what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

[zomboligist]

WHO: Ravi Chakrabarti
WHERE: Under a delicious tree (an evil, delicious tree)
WHEN: October 17th
OPEN TO: All!
WARNINGS: Ferrets, mischief, swearing

---

There is a ferret currently pawing at a sweater vest near one of the trees on the outskirts of town.

This isn't a sentence that Ravi would've ever assembled prior to this place, and yet, now it feels commonplace. If he weren't currently in a little ferret body, he might even feel compelled to squeak about how this place is awful. No. Wait, squeaking is for right now, which is what he's doing. It's all that bloody apple's fault for looking so green and perfect, and if someone's going to change you into a ferret after a few bites, he thinks he ought to be warned.

Of course, right now, maybe his priorities are a little off. First, there had been the immediate 'oh, fuck, I'm a ferret', and yet, after that, Ravi didn't think about switching back instantly. No, instead, he's far more concerned about the fact that he'd been wearing one of his best shirts and sweater vests and they're currently all in a pile where someone might step on them or, worse, might take them for their own. That won't do.

This is how there's come to be a tiny little angry Ravi-ferret pawing and clawing at the sweater vest to try and figure out a way to drag it with him back to his and Major's place. No opposable thumbs rule out hands, which means that teeth are next. That is, teeth are next until heavy footsteps and a looming shadow above him makes Ravi realize just how small he is and just how much he currently detests that stupid apple for making him like this.

What if it's permanent? What if he has rabies?

What if their dog eats him?

Letting out a panicked and angry squeak, Ravi clambers to protect his clothes ever the more, while simultaneously hiding behind one of his boots in case he ends up accidentally pelted by an over-eager kick.

Comments

[markwatney]

Ravi has left his clothes in the middle of the forest, and a ferret is trying to eat them.

To be fair, there are days I'd love to shred some of those sweaters he wears too, but that's missing the point a little. While it might not be all that strange to imagine that Ravi has concocted what he imagines to be a valid reason to go streaking through the trees, domesticated ferrets don't live wild in the Oregon highlands. They're domesticated.

"What the fuck," is all I know to softly say, and immediately reach for the clothes. One thing I do know about this situation: Ravi won't want his ugly sweater in the dirt.

[zomboligist]

Why is it so hard to articulate when you're a woodland creature? He's sure that Snow White should've developed some sort of communication system with the animals better than this, but now all he can do is sort of screech with his tiny ferret vocal cords because if Mark thinks that he's going to steal Ravi's clothes and look better than him in them, he's...maybe possibly right, but it would only be a barely-there thing!

Trying to figure out a way to communicate, Ravi is ashamed to say that at first, his stubborn and instinctual reaction is merely to hold his ground, which is how he ends up standing on the sweater and giving Mark his best narrow-eyed 'I'm watching you' ferret look.

[markwatney]

I don't know all that much about ferrets, although I seem to recall that they can be aggressive and frequently bite even the people they ostensibly like. At least, I'm hoping that's typical ferret behavior, because otherwise I need to start worrying about rabies.

Regardless, saving Ravi's questionable attire isn't worth getting bit, so I immediately back off, holding up both hands in a placating gesture.

"You know what, you can have them. I'm sure they'll make your nest the envy of all the forest rodents this winter."

[zomboligist]

Yes! Excellent, he's driven Mark away from his clothes.

Only, wait, that's not what Ravi had been intending to do. He needs help to make sure he doesn't stay a rodenty ferret forever, which means that Mark wandering away is the last thing he wants to happen, which means he needs to figure out what to do. Scrambling, he looks to the dewy, wet ground and works to start carving in words in the dust as best as he can, dragging his little paws in and stumbling a little because it's not like he ever got lessons on how to do this.

When he's managed to scribble 'RAVI' in childlike writing, he scampers to Mark's ankle to nip and gnaw at the pants there.

[markwatney]

The fact that I realize the ferret has written a word and isn't in the midst of some kind of seizure is pure chance — I was definitely getting more worried about the possibility of a rabies outbreak and was looking to hie my happy ass away from potential infection as quickly as possible. My eye just happened to drop to the lines scratched in the ground, and realized they were too orderly to be random.

Which is how I am now standing here swinging my attention back and forth from Ravi's name in the dirt to the ferret that wrote it there like if I look at one or the other one more time, what I'm seeing might change or disappear.

But of course it doesn't, because we're in a place that makes no god damned sense.

I sigh, frowning. "What the fuck did you do?"

