning adult to a new post.
IMPORTANT NOTES: Final reminders and informational links are here. Please label all top-levels clearly so that there is no confusion who they are open to and what they are for, and DON'T FORGET TO ADD YOUR TAG!
Have fun and ask questions here!

Comments

[fishermansweater]

He needs some rope.

He needs something, something to anchor him now, to stop the workings of his mind from slipping out of their grooves and jamming. He wants to flinch at the touch, but he doesn't, because he's good at not flinching. He knows breathing is important, as hard as it is, and he's so busy trying to focus on that that he doesn't hear the start of what Bull says.

What he does hear is a compliment to the desperate plan he'd come up with. A reassurance about what well-deployed secrets can do. And after that, words he'd never thought he'd hear from anyone: my job was to collect secrets like that, and the description of exactly the things that Finnick's done for so many years.

"How could you stand it?" he whispers.

[ataashihunter]

"You think about the people you are doing it for. Thinking about keeping them safe. You do it because if you don't you fail them. And then you keep the secrets of what you did because the truth would hurt them." Bull speaks slowly and carefully. He's seen this sort of panic before, spoken plenty of soldiers down from it. His hand is steady, he doesn't move or squeeze or pull away. Just an anchor if Finnick needs it.

"It is a hard job and you see the worst in people, even people you trust because it is our job to find the cracks in their armour, the ways to make them bleed. And it becomes so ingrained in you that you can't stop even if you wanted too."

[fishermansweater]

He'd been uneasy about Bull when they'd first met, unsettled by the gray skin and horns that seemed so unnatural to him. But now, Finnick gazes at the Qunari with something like the childlike awe of a student to an admired teacher. It's a vulnerable look, and Finnick would be upset with himself if he could see how desperate for approval he seems.

"I didn't want to do it," he protests, feebly, because it's not Bull he needs to convince, it's his wife, and she has always known what he was in the Capitol, for the media, for Snow and his allies.

"I wanted to hurt them, and secrets were all I had." But he'd never planned to use the things he knew, not like this. Maybe a whispered betrayal of a stolen confidence to destroy one person, but not what they'd just seen.

But it was Annie. She's the only person he'd speak about like that, and he'd do anything for her.

[ataashihunter]

"I know you didn't want to. None of us do. But we do them anyway, because we have to, because people are relying on us. Because we 're strong for them." Bull gives Finnick a soft smile. "You are, you know, strong. They thought they could break you and they were wrong, you turned what they did to you into a weapon against them."

He takes a breath. "Secrets are a powerful weapon, it can crumble empires faster than any other I've seen. But if you want, I can help you so it isn't the only one."

[fishermansweater]

There'd been an elaborate lie, a game that he'd played on the people of Panem. Only those who were important or rich enough to afford him knew that was what it took. Everyone else was supposed to assume that he was attaching himself to the Capitol's elite by choice, for their money or fame as though he didn't have enough of either himself. But he'd had no choice. He slept with who he was told to, except Annie.

Annie had been his big rebellion, the one thing he'd done for himself, because he wanted to. And here, he'd been able to escape that, without the reputation he had in Panem. Nobody had known except Annie and Johanna. Nobody until now.

"It never felt strong," he admits, hunching down over his knees. "But it was all I had against them. That and choosing someone I love."

His head drops down and he doesn't speak for a little while, he just breathes, tries to focus on that, without his mind slipping away into the things he'd just watched himself say.

"I never really knew what I was doing. I just tried to survive."

warn: consent issues?

[ataashihunter]

Bull smiles slightly. "You have someone here right? She someone you know from home?" Yeah he's paid attention. "Think about her, think about getting back to her. We'll help you get there." He isn't entirely sure about how to think about that. The Qun didn't really allow for that, but on the other hand, he wasn't sure what to tell Finnick. This wasn't a competition after all.

"And you did. Quite well too." Then he takes a breath, maybe it will be easier if Finnick he knows he is not alone. "Before I moved to the human lands I was asked to stud a couple of times. That is how Qunari do it. We have the Tamassrans who keep the track of the bloodlines and they pick who is supposed to get children with who. It isn't entirely the same, but I know how it is to have to be with someone you don't want and having to go through with it anyway."