sixthiterationlogs | what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

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what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

WHO: Ravi Chakrabarti
WHERE: Under a delicious tree (an evil, delicious tree)
WHEN: October 17th
OPEN TO: All!
WARNINGS: Ferrets, mischief, swearing

There is a ferret currently pawing at a sweater vest near one of the trees on the outskirts of town.

This isn't a sentence that Ravi would've ever assembled prior to this place, and yet, now it feels commonplace. If he weren't currently in a little ferret body, he might even feel compelled to squeak about how this place is awful. No. Wait, squeaking is for right now, which is what he's doing. It's all that bloody apple's fault for looking so green and perfect, and if someone's going to change you into a ferret after a few bites, he thinks he ought to be warned.

Of course, right now, maybe his priorities are a little off. First, there had been the immediate 'oh, fuck, I'm a ferret', and yet, after that, Ravi didn't think about switching back instantly. No, instead, he's far more concerned about the fact that he'd been wearing one of his best shirts and sweater vests and they're currently all in a pile where someone might step on them or, worse, might take them for their own. That won't do.

This is how there's come to be a tiny little angry Ravi-ferret pawing and clawing at the sweater vest to try and figure out a way to drag it with him back to his and Major's place. No opposable thumbs rule out hands, which means that teeth are next. That is, teeth are next until heavy footsteps and a looming shadow above him makes Ravi realize just how small he is and just how much he currently detests that stupid apple for making him like this.

What if it's permanent? What if he has rabies?

What if their dog eats him?

Letting out a panicked and angry squeak, Ravi clambers to protect his clothes ever the more, while simultaneously hiding behind one of his boots in case he ends up accidentally pelted by an over-eager kick.

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"Did you want apple-magic-ferret-makers to be your contribution to science?" he asks, his sarcasm laid on the words so thickly that he might actually choke on them if he's not careful, but he's not feeling so pleased after turning into a ferret and now being left half-naked to fumble back into his clothes.

"Unless Mark did do this, in which case, he is hiding a dark side underneath that friendly handsome Martian exterior," he says knowingly. "No one else has been complaining about strange fruit?"

"I've not run into anyone else who's mentioned the fruit," Helen admitted. "And as to my contributions to science, I feel confident in saying that apples turning men into ferrets will be a footnote in my lauded career."

She reached for his hand and tugged him close. "Come now, Ravi, don't be cross. Can I make it up to you?"

"We can start by getting out of the public eye," he says, because he honestly doesn't like this whole business where he's partially dressed and feeling like he still has little furs in his mouth, quite honestly. It's disturbing, to say the least, and he's not entirely sure he likes it.

"I mean, something decent to eat that doesn't transform me into a woodland creature wouldn't hurt, either," he allows.

"I'm certain we can find something safe to eat. If it makes you feel better, I'm willing to try it first to ensure you won't change back into a weasel," Helen assured him. She hardly wanted him to end up shapeshifting again and while she was all for experimentation, one could tire of it easily. She imagined Ravi had reached his threshold.

"To the Inn, you think? That's probably the safest bet, after we get you dressed."

"But then, what happens if you do? I mean, I'm not really looking forward to communal weaseling," he admits. He would, though, because he's that sort of man that he thinks he'd willfully become a ferret or a weasel or any type of rodent if it meant allowing Helen to have some company.

Even if it's sort of a nightmare scenario. "The Inn," he agrees, "and we should check that Mark knows about the evil fruit lurking in his midst."

"I'm certain it's not Mark's doing," Helen said, laughing lightly. "He doesn't seem the sort to be prone toward joke horticulture." Their roommate is quite serious, actually, and one of the best assets to the village. Helen shuddered to think what might come of them if he disappeared and she tried her best to glean as much as she could from his farming techniques. It might well serve to save their lives someday.

"But if there's a way to differentiate it, Mark will know. It's his bailiwick."

Ravi had never even contemplated joke horticulture until now, but given the look on his face, he clearly has no love for whatever that might be defined as. He's grumpy, to say the least, but he's trying not to blame anyone but himself.

Trouble is, he's terrible at coping with things that are his own fault. "I should get the microscope and slides from the clinic," he admits, because they might need them. "Seeing as I'm not really too sure an apple can radiate bad vibes, because if it did, I absolutely wouldn't have eaten it."

"You may be on to something, genuinely," Helen said. "There may be something different at the microscopic level that can't be seen with the naked eye and it's worth knowing. Now, I don't know the purpose of such a thing aside from annoying us all but it might be useful to know if the crops have been affected somehow."

She hoped that the idea of a project would distract him somewhat and pull him from his cross mood. If not, it was still worth knowing.

"I'm fairly sure that the whole purpose was for someone's entertainment," is Ravi's deadpanned comment, seeing as he can only imagine that whoever is behind these little experiments may currently be rolling around on the ground with hysterics at Ravi's temporary stint as a ferret. To be fair, if it hadn't happened to him, he might be in a similar situation.

