sixthiterationlogs | Back From The Future

Entry tags:

Back From The Future - OTA

WHO: Nida
WHERE: South Village Fountain, Around South Village, North Village Bakery
WHEN: March 18 through end of March
OPEN TO: Some OTAs, Closed threads for Iron Bull,
WARNINGS: Discussion of death and suicidal ideation

Not So Triumphant Return | Fountain | Closed to Iron Bull

Not for the first time, Nida comes awake underwater. Some small part of his brain says this is familiar, the way awareness sneaks in even as the weight of the stuff presses down. The way his body aches to strain toward the surface, his legs want to kick out, kick up, seek a surface and the sweetness of air in his lungs. It’s happened before, something in his mind tells him, even though he also knows he’s never experienced such a thing back home before.

Back home. The words carry an odd sort of weight in his brain as pieces settle together and, in spite of himself, his legs kick out for the surface. What did his brain mean by that? What was it pulling at, what was this thread it wanted and tugged at like it mattered? That didn’t make sense, at all. Being in the water didn’t make sense either.

What he remembered last was his room back in Balamb. What he remembered was putting his fist through the mirror in the bathroom because he couldn’t stand to see himself reflected in it. What he remembered was the pain in his hand from where the glass had cut, and how good it had felt to just feel something after Elijah. How the weight of the glass had felt in his hand. How…

Oh. Right. That. The very line of thought finds Nida stopping his progress toward the surface. Does he really want to find that breath? Does he want to keep going? He’ll leave it to fate, he decides. Surely if he’s meant to keep going there will be some sort of sign, right?

Going Home Again | South Village | Closed to Seifer

He’d asked for a sign and it had come for him, which he supposed was saying more than he really should have expected. Fine. If these Observers wanted him to keep going, if Bull was right about all he’d said, then Nida wasn’t going to fight it. He was going to try. And of course the first thing he had to try was seeing if he really could be accepted, contrary to his fears. Of course the question was how he was supposed to go about it. For a few minutes he plays with the green band at his wrist, a burden restored, but the chance for communication back. It had only been a few days. How had a year and a half, give or take, only taken days? The very question hurt in ways he couldn’t explain, but he could still feel the powers he now remembered buying, the winds still danced at his call, so clearly he hadn’t been gone long. Which meant reaching out for the next step wasn’t easy.

A simple message sent to those he remembered worked the forge. People who might be around Seifer right now. Surely one of them could pass on his summons, asking Seifer to come get him and walk him home.

Because right now, he didn’t want to be alone. He wanted that connection he hadn’t had back in their world, the brotherhood he dared not seek out there. He needed someone who would might understand just how badly he was hurting.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? | House 58 | Closed to Billy

And here was the worst part of coming back. It had taken some time to work up the courage to do this. Granted he knew he couldn’t put it off past this, his first day back. As much as he wanted to push the rest of the small world the villages represented aside for a while, there were those few people he couldn’t avoid. There was his family, two brothers he had chosen while he was here and Rinoa. He might be able to put off Jason until tomorrow unless Seifer found the guy and brought him home. But this? He had to know today. If he was going to hurt, if he was going to hurt over this, he wanted it over and done with soon, when all the rest of the pain was still fresh. Get it all out at once.

Yet here he was, scared as he stood outside of Billy’s door. What if he wasn’t home? What if Billy said no? What if he… No. He wouldn’t borrow trouble. It would come soon enough.

Heart in his throat, Nida finally raised his fist and knocked on the door. Moment of reckoning he supposed.

Bunny Bread for the Soul | North Village Bakery | Closed to Malik

Routine didn’t really suit him on his first few days back, to be honest. His memories were still finding ways to slot around one another, some way to rectify the months he’d spent here and all the time that had passed back home. It sort of made it different, trying to find his stride once more. It was like he’d stumbled when running a track, only to find that he’d lost a single shoe upon getting back up. How were you supposed to keep a regular pace when your entire gait was off? It led to long mornings conscious but not wanting to move when he woke in a bed that wasn’t at Garden. It meant sitting at the table in the kitchen longer than he normally did, settling in there after he took care of cleaning the dishes if his housemates allowed him. It meant not making his previously self-appointed rounds at the dojo, helping people learn to be better able to protect themselves.

