sixthiterationlogs | [MINGLE] One-Man Show

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[MINGLE] One-Man Show

WHERE: Inari Shrine and elsewhere
WHEN: 25 January 2019 through ?
OPEN TO: All opted in characters
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Cougar feels disconnected. He's not angry, not sad. He's in a separated state of mind where he isn't even thinking about the crash anymore because he's not thinking about anything, his eyes distant as he slips into a fugue state, disconnected from his reality.

The prayers are gone. Even Jake's warmth around him feels foreign, like an out of body experience. They should have protected the children, but they didn't. He knows he'll pay for that, but he didn't think part of that punishment would be their sins for others to see.

He snaps back to himself when he remembers the others. Eyes tracking to Jake, he nods to them, the concern in his eyes. What are they going to think of them?

And do they need to worry?

Jake knows that no matter how much life they get, they will be forever reliving this moment. Even with the betrayal, with whatever else that Max might do before they stop him, this moment changed everything. Not because of their lives "ending" in that moment, but because of how they had failed those children. Everything else they had done, the lives lost, none of them had hit Jake as much as this moment.

And he knew he isn't the only one.

"Hey. It's okay," he says, meaning it, tones intense and heartfelt. "We will fix it. One day."

No platitudes that they hadn't done it, it wasn't their fault. Neither of them believed that after all.

"No one here faults us." No one but themselves.

The problem is that Cougar blames himself. He doesn't blame Clay or the others, but he puts it on himself. It's his fault that he gave the children reassurance and ease as they got onto that helicopter. He's the one who made it so that they would be able to get on there without any doubts.

He's the reason they're dead, when it should have been them.

Of course, then maybe the world is dead, but that guilt is for someone else. "It's not okay," he says, voice low and heavy. "It never will be."

Those kids, they deserved so much better than what they were given.

Jake slumps at those words. He wants to argue, and say that finding Max, making him pay, it will fix things, but he knows the truth. It won't. It won't bring them back, and it won't make it okay. The only thing it might do is get Pooch back to his family, and even that could never happen. Or be worse.

The worst part is what Jake doesn't want to think about.

"We can't change it," he whispers, his hold tightening around Cougar. "And I hate that. I hate that I can't fix it, and in a way you're right. It won't ever be okay."

It won't be okay those kids died. It won't be okay they were betrayed and didn't see it until it was too late. It won't be okay, but he knows they have no choice.

"But I'm here, and Cougar, you're my world, and I will do anything to be here for you, to help you deal with it."

Not get over it. Not fix it. It won't be okay, and he's right. They won't ever get over it, but they have to cope with it, and live through it. The option of not living through it is terrifying to Jake, fearing Cougar won't be able to live with it, to live through it, but he can't let himself think about it.

Cougar hates seeing it again, because it's just a reminder that he sees it every single night. This isn't a new thing for him. This is just the past repeating again and him having to watch it. He feels worn down, exhausted, and he doesn't know how to make that change, but Jake is right.

It's not Bolivia, but they do still have each other.

Right now, he doesn't want to deal. He lets his body shift back into Jake's arms, exhausted and half-given up, because he doesn't know what else to do. "I need Max to pay." Barring any other action they can take, that's what he wants most of all.

"And he will."

Jake whispers the words, but there's a fierceness to them, a desperate intensity for it to be true, needing to know that they will get their revenge and make this man pay back for what he's done to those children.

"One way or another, Carlos. He will."

And he has every belief. Even if they aren't there for it. Even if they stay stuck in this place, he knows that he will pay. He has to believe that.

"I know you blame yourself, but no one that say this will. I can promise you that." He blames himself too, but he doubts anyone else in the chamber will.

It doesn't matter that no one else blames him for it. In his heart, down to his very soul, he knows that he has a fifth of the blame for letting those lives be forfeit instead of his own. He's not going to go and kill himself for it, but he will live with that burden of heavy guilt on his shoulders, no matter what anyone else says.

Killing Max would have been an excellent step towards helping, but even that couldn't be done. He thinks maybe killing Roque had nudged the scales, but only because the bastard had betrayed his family.

"No one blames you, either," he feels like he needs to say, because even though Jake is more put together and sane about this, he doesn't deserve to believe it's his fault.

Tenderly he kisses Cougar's temple, wanting to be able to promise him anything to make it okay. Hell, he wishes he could take on the nightmares that haunt him, just because Cougar doesn't deserve any of it. He can't do either, so all he does is hold him.

Though at that statement, he almost tenses though Jake with the truth. Sure he's holding himself together, for now, because he would do anything he could for Cougar. "The only person that blames me is the same person that blames you," he whispers, knowing it's the truth. They are the ones judging themselves for that failure, and the ones that won't let it go.

Those people do it because of Max, which makes every muscle tense temporarily in Cougar's body before he relaxes. He turns and gives Jake a nod of his head. He's not going to stop having nightmares, he's not going to stop feeling guilty, but he's accepting that all of this isn't their fault.

"We need to evaluate," he says, firm and professional.

They can deal with the rest later, but as it stands, they've been kidnapped and they need to deal with that.

Jake nods, taking a deep breath and straightening slightly. Not entirely letting him go though he's right. "Take assessment of what we have, figure out what options we have, what we all need. Formulate a plan, ensure that the entire team makes it back," he says, nodding.

"Later we can deal with this. After they're safe."

Cougar's color is going to help them. He already knows that he can scout ahead, that he should do it, but every part of him is wary about leaving Jake right now. It's just like Bolivia. He didn't want to leave the team, but he needs to go out there and do some work, otherwise they'll be walking into it blind.

He nods for the door, starting to tap into his power. "Stay," he insists. "I'll scout." He needs at least the first two miles to guarantee his power isn't going to lead him astray. They need to bring the whole team back, he can't afford to walk them into danger.

Despite the holes Jake has blasted into things, he's still uncertain about these powers but there's nothing that he doubts about Cougar's abilities. Ones that he had long before they came to this place. And it's because of that he nods at that.

"Okay. I'll stay here and keep an eye on them, make sure we're set when you find a clear path," he says, again not doubting in Cougar's abilities. "I'll see what supplies we might scrounge up."

Cougar steadies himself on his feet, forcing himself to fixate on the problem and nothing else, because if he does that, he'll be able to scout out the area ahead without worrying. Right now, though, all that he has on his mind is the children.

Getting out and setting their path will help with that, he knows it will, he just needs to go and do it. Leaning over to press a kiss to Jake's cheek, it's not just affection, but a promise that he'll be back soon. With that, he heads off, slipping out of the shrine to start finding their way back.

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[MINGLE] One-Man Show

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