[MINGLE] One-Man Show

[sixthiteration]

WHERE: Inari Shrine and elsewhere
WHEN: 25 January 2019 through ?
OPEN TO: All opted in characters
WARNINGS: Please warn in the subject line of your comment as needed, and remember to move anything turning adult to a new post.
IMPORTANT NOTES: Final reminders and informational links are here. Please label all top-levels clearly so that there is no confusion who they are open to and what they are for, and DON'T FORGET TO ADD YOUR TAG!
Have fun and ask questions here!

Comments

[rebornpaladin]

Shiro leans into Altair, letting his head rest against the man's shoulder, deflating a little.

"I don't sleep a lot, most nights," he confesses quietly. "I never had dreams like that, growing up. Only since-" His time with the Galra.

[eaglesonofnone]

He was careful in how he reached up, stroking his hand over Takashi's hair. "Such things are natural," he said quietly. "Our sleeping mind has more freedom than when we are awake. I'm sorry that such a thing happened to you at all."

[rebornpaladin]

He wants to point out that worse has happened, to a lot of people. One of them being Altair. He only sighs, though, eyes closing, comforted by the touch, grounded by Altair's voice.

"Thank you. It's strange, how it's all... clicked in. And other things, they're clearer now. It's like a floodgate was opened."

[eaglesonofnone]

"A horrible floodgate at that," he sighed, his arm tightening around Takashi's shoulders. "As unsettling as the memory is, at least now you can begin to truly put it into your past rather than having a puzzle that you can't help but tease apart."

[rebornpaladin]

"Yeah," Shiro agrees, "that's... the silver lining. I'm remembering... things that bring up more questions. But there's no way to answer them, here, so I'm just going to try and focus on... on accepting what I know, what I can remember, and... letting go of the rest. For now," he adds with a mild shrug and rueful half smile.

"How are you?" he asks softly, concern creeping into his tone.

[eaglesonofnone]

His thumb grazed over Takashi's shoulder, reassuring without words. But then he exhaled, shaking his head as he considered the question posed to him. "I am..."

The words trailed away. There was much he could say, he supposed. Much he could say to that question. But he found little of it he wanted to say, even to Takashi. Yet...

Yet.

"I am... reminded of many things," Altaïr murmured at last. "My own behaviour after those deaths. What I became. How I shamed what was left of my family. How I learned more about myself than, at the time, I wished to know."

Slowly, his gaze wandered upward, anywhere but toward those around him. "Currently, I am ashamed of being glad for the distraction of travel, and that my story was not the only one told. I should not find relief in such a thing, another's sorrow taking attention from mine, and yet I do. Proof that I am not yet the man I had thought myself to be. And with each thought, all I do is add to my own confusion."

[rebornpaladin]

"...I would never try to tell you what to feel," Shiro says carefully, "but shame, that's... Altair, the only reason I can begin to imagine how deeply and... irrevocably traumatic witnessing the people I love being killed like that would be is because I witnessed it through your eyes. If that happened to-"

Any of the Paladins, his friends, but people he'd loved his whole life? There weren't many. Adam, maybe.

Keith.

He shakes his head, not wanting to imagine it, not wanting to tempt the nightmare to come back, or change shape.

"I think I would have lost my mind." He squeezes Altair's forearm where his hand has come to rest.

"There's no shame in being grateful you're not alone, even if the circumstances are... awful."

[eaglesonofnone]

He exhaled, quiet and slow, before admitting, "I did lose my mind, in a way. For twenty years, I did nothing but look into the Apple, seeking a way to bring them back, or some ability to -- to turn back time and prevent it all. Of course, I could not. But in all that time..."

He had been in such a state that his memories of that time, despite having been healthy at 56, were still blurred, overlaid with images from the Apple, words distant, more murmur than shout. But he remembered looking up one day to find, "Sef's family left. Darim left with them. I was alone, and for good reason. All I did was add the weight of my grief to their struggle. In Alexandria, they were able to build a new life - and all I could do was cling to the past, hiding in Alamut as nothing more than an aging man."

So he had begged Jacob, shameless, not to leave him alone when he had first seen Maria's death. Had clung to him, and Jacob had stayed with him until he had felt steady on his feet. Now, he simply didn't bother thinking about any of it for long. He would cope with it once more when he had more freedom to do so instead of needing to keep his wits about him in this landscape full of unknown dangers. Altaïr sighed and murmured, yet again, "For in much wisdom is much grief; and he who increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. When I feel uncharitable, I think I should have let Swami give the Apple to Abbas. Then perhaps my grief would be lesser for he would have shouldered his share."

[rebornpaladin]

"It's not fair that you had to carry all of it," Shiro murmurs, watching Altair's profile with a faint frown.

"I didn't realize..." he starts, hesitating to bring up deeper wounds, but they're already there.

"I had no idea... Malik." Shiro barely knows the man and still, witnessing his death, discovering the conditions around it, they make his chest ache. The knowledge hurts, the way knowing, now, of Zevran's past hurts. It's palpable, physical and real.

[eaglesonofnone]

He sighed. "As with most things, it was my doing, his death. Albeit indirectly." Altaïr's hand curled around Takashi's arm as he began the tale. "I had been gone from Masyaf for ten years, longer than I had ever anticipated. I had left us all in a good position: we held Cyprus from the Templars, Masyaf was safe. Malik and Sef were at the head of the citadel while Maria, Darim, and I went into Mongolia. We had every reason to believe the Mongols held a Piece of Eden, such as the Apple, and that facilitated their conquering force. I did not anticipate Abbas still holding his grudge against me, or taking it so far as he did. We returned to find Masyaf nearly emptied, a husk of what it had once been. Cyprus had been reclaimed. Much of Masyaf village had been abandoned, the remaining men of the citadel mistreating the citizens.

"Abbas had ordered Sef killed, and had used Malik's knife in Swami's hand to do it, making it all too plausible for him to put Malik into the dungeons and take charge for himself. When Maria and I returned, he had been imprisoned for... years, at the least."

[rebornpaladin]

"I don't understand the Apple fully," he whispered, leaning into Altair more, wishing there was any kind of real comfort he could offer, something tangible he could do or even say to ease any of the pain the memories brought.

"But the decision you made, what we saw - Would it have killed him?"

[eaglesonofnone]

He had no reason to lie. And that was why he said softly, "Yes. And he knew it would. He had experience with the Apple before. I do not know why I was immune to the Apple's effects, but for everyone else, the Apple extracted a price from the very force that kept them alive. It would drain them to the point of death for them to use it as--"

His words stopped abruptly, eyes closing in a wince as the memory came yet again. His hand gripping the apple tightly, golden beams cutting through the air as Swami choked on a cry. It was no small wonder that Maria had stopped him. Such vindictiveness...

"--As I did," he exhaled, "against Swami. I was the only one who never paid that price. I've always attributed that to the amount of death in my life, but there is no way to know."