And now it had led to something else entirely. Slipping out from under the watchful gaze of his keepers. As much as he appreciated his family for keeping such careful eyes out for him after what he’d alluded or rarely even admitted to those people who cared about him, that didn’t mean he could handle them always there, watching over him. What he needed was something else. Somewhere he could think, somewhere he didn’t have to see the pity or pain or understanding. Somewhere… somewhere that he might get treated like little to nothing had changed. And he knew where to go for that.

North village was a long walk, and Nida let himself get a good bit of the way before sending a message back to those who would worry that he was off to get fresh bread. Which of course meant a hike to the Northern Bakery, because that was where the guy who knew how to make bread was. And when he finally arrived and pushed into the warm smells of the building, he almost smiled. Almost. Hyne, was there a better scent than this?

Still, time to make his presence known. And in this case he did it in the only way that seemed reasonable to him.

“Dragons,” he announced from the doorway when he didn’t immediately see Malik, “totally count.”

Home Is Where The Bed Is | House 16 | OTA

Stealing was wrong. That much Nida was absolutely certain of, and for once he’d actually gone in person to request paper from the guy that was apparently rolling in it. There must have been something truly pathetic about his face because that Reeve guy let him go with a surprising number of sheets. But there had to be a way to get this all to sort out in his mind, right? A way to get things straight in his brain. Which is why he’s there on the steps leading down from his porch now, leaning heavily against the railing on one side. He doesn’t want to keep Seifer or Rinoa from coming or going at their own pace, and since he’s pretty much forbidden from roofs at the moment, there’s not much he can do but sit there and draw.

He draws anything and everything that comes to mind. Remembered moments from time here, like the grand ballroom from the New Year’s Eve party. He draws monsters from his world in the middle of battles against people he knows. He draws people from the village going about their lives. He draws a body crumpled on a black and white checkered floor, a sword discarded at its side.

Nida hisses when he sees the way his hands have betrayed him, crumpling up the paper in question and hurling it away from him. And he really didn’t mean to hit someone with the paper as they passed.

Guess Who’s Back? | Around South Village | OTA

How do you fit back into a life that is both a few days and yet a year and a half behind you? It’s an adjustment that Nida is having trouble with. Still, there has to be some semblance of order to his life, and he tries to follow it as well as he can. But everything seems to get off to a slower start. His patrols around the village come later in the day and only ever when he’s signed up with someone else with the watch ~~what, clearly he doesn’t trust himself to be alone and away from people~~. Frequently Nida shows up at the inn for lunch and stays throughout the full of the rush, just to people watch. And of course there is the dojo which is is still responsible for. More and more of his free time there is spent on pummelling things with his basic staff or tanbo, rather than trying to improve the place. Clearly an adjustment period is needed. But those who are really lucky will find Nida sitting on a bench in the fountain park, considering the water and held back from it by the weight of a cat in his lap that clearly just needs pet.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Mine if I come in for a moment?" Nida asks, his voice still soft, the words still weighty.

Except he doesn't know that he could take a no. So he puts an arm around Billy, stepping around him to pull the man inside. He kicks the door closed behind him and after a moment he reaches for Billy's hand. Pulls him over to the couch and with a bit of pressure on Billy's shoulders, gets him to sit down. Nida, though, doesn't sit. He almost immediately starts pacing.

"I was? I think. I'm not sure. I was home. It's been a while. I don't even... It's March back home now, but I'm older. Twenty-one. A lot of things have happened."

While he paces his fingers reach up to rub at his right shoulder. His fingers can feel the scar there, the scar that wasn't there when he was last here in the village. Something new. He can physically feel this scar, which means it's real. Means what he went through was real. Or real enough. Still he paces, the speed that he distantly remembers picking up from the Bunker helping him cross the space quickly.

"I've almost died three times in the last four months. It's been pretty bad. But when I was there, I didn't remember this place. I didn't... I didn't remember you."

He'd never say no to Nida, not any version of him, no matter how long it's been. The words aren't doing that sinking feeling in his chest any good, but it helps to have Nida's arm around him, to have Nida taking his hand, even if it's just to lead him in to the living room and to sit him on the couch. He wishes Nida would sit, too, but maybe it's better this way. He understands needing to move while you talk, and that means he can fold his arms in his lap and try to hide the way his fingers are clenching each other almost hard enough to draw blood.

