[MINGLE] One-Man Show

[sixthiteration]

WHERE: Inari Shrine and elsewhere
WHEN: 25 January 2019 through ?
OPEN TO: All opted in characters
WARNINGS: Please warn in the subject line of your comment as needed, and remember to move anything turning adult to a new post.
IMPORTANT NOTES: Final reminders and informational links are here. Please label all top-levels clearly so that there is no confusion who they are open to and what they are for, and DON'T FORGET TO ADD YOUR TAG!
Have fun and ask questions here!

Comments

[championofsnark]

Hawke feels raw, seeing the innocence in herself, before it all went down. When she thought she was so bloody tough, but she had no idea what was in store. After her many losses, she thought the world couldn't make it worse. She usually avoids true emotion at all costs, but this one time she'll let herself be weak, and she is coaxed into Cougar, briefly, resting her head on his shoulder. Remembering to breathe.

"I used to be happy, that's the worst part. I really was." She had a point when she was the Champion. Her friends were all there, they were at the height of their glamour and influence. She fell deeply in love with a man she could see spending the rest of her life with, if he only let her. Her family was together. It then cracked and broke. "I'm never going to get that back."

[thecatinahat]

Cougar tugs at her and offers her a brief hug, a one-armed embrace as he tries to let her come in and get the attention she needs. He doesn't want to say anything before she's done (not that he would, he's not a man of words, after all), but he thinks it's good to listen.

"You will," he says, because maybe it won't be the same kind of happiness, but it's definitely going to be something that she'll be again. "Different, but you will." He knows from experience, because he's never going to be sweet and innocent again, but he's still got happiness.

[championofsnark]

Hawke rarely speaks on her past, and especially of all to people from her own world. There's too much drama and background there, too much opinion. Maybe it's because these people are new friends that she feels alright to look for kindness, to let her emotions spiral out of control and spin around her.

"I failed. I was supposed to save my city and I led to its destruction." She wipes at her eyes, wishing there was something that could be done outside of purging this all over again. "I died and I thought maybe there was redemption in that, but I don't know if there is something like that for people like me." Killers to the core, for good or for bad, she is that.

[thecatinahat]

Cougar knows more about failing than he wants to even begin to think about, even if he's trying not to let that show on his face. That dread, that creeping feeling, it's in the back of his head that he can't see himself getting out of this place without his own penance.

Until that moment, he's here for support and he's going to lean into that. "You pay for your sins, over years," he says, because he does. He prays, he suffers, and he truly believes that maybe one day, it will equal the suffering of those children. It may take more time than he has, but one day.

"You feel guilt," he points out. "Already a good step."

[championofsnark]

Hawke nods, and she's glad someone understands. "My friends keep trying to absolve me, or make it better, but it's not helpful. They are blinded." By their love for her, and she appreciates that in some ways, but in others it's part of the problem. There was so much trust given to her. "Several of them went against their own loyalties to others to stand by me." Influence like that? It was powerful and in the moment she needed that. She needed Aveline to turn against the Templars, she needed Fenris to pick to work with the mages despite hating them. But they fundamentally changed who they were for her.

"I willfully ignored it, you know." This was the worst part by far. "There were signs. He was acting oddly, he sent me on these missions without giving me details, and I didn't question it." She should have. Of all people, Hawke with her paranoia and awareness should have seen what the pieces were he was putting together. She heard that again from the memory, you knew, Champion? No, not officially, but she knew something wasn't right. "I didn't want to see it."

[thecatinahat]

There's only comfort for yourself in absolution, but then, Cougar's always believed in a higher power holding him accountable for the things he's done wrong. This is no different, and he knows that. It means he suffers more, maybe he suffers too much, but he thinks that he needs to.

It's because of what he did, so he needs to pay his penance.

"You're a soldier," is what he says to the rest. Even if you did see it, what right did you have to complain or ask questions when you're a sergeant to a corporal's orders? You follow them, even if you worry. "His job to protect you." And by not doing so, that's on him, not her.

[championofsnark]

"No," Hawke says quietly. "I mean, I was. I was in the army, and in a mercenary guild afterward." So she did follow orders. With some lip, but mostly obediently. She was good at it, honestly. She accomplished her tasks and got a name for herself. But she didn't intend things to get more than that, until she was independent and whispers started to grow about her being someone who could help.

"I became an independent contractor, but ...." She sighs. "I was the leader. The missions were requests. My friends did their own missions too. He said he needed my help." He wasn't technically her soldier though. Clearly, as he went rogue. "It's still my responsibility, his power in many ways grew because of my name, my influence. The Champion's chosen companion. There is weight to that."

[thecatinahat]

It sounds very much like they had similar lives, if Cougar listens. He had been in the army until they didn't want to keep the Losers because they had been framed. Then, they had been mercenaries, too, weren't they? They had been after revenge, but they were operating under no one's authority.

He hadn't been a leader, though. "I know," is what he says, darkly, because he knows. "Too well," he adds, to show that he understands exactly what she's talking about. "Can you take it back?" Power is only effective when someone is in control. It's her name, so then why couldn't she use it to erode his power?

[championofsnark]

"Neither of us have power now. He did what he wanted, and he started a war." The mages and templars were violently fighting now, and it was hard to say how it would end. Most likely with the Templars winning again, of course, and hurting mages worse than before. "He thought force was the only way, but nothing was changed with force. It only gave them more of an excuse to hurt his people." Hawke understood the drive, of course she did, but she would have convinced him otherwise, if he let her know. Which is why he didn't.

"The Champion is over. I was responsible for the city breaking, and I left. We all split apart. I haven't seen my sister since." There were too many eyes on them, too many people looking for her.

[thecatinahat]

She's a warrior. She's a soldier, and that's a consequence of the battles they have to fight. Cougar doesn't say that out loud, not because she needs him to be soft and avoid it, but because he thinks she doesn't need to hear it, because she already knows.

After all, she's very clever, and she knows how hard it is, losing people like that. Cougar does too, because he hasn't seen his family for a very long time. "We're here, now," is what he says instead.

"New fight," he firmly says with a nod. "That's all that matters."

[championofsnark]

Hawke knows it all. Sometimes she needs to say it out loud, so she can feel those things and then set them aside, like she's doing now. It's hard to know she has to face Anders again with this vivid reminder, but maybe it's what needs to happen. She's carried so much of it inside of her.

She nods and smiles faintly at him. "New fight," she agrees. They have a new life here, and this? This is a problem that they'll all have to figure out.

[can be wrap!]