[3ofswords]

For a minute, stretching into a second minute, stretching--Kira just stares. He stands on the footworn path between the trees, and he just stares. That's Ravi's stupid vest, and that's not how people seemed to disappear, but it's been so fucking many of them of late that he's not even--

He doesn't even know if he's upset. He doesn't know if he's anything, staring down at a ferret trying to tug on that stupid sleeve. "This isn't even the most fucked up thing I've seen here," he decides out loud, and casts about for some excuse to go about his day. Fuck losing people. Fuck weird animals especially: he is at his fucking capacity for pets. "Go make a nest out of nature bullshit," he says, deciding that whatever the reason, he's not leaving Ravi's clothes in the woods. Bending down, he picks up the opposite sleeve and starts to tug it up.

[zomboligist]

Do ferrets hiss? Ravi isn't sure if that's natural, but he's fairly sure that when Kira tells him to go build a nest, he hisses like a vicious ferret-witch or something, scrambling to chase after the shirt so that when Kira lifts it up, he goes with. Eyes widening as he looks at the ground beneath him, Ravi starts to panic and decides he's going to clamber his weirdly long body (...as weirdly long as it is normally, he's not going to think on that too deeply) and wrap himself sort of around Kira's neck.

That's where he decides that no, this isn't the worst place to be, so until he can figure out some way of communication, that's where he'll stay, provided Kira keeps picking up his clothes from the ground.

[3ofswords]

Since there's nothing short of the ferret picking up a stick and writing I'm fucking Ravi in the dirt that could ever convince Kira that his friend is an animal now, he lets himself make the exact undignified little shout the moment deserves. The worst he dealt with in Manhattan was rats, and for all that he lets a crow hang out on his shoulders, fucking nothing prepares him for the fact of a ferret scrambling up his arm.

"Jesusfuckingchrist," he breathes, gone very still when flailing his arm had done fuck all to separate them.

There's a ferret on his neck.

He almost doesn't dare to drop his arm, but he slowly does, Ravi's vest hanging at his side. It isn't biting him to death, and what scratches he's suffered are from the climb, rather than some attack. Maybe ferrets are just some kind of inherent-pet-creature, not that afraid of people that it wouldn't ball up on them. What does he know: he's not the pet whisperer the Observers seem to believe he is. "I'm really at-capacity for non-humans to care about," he says, standing there lest it decide to rip his ear off after all. "Honestly I'm at-capacity for humans to care about too, you really need to find a different sweater to covet."

[zomboligist]

Ravi is not letting that sweater out of his sight. Well, and, also, he's not going to let Kira just assume that Ravi's clothes were abandoned in a fit of pique or disappearance or sudden desire to be a nudist. He's going to have to convince Kira not to just abandon him in the woods because he will get eaten, probably by a rabbit or something else suitably embarrassing, like a fish.

How, though? He's supposed to be clever, how can he show that he's him without speech? He has sharp little nails, doesn't he? What can he do? Well, he starts with trying to carve a little 'R' into Kira's upper bicep, imagining he's got about ten seconds before he gets thrown off, here.

[3ofswords]

"Okay, actually you get to stay on the ground," he says quite forcefully, more of a P scraped to his arm when he grabs the ferret in the center of its weird little body and tugs it away, dropping it back to the forest floor. Eyeing it closely, he's ready to kick at any attempts to climb back up his body.

"Just fuck off, I need to deal with this."

This is Ravi's sweater, and clothes, and--existence. Ravi disappearing is an entirely different kettle from Tim or Credence: Ravi's one of their fucking doctors. It isn't just Kira who will be worse off without him, if this is some indication he's gone back to do the Monster Mash in Seattle. Slinging the sweater over one shoulder, he goes back for the pants, wondering if something in the pockets might help him decide what's happened.

[notsocommon]

Helen often went into the woods to gather herbs for the hospital, such as it was, and seeing a sweater vest that could only belong to her Ravi causes her brow to furrow and she kneels down. Further complicating matters is the presence of a ferret in some manner of distress.

"Dear God," she said, running two fingers down the length of the wriggling creature. "You poor, lost thing. Do you happen to know where Ravi's gone?"

[zomboligist]

This is why Helen is Ravi's favourite. Anyone else would probably just try and make him scram or make embarrassing long-body comments about him when they figured it out. When she leans down and pets him, Ravi settles a little, staring up at her with tiny baleful little ferret eyes, wishing that he could bottle these up and use them normally.

He burrows his little head into Helen's palm, thinking that this might end up strange later, but for now, he doesn't really care. It's too bloody comfortable and if she's willing to put up with him, he's going to take advantage.

[notsocommon]

“Well, far be it from me to leave a defenseless creature to fend for himself,” Helen said. She scooped the ferret up and tucked it in against her neck and chest, palm stroking along the length of his body.