So it's been at least a year. Nida was nineteen when he'd gotten here the first time, and now he's twenty-one, so at least a year and change. A year back home, a year not remembering anything or anyone he'd known here. Billy considers it, considers his words, trying to suppress the chill and dread that run through him at the idea of Nida dying somewhere away from him. At the idea of Nida dying at all. It's a lot to take in, but honestly given his world, it's not the strangest thing Billy's ever lived through. It's nowhere near enough to counteract his relief at knowing Nida's back. But the way he says that last part, the way he's been so tense, the way he's acting...

"...Do you remember now?" His question is hesitant, feeling its way to a conclusion he doesn't want to reach.

The question gets Nida to come to an abrupt halt. Just freezes as he looks at Billy. Would he be here if he didn't? Clearly he's made Billy more nervous than he perhaps should be. How does he fix that? Because even now his heart aches at the idea of making Billy hurt. One thing he's figured out, though, is that while he wasn't certain how he'd felt about Elijah, he is absolutely certain how he feels about Billy.

"I do, Billy. Part of the reason I wasn't sure if I should come here tonight is because I remember. Because I don't know that you'll want me anymore. I went back to it so easy, to Garden and SeeD and all I did there. To being the SeeD who hurts people. Kills. I told you I'd be better, and I wasn't."

He could be. Maybe someone--he can't be the first person who's seen Nida, Nida's not still soaking from the fountain and he's a little too put together to not have already run into someone else, and if he thinks about it maybe the fact that no one had told him would hurt, but that thought is far away from the current moment--maybe someone had told him that he and Billy had been dating, and he'd come here to say he couldn't, he didn't want to, any number of things that would shatter Billy's heart all over again.

But he doesn't say that, and there's a noticeable wave of relief that passes over Billy's face, takes some of that tension from his shoulders, clears a hint of the clouds from his brow. It's not the only thing he says, an important thing but so is the rest, and Billy fights the urge to stand and drag Nida into his arms again, instead unclenching his fingers and reaching up to worry at one of the silver hoops in his earlobes. "Nida--" He starts, and stops, and starts again. How is he supposed to do this? How can he possibly explain, make Nida believe him? Fuck this. Fuck sitting, and fuck distance. He stands to match Nida, within arm's reach but not reaching out, not yet. "Of course I want you, god. Of course I do. You were a SeeD for so much longer than you were here, and you never even knew you'd stopped, how could I be mad at you for doing what you were trained to do when you didn't even know you could stop?" He doesn't understand where this is all coming from. Nida didn't remember. There's nothing to blame, nothing to forgive. And maybe he had done terrible things, but he's here, isn't he? Feeling guilty, feeling wrecked over something he couldn't remember? Why on earth, on any planet, would he make Nida feel any worse at all about that?

"I don't care what you did. Maybe I should. Maybe it means I'm selfish, but I don't care. I had you for a month, and then I didn't have you any more, and it hurt so much--" His voice catches, and he stops to breathe, pain in his chest sharp and aching. He wants to reach out. But Nida needs to believe him. "If you need to figure things out first, I get it. You've been gone a while on your end. But I know what I want, and that's you. Okay?"

There's a moment of hesitation when Billy moves. Like he's ready to back away. Like he's doing to dodge away from a hug. But none is offered, and so he can stay there, looking away from Billy. It hurts to say all of this, but he has to be honest, right? They have to be honest. It's good to have all of this said, but it doesn't change that he knows something Billy doesn't.

"I was with someone, Nida. I told you I used to train with a swordsman. Elijah. I was with someone else, Billy. I was cheating on you."

Please just... let him give you an out. His own chest aches, his whole body aches. He wants another hug because the ones he's had so far don't even begin to make up for what he needs right now. Because he knows where he was before he woke up in that fountain.

That almost flinch cuts deep. It really does, enough that the hand at his side fists into the fabric of his jeans, holding on to that to keep steady. Why is he flinching from Billy? He knows there's something else. There has to be.

And then Nida says it.

