sixthiterationlogs | what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

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what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

WHO: Ravi Chakrabarti
WHERE: Under a delicious tree (an evil, delicious tree)
WHEN: October 17th
OPEN TO: All!
WARNINGS: Ferrets, mischief, swearing

There is a ferret currently pawing at a sweater vest near one of the trees on the outskirts of town.

This isn't a sentence that Ravi would've ever assembled prior to this place, and yet, now it feels commonplace. If he weren't currently in a little ferret body, he might even feel compelled to squeak about how this place is awful. No. Wait, squeaking is for right now, which is what he's doing. It's all that bloody apple's fault for looking so green and perfect, and if someone's going to change you into a ferret after a few bites, he thinks he ought to be warned.

Of course, right now, maybe his priorities are a little off. First, there had been the immediate 'oh, fuck, I'm a ferret', and yet, after that, Ravi didn't think about switching back instantly. No, instead, he's far more concerned about the fact that he'd been wearing one of his best shirts and sweater vests and they're currently all in a pile where someone might step on them or, worse, might take them for their own. That won't do.

This is how there's come to be a tiny little angry Ravi-ferret pawing and clawing at the sweater vest to try and figure out a way to drag it with him back to his and Major's place. No opposable thumbs rule out hands, which means that teeth are next. That is, teeth are next until heavy footsteps and a looming shadow above him makes Ravi realize just how small he is and just how much he currently detests that stupid apple for making him like this.

What if it's permanent? What if he has rabies?

What if their dog eats him?

Letting out a panicked and angry squeak, Ravi clambers to protect his clothes ever the more, while simultaneously hiding behind one of his boots in case he ends up accidentally pelted by an over-eager kick.

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"Hey! What're you doing! Stop it!" Major says, giving his foot and leg a firm but gentle shake to get the thing off of him. But apparently, the ferret's plan works in some way, because suddenly Major's eyes are growing wide and saucer-like, and he's crouching down to be closer to the ground and the animal. With a furrow in his brow and a heavily suspicious squint, he reaches out to poke the ferret lightly on the forehead.

"Wait a second. Are .... are you Ravi?" He looks back over at the scrawled writing in the dirt before bringing his attention back to the ferret. Minor has decided the ferret isn't a very good play pal so he's busied himself in sniffing the nearby grass and marking stuff as he sees fit. "How .. did .. you .. Wait, am I actually going crazy? Am I just talking to a ferret in the middle of the woods? Or are you actually my friend?"

Ravi just stares at Major with a disbelieving look. If he could cross his arms and tap his feet while looking at him, unimpressed, he'd be doing that right now, but instead, all that he can actually do it hiss back at Major when he gets poked in the forehead, scrabbling around towards the apple so he can laboriously roll it over, trying to keep it out of Minor's reach, because the last thing they need is a weird dog-ferret mutation, whatever that looks like.

He turns the apple so Major can see the bite and then opens his mouth so all his tiny little rodent teeth show. There's probably no bits of apple left, but if this isn't clear, well, then Major is going to get a physical to test out that head of his after.

Okay, so .. this is getting stranger by the second. The ferret's now taking great care to bring Major an apple that's been lying on the ground, and just when he's about to protest that he isn't all that hungry, it finally clicks.

Give the guy some credit, okay? He hasn't been here all that long, certainly not long enough to just .. expect his best friend to be turned into a rodent. Huh, are ferrets rodents? Or are they weasels? They kind of look like weasels, or skinks? Are those even a -- MAJOR, focus!

"You ate the apple, and something in the apple turned you into a ferret?" He's still not 100% sure he isn't hallucinating or having some weird plant-induced drug trip, but .. let's roll with it for now. "Huh. I don't .. I don't really know what to do with that information, aside from get you inside so that you aren't at risk of being carried off by a hawk or something. All right, let me get your stuff and then put you on top of it, so it's like you're a king, riding on a cushion being carried by a super buff and handsome dude," he explains, going to do all of the things he said.

There he is, finally Major's with the program. Ravi can't help but wonder why it is that he's friends with him, but then he remembers all the other helpful attributes that have nothing to do with occasional moments of dimness and he nods, thinking that he likes Major for all his flaws. After all, it does make him feel smarter.