“We’ll just look for Ravi and then come up for a name for you once we’ve found him, all right? You’ll like Ravi. He’s got an open mind too. It’s part of the reason I like him so much.”

[zomboligist]

Ravi doesn't want to leave the clothes, especially because it's the shirt Helen gave to him during that strange little gift exchange that he still doesn't understand, but how do you communicate that when you're long and furry? He braces himself with a ferrety wince as he jumps from Helen's hold back to the ground, worried that he might be breaking a limb, but nosing his way back into the collar of the shirt.

Poking his head out of it, he wears it like a human might, with a tiny ferret head poking out of the collar. This...well, it's either a good signal or it's just very good comedy.

[notsocommon]

Helen knelt down to the ground, worried that the ferret might have broken something with such a leap. Their bones weren't terribly suited from falling from such heights and she cooed over it for a moment, wanting to make sure nothing was irreparably damaged.

"Now, now, you can't be going and doing that. Did you want to keep the clothes? They're my boyfriend's, I suppose he won't mind if I bring them with." With that, she started folding up the clothes and made a neat bundle before reaching for the ferret again. "Now, don't you go jumping again, all right?"

[elderflowermacarons]

A lot of life is expectations.

Most people, seeing an ununual and potentially bitey animal acting strangely and clinging to some odd human debris would think rabies, or maybe "lost pet" or something. Taako is a transmutationist of some renown. He's been a ferret himself a time or two. Though, admittedly, that'd be less fun if you didn't opt into it. Considering the behavior he's seeing, it's not super likely he gets to talk to another accomplished shapeshifter about getting magic to work in this hellhole. Still. It's a sign of a magic he understands. He drops into a crouch, bracing his elbows on his knees and looking down appraisingly. "You usually a ferret there, fella? Partial to mongooses myself. Mongeese. Never could decide."

[zomboligist]

Ravi isn't entirely sure how to work a system of nods, blinks, and answers without first communicating, but he hopes that staring up at the stranger balefully and tapping at his shoe with one little paw is enough for him to get the picture that no, this is not normal for him, no, he doesn't like it, and no, he is not usually a ferret.

He always thought that if he had to be any sort of animal, a sloth would've fit him particularly well. No, maybe a prairie dog? Or maybe he's over-reaching and he should just think of dog breeds. That, or none of this at all, since it's not helping.

He needs to change back, why did he eat a cursed fruit? Why is fruit cursed here?

[elderflowermacarons]

"Y'know, that's a heckuva curse you got there, but may I point out..." He pauses, finds a bit of stick, and scratches in the dirt in a manner he hopes is suggestive. "You can more or less write, so that's handy. I knew a guy who managed to transmute himself into a jelly back in the academy. I think he switched over to conjuration after the professors got him turned back." Taako's a silver lining kind of guy as long as it's about other people's inconveniences. If it's him, it's a national tragedy and everyone has to talk about it.

[zomboligist]

Jelly? There's possibilities that he could have been jelly out of all of this? No. No, Ravi is choosing to be positive and not to think about any potential jelly incidents, because he's not going down that road. No, instead, he is simply going to focus on the fact that this stranger seems to understand that he's not always a ferret and seems inclined to help.

So, how does it work? He reaches for the stick to drag it into the dust and draw a question mark, then a little arrow pointing to himself. How did this happen? How can they make it unhappen?

[elderflowermacarons]

To be fair, the jelly Taako's thinking of it semi-intelligent, or at least able to squelch itself around trying to eat people. This is because Taako's reality is bonkers.

He tilts his head in something approaching honest sympathy at the fairly effective ferret communication. "Sorry, my dude, I'm totes unmagical right now or I could probably have you back. If I could conjure up shit I'd have blasted my way the fuck out already. Good news is if it's anything like the polymorph variations I know, it'll probably wear out."

[majorlyugh]

Major's been settling into the whole 'dog ownership' thing with some ease. Aside from the fact that he's reminded of his Chaos Killer Kidnapper days every time he looks at Minor 2.0, it's been pretty nice having a little ball of wrinkles to take care of and dote upon every day. Certainly provides a pretty good distraction from the general maladies and distinct there-are-no-video-games-here problem that Major contends with every morning (and afternoon, and evening, and middle of the night). So he's been trying to teach Minor 2.0 how to walk around the village without a leash. He did learn how to fashion one out of cord, just like Clint had suggested, but he tries to leave it pretty loose and channel his inner Cesar Millan.

It's going ... okay, as far as new puppies goes, but at one point, the scent of something is significantly more enticing than whatever Major's trying to do (his Millan impression needs some work, to be honest), and Minor 2.0 bolts forward at such a speed that the makeshift leash goes flying out of Major's hand.