"I feel furry still, and like I need the world's most scalding shower. Barring that, your strongest lye," he requests. "Please tell me that you have something that will scrubs the rodent off."

"I have soap I made out of mint. It might do the trick for you," Helen said, giving him an assessing look. "I feel like I should point out, as your girlfriend, that I don't want you using pure lye on your skin. I happen to like the way you look."

And didn't, at this juncture, want his skin to come peeling off in an impressive series of chemical burns.

"Fine, I won't burn away my features," he grumbles, like that's an actual hardship instead of really good advice, but right now, he still tastes funny. "Let's go get some mint soap and whatever I can use to rinse out of my mouth. It feels woodlandy," he complains, as if that's actually a thing that can happen despite him not even eating anything.

"Trust me, the last thing you need right now is me kissing you. This is not a good time for romance," he gripes.

Helen tried not to laugh and managed to hide it behind her hand. While she could certainly sympathize with Ravi's situation it was a bit funny, from the outside, and his reaction even more so. "Well, yes, let's get you into a bath and feeling human again. Mint soap and lots of towels, you think? I can bring you my finest."

Helen usually used lavender for her own purposes but she thought that might contribute to woodland versus eradicate it. "Then we can see about getting something to eat that won't alter our species."

"You could also join me," Ravi offers, trying to sound casual about it, but maybe he's just after whatever little perks he can get after spending so long being furry and decidedly not human, not to mention feeling like he's a laughingstock for someone's benefit. Somewhere, behind a curtain, he thinks the Wizard is laughing.

Well, Ravi will show him. He's not entirely sure how, but he will, somehow. "If this becomes a widespread epidemic, I hate to say it, but I will be a bit thrilled for a new disease to study, even if I have a personal grudge against it."

"As will I," Helen said. New things were few and far between here - at least new things that directly pertained to her own field of study. There'd been no real Abnormal sightings since the wendigo several months ago and she could only get so much joy from gathering herbs and making bandages. As to his invitation, well. Helen had intended on inviting herself anyway so to have it spelled out elicited a pleased little smile.

"I'd be thrilled to join you. I want to ensure every single part of you has been returned to your correct genus and species."

"That is both a turn on and disturbing, which makes perfect sense for my life," Ravi admits, because honestly, why would that ever be any different now that he's here and dealing with ferret bits instead of zombie ones? It's all the same in the end, right? "Let's go to yours, the last thing I need is explaining any of this to Major," he says with a grimace.

"That man has a terrible habit of sniffing out when something odd has happened and getting himself involved," he says darkly, not pleased about how often this happens.

"I'd prefer Major not to get involved if we're bathing together," Helen said, brow arching a bit. "Call me old-fashioned, but I can only handle one partner at a time and I get rather jealous. Now that we've decided we're actually dating, I'd prefer it if you weren't with anyone else."

It had been ages since she'd dated anyone properly and while she'd felt rusty at first, unused to it, she felt comfortable with Ravi now in a way she'd only been with a few other people over the long span of her life. It was rather comforting.

"I know you mean that sincerely, so I'm trying not to act ambivalent about it," Ravi clarifies, "but I feel like I owe you at least a little disbelief, given that I haven't exactly had people knocking down my door and insisting that they have their way with me." He knows he's plenty desirable, but a limited population does dampen that.

"Besides, most women see Major and they tend to drift towards him. Not that I want to take anyone else on," he assures. "I'm only saying, you have nothing to worry about, me not being exclusive."

"Hm, well, Major isn't unattractive," Helen conceded. "But what I find attractive and what the mainstream finds attractive are two very different things. I prefer men who can make me think, which you do, and those that make me laugh, which you certainly do."

He'd just been a ferret, after all. A little ego-building couldn't go amiss, could it?

"I also am attractive in my own way," Ravi feels compelled to point out, because as he's mentioned to Liv before, he's a tall doctor with a British accent and a handsome face. Most girls would've loved to bring him home, provided they had decent taste. "I'd like to also think that I make you laugh and not just at me, but then, I was a woodland creature just now."

"I notice you didn't choose to play out any old Cinderella fantasies, which is good. I'd be rubbish at making you a dress," he announces.

"I'm far past being a Cinderella," Helen pointed out. "I might look good for my age but I am not passing for a Disney princess."

She had left those days behind her long, long ago. "And yes, you make me laugh quite a lot. You're quite funny, Ravi, and I appreciate that."

"Well, in that case, thank you for bolstering my ego when I needed it," he says, because no matter how secure he feels most days, most days also don't involve him turning into a ferret by random chance. He reaches out to take her hand, kissing her knuckles before twining their arms together, as casual as you please. "Let's go find me a bath."

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