He nods rapidly (well, or sort of bobbles his weird head) when Major finally gets it right, making little squeaking noises and trying to get across that yes, he's an idiot, but damn it, that doesn't mean he should be allowed to get eaten or carried off by a hawk (is that even a possibility?)

He scrambles towards his things, just waiting for Major to make good on his word and start to transport him.

Major gathers up the clothing and then lowers it down enough to the ground so that Ferret-Ravi can hop on board. He's also keeping a tight grip on Minor's makeshift leash - and just to be certain the puppy doesn't go running off again, he puts the stuff back down just long enough to tie the cord into a loop around his wrist. He then picks all of the stuff, and maybe-not-a-rodent-Ravi back up, before coming up to standing again.

He looks down at the little beady eyes in front of him with a mischievous and insanely amused smile.

"You know I'm never gonna let you live this down, right? Like, ever. We could be in this place 'til we're 95 years old, and I'm still gonna make fun of you for this. Huh. I wonder what kind of nicknames I can come up with for you. Hmm. I don't think I know of any famous ferrets, but I can remember the Toon Patrol, which was made up of weasels. Remember that? In Who Framed Roger Rabbit?? I'm inclined to call you like .. Smarty, after the main guy, but I think Greasy's funnier, so that's what we're gonna call you. Greasy."

Ravi scrambles towards the clothing, feeling completely less than graceful (as evidenced by how he practically falls on his side and slumps a few times in the process of getting into the clothes nest, wishing that it didn't feel so bloody comfortable in it).

Staring up at Major, he has the bad feeling that this is definitely going to come up in every single conversation. Clearly, they have to turn Major into a squirrel or something (maybe a possum?) to even them out, because otherwise, it's just going to be insufferable.

Huffing, he buries his face into the clothes, like if he doesn't look at Major, he won't be there, but he knows object permanence doesn't work that way. Unfortunately.

"Aww, you're so uncoordinated as a ferret," Major says with some genuine affection and a whole lot of teasing. He's doing his best to try and keep tight control over Minor to prevent the puppy from running forward, taking his wrist with him, which would lead to him dropping the pile of clothes and Ferret-Ravi. "Good thing I've got good muscle control," he continues, endlessly amused that he can say pretty much whatever he wants without Ravi getting to interrupt or negate him. "Otherwise, you might be a flying ferret, whether you like it or not."

He continues on towards their house before the reality of everything finally settles in. He frowns a bit, looking down at where Ferret-Ravi has buried his face into the pile of clothes.

"Huh. How are we gonna turn you back?"

Isn't that the sixty-four thousand dollar question?

Ravi glowers sulkily up at Major from where he's living in his little ferret nest of Ravi clothes, wishing that he had better answers, but he didn't exactly take an elective in 'transforming back into your actual body when you've been turned into a ferret', so he's lost.

Maybe someone else will know? Maybe it's not just him. He hasn't heard about anyone else getting turned into a ferret, but he also hasn't exactly been seeking that out as a possibility, because he would've laughed and called them insane, so it's Major's best guess, right now.

"All right, so I guess we should .. start at the beginning, right? Fraulein Maria said that's a very good place to start, so let's go with that," Major says, mostly talking to himself - even though Ferret-Ravi can understand him, it's not as though he can talk back, so it's really more like Major's talking to himself.

"We need to figure out where the apples came from, or if anyone else ate them. Maybe there's some kind of cure near where you got it?" he asks, looking down at Ferret-Ravi. "Where did you get the apple? I .. don't know how to get an answer out of you. So, how about, I ask you a question and you .. squeak? Or something? Once for yes, twice for no? Did you get the apple at home? Did you get it from a tree? Did you get it from where I found you and your clothes?"

Ravi isn't sure that he likes this new communication system. Why can't they just do blinking? Though, he supposes that they can't walk and then stop every time Major needs to ask a question, because then they'll never get anywhere. So, squeaking it is, but then Major gives him too many questions.

He offers a glower at him for going so fast, burrowing his furry face against Major's hand in reprimand, trying to somehow tell him to slow down and pick one question at a time.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, that was my fault. I'll go back. We'll do one at a time. You know how my brain gets when it really gets going," Major says apologetically. He glances down at Ravi and clears his throat, starting over: "Did you get the apple at home or anywhere near the house?"

That's still more questions that Ravi thinks he can clearly answer (and he is going to have a firm discussion about controls with Major when he's human again; if he's ever human again), but he focuses on the question and squeaks twice, pointedly, to make sure that Major knows it's a cursed apple that shouldn't be trusted.