"Minor! No! Crap," he calls out, trotting after him. After forcing himself through some brush and shrubs, he finds what Minor's keen sense of smell picked up: a ferret.

But ... more than that, a ferret near a pile of all-too-familiar clothes. It's the sweater vest that really catches Major's eye, and he spends a few minutes looking back and forth between the ferret and the clothes, trying to piece it all together.

"Wait a second," he says, finally remembering to grab hold of Minor 2.0's leash again to tug him back a little bit away from the frightened animal. "Is this like the foxes stealing my clothes? Did you steal Ravi's stuff? Is there a British man just running around in the nude somewhere, completely mortified and shouting things no one else understands?" He crouches down to be more on eye-level, debating whether he can reach in quickly enough to gather up the clothes without getting bitten. Truth be told, the thing looks more frightened than feral. "How'd you manage to get these things, lil' guy? Why am I even talking to you? It's not like you can understand me, anyway. All right, I'm just gonna try .. and .." Major inches forward before quickly stretching his arms out to try and snag the clothes away from the animal.

[zomboligist]

There's a dog coming at him, there is a dog and it's his dog, which normally should be a delightful thing, but at the current moment, Ravi is more concerned with Minor eating him than being pleased to see him and Major ambling along through the village, which means that a terrified little ferret shriek comes out of him that he's going to be suitably ashamed of later.

Still, when faced with something that might eat you, Ravi is convinced that this is the appropriate reaction. Ravi narrows his little beady eyes when Major starts to try and steal back his sweatervest, scrambling to try and hold onto it, wishing that he had some way of communicating.

Eyeing the dog, he wonders if ferret-dog translate is a thing? Guessing not, Ravi is now forced to consider other options. Right now, the best one he's got is his nails, so he stops holding onto the sweatervest (hoping Major tumbles at least a little) so he can claw into the dirt, spelling out 'RAVI' in childlike letters, making little excited noises to try and get Major's attention.

[majorlyugh]

The puppy isn't all that interested in eating so much as it wants to play and investigate this strange, furry creature with its nose. It gets a little invasive, shoving its snout into all the small animal's places, and despite Major's best efforts, he can't keep Minor away completely. He doesn't want to tug so hard on the makeshift leash that he hurts the puppy, but anything less than a firm tug means Minor can go back in for another round of The Bad Dog Touched Me.

The ferret's plan works, to some extent, because Major does fall backwards with a bit of an oof! on his behind, teeth snapping shut from the impact. Relying on his martial arts training, he keeps rolling backwards until he's back on his feet and crouching, glad to see that reflex is still deeply ingrained in him somewhere. He gathers himself and shakes out the clothes, laying them over his arm to try and make as neat as possible given everything else that's going on, before taking notice of the ferret again.

"Uh. Okay, that's .. uh. That's strange." He gets up and gets a little closer, squinting at the writing. It very clearly says "RAVI" in scratchy letters. "That's .. the name of my room mate. And friend." He looks to the ferret and to the clothes. "I mean, that's who these clothes belong to, you're right. But I'm more freaked at the fact that you can apparently spell out things. Geez, am I hallucinating right now?" he asks himself, pressing a palm to his forehead.

[zomboligist]

Why are dogs noses so cold? Why is he being tormented like this? Ravi feels like all these are normal, every-day questions that ought to be asked, shuddering at the thought of the dog taking a bite out of him. He's still working on dragging the stick through the dirt and cursing his inability to actually do anything when he hears Major comment about strangeness, but also not getting the point.

Major is truly lucky that he's so pretty, because right now, he is about two seconds from affecting a hands on hips pose, even as a ferret, and glowering at his idiot friend for being such a ... well, an idiot.

Clearly, Liv was the brains of that relationship.

This is why he toddles over and bites, very gently, at Major's ankle, because he's allowed to be this irritated when he's stuck as a ferret and his genius plans of showing who he is aren't working.

[majorlyugh]

"Hey! What're you doing! Stop it!" Major says, giving his foot and leg a firm but gentle shake to get the thing off of him. But apparently, the ferret's plan works in some way, because suddenly Major's eyes are growing wide and saucer-like, and he's crouching down to be closer to the ground and the animal. With a furrow in his brow and a heavily suspicious squint, he reaches out to poke the ferret lightly on the forehead.

"Wait a second. Are .... are you Ravi?" He looks back over at the scrawled writing in the dirt before bringing his attention back to the ferret. Minor has decided the ferret isn't a very good play pal so he's busied himself in sniffing the nearby grass and marking stuff as he sees fit. "How .. did .. you .. Wait, am I actually going crazy? Am I just talking to a ferret in the middle of the woods? Or are you actually my friend?"