If this has anything to do with Mark's gardening? Well, in that case, he's definitely going to reconsider his friendship with the man.

"Okay, so .. you didn't get it at home. That's .. good to know, I guess. At least we don't run the risk of having a repeat episode. Okay, so .. I'm going to ask two questions because they're relevant, but just .. answer then one by one.

Did you get the apple from a tree? And was that tree where I found you and your clothes?"

It's like Major wants to frustrate Ravi even more on top of the whole ferret thing, but at this point, he's sort of resigned to it and not to mention, he's actually just a touch comfortable with the way that Major is carrying him around, so it's soothing him, to a degree.

He squeaks no for the first question, then the second. He doesn't know how to explain 'the apple was already on the ground like a tempting morsel' and that Ravi should have known better, though he suspects that last point is heavily implied.

"Huh. All right. So you're just going around, eating random apples that are lying around, completely negating every single ounce of common sense and will to survive that you have," Major says with a bit of a A Look at his friend. "Do you think Helen would know how to turn you back to normal?"

Unless Helen has suddenly developed magical powers that Ravi doesn't know about, he suspects that she's not going to be much help to him at this point in time, so he squeaks in the negative, wondering if there's anyone who could help. Maybe he should be eating not a random apple, but the apple that caused the problem to begin with.

How to communicate that with Major? That's a bit of a problem. Floundering around a bit, he tries to ease Major back towards it, eyeing it and squeaking rapidly.

"Whoa, whoa, what are you --?" Major starts as Ravi starts causing a fuss. "You wanna go back? You wanna go back to the apple? Did I forget something?" he asks, gently lifting and lowering the makeshift pillow he's currently carrying Ravi on to see if everything's accounted for. "I think .. I got everything, but - uh. Sure, let's go back. If you get eaten by a bear or something, though, because you made us go back into the woods instead of back to the cabin, that's on you."

He squeaks yes because he needs the apple, because he needs to get it, just in case that's the key to turning him back into a human. Maybe he needs to bite into it again to turn back into a human-Ravi and not just a ferret-Ravi, but this is all based on random fairytale knowledge.

Which? Honestly? It feels wrong.

This is the absolute worst, right now, because he just wants to rant and ramble and talk, but he's got ferret vocal cords right now, which aren't helping.

In a few minutes, Major's back to where he'd found Ravi - or just about, at least. Look, directions aren't his greatest or strongest sense, but he's close enough. He's mostly keeping an eye out for the apple and, after scraping himself up climbing through a bunch of bushes and shrubs, he finds it lying on the ground.

"Okay, we're here." He looks around at the otherwise empty area. ".. There's .. nothing here, man. Except for the apple that turned you all cute and furry in the first place. God, I wish I had a camera or something. I'd Snap the hell out of this whole thing."

Ravi tries to scramble out of Major's arms gracefully, but mostly he sort of just ends up flopping onto the ground with his little furry face splatting. It doesn't look dignified and it leaves him extremely happy that no one is watching this to see such a fuck-up.

He heads to the apple and stands right above it, taking it into his little hands and staring at it. Should he bite it again? Will it fix him? Or will he become something even weirder?

Major winces as Ravi faceplants on the ground, but bites back the snicker he so desperately wants to let free. For his friend's sake, and for whatever dignity he might have left, though, he keeps it in.

"Ohhhhh, I get what you're going for. Thinking maybe biting it again might turn you back? Yeah, that's not a bad idea, I guess. I mean, I doubt it could get worse than what you're dealing with right now." He thinks of all of the things that could happen that would classify as 'backfire' if he takes another bite of apple, but at the same time, Ravi just might be onto something. "Go for it. You don't really have anything to lose." What a bold-faced lie.

If this doesn't work, Ravi may consider shoving the apple into Major's mouth just to get a ferret-y friend, but he thinks that not even he's that cruel (or is he?). Staring dubiously at the apple, he shuts his little beady eyes as tight as he can before he dives right back into the apple to bite it again.

Seconds later, he sort of just poofs right into a very tall, very naked, very human man. Curled in on himself, he gives Major a pathetic look from the ground. "How could it have taken you so long to understand what happened?" is his first demand, voice rough from lack of use.

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what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

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