He can't deny it hurts. Can't hide the heartbreak on his face. But it isn't the idea of Nida having been with another person, the idea of a Nida who didn't remember him at all finding someone to be with, someone to make him happy, that really hurts the most. Because honestly, that? As much as it might hurt, he'd always want Nida to be happy. No, the thing that's killing him, breaking what's left of his heart into pieces, is the conclusion he naturally comes to after Nida's words.

"No, you weren't," he says softly, like he isn't dying by inches. "You didn't remember me, or any part of this place, remember? You were back home, and you didn't know you'd ever been away. That isn't cheating. Not in my book." That part isn't as hard to say, because it's all perfectly true. It's the next words that are hard.

"But--now you're back. And you remember being with Elijah, too. So--if you can't do this, if you're still thinking about him that way, and you can't do this anymore--I understand. I won't push you. But it doesn't change how I feel about you," he finishes, voice almost a whisper. He'll understand if Nida doesn't want to pick up where they left off. For him, it's been so much longer. And he still remembers someone else. What if it had been him, and he and Teddy had ended up getting back together before he came back here? He has literally zero room to judge, even if he wanted to. So he'll understand, even if just making the offer hurts.

"I never felt for him as strongly as I remember feeling for you. As I do feel. And he won't be there if I go back again. He's dead, Billy. He..."

Died by my own hands. Words that Nida doesn't say, because it was hard enough to admit it to Seifer who knew the guy. Who got how manipulative Elijah could be, not that Nida had seen it during their time together. During the whole time he'd known Elijah. It hadn't been a healthy relationship, it had been self-destructive in a lot of ways. A perfect extension of the man Nida was when he was there and Nida hated himself for it, hated himself for all of it.

The thoughts have Nida curling in on himself. He can't stay standing, and the nearest chair is so far away. So instead he sinks to the floor to sit, and it's with none of his usual flowing grace. It's about flopping to the floor, like his legs can't hold him up anymore.

"I went home and I did terrible things. Things I don't know how to put together with who I chose to be while I was here. Who you helped me want to be. And I can't see how you would want anything to do with that, especially when they could pull either of us away at any moment, and not necessarily bring us back."

Why is he still talking? His arms have curled around his legs, as defensive and broken as he was that first night in Billy's room, talking about how he didn't have anything of his family and he wanted that more than anything. As broken as he was up on the mountain, or perhaps more. Because at least there it was his past, it was coming to terms with who he was now. Not something he's done in the last week. Blood on his hands. So much...

The second he thinks it Nida's eyes go a bit wide and his hands start pushing up and down his pants as if trying to clean them off.

"That uncertainty can't be what you want."

That's a lot to hurl at him all at once, Nida. Billy's head is spinning, but he doesn't need to hear the rest. Not as Nida collapses, and Billy's immediately at his side, kneeling next to him. Not touching, not yet, maybe because he doesn't know what Nida flinching from him is going to break irreparably, but he can't not be there at his side.

Because honestly, what Nida's saying? It's all true. Either one of them could be pulled away at any moment. Either one of them could go away and not come back, either one of them could die, either one of them could forget forever. He knows all of that. He's not stupid. He knows what this could mean, and the last three days have been a sharp reminder of that. And he doesn't care. Not that he doesn't care about what this is clearly doing to Nida; of course he does. But if you asked him if any of what Nida's saying is changing how he feels, the answer is a very strong no.

"The first thing I ever told you--the first real thing, not just surface stuff, the first thing that really meant something--was about my magic," he says quietly, legs curled under him as he sits next to Nida, fists curled into his thighs to keep them from reaching out. "I told you I was terrified of what I would do. Of what I could do. I could rewrite the world. I will, someday. I could make someone fall in love with me. I could erase an entire planet and billions of lives from existence. If I left for a year, and came back and told you I'd forgotten everything, that I'd ended up killing an entire race just to get revenge on them for killing Teddy, what would you tell me?"

He shakes his head before Nida can answer, and there's frustration on his face, a desire to find words that aren't coming. "I know you're going to say you don't believe I would ever do that, that you know I'm too good to ever do something like that. Right? But that's the point. You believe in the good I can do. Nida, maybe it makes me incredibly selfish, but I don't care about what you've done. I know what you can be. I know this is hard for you. You've got a lot going on, and a lot to deal with, and a lot to figure out. If you need to do that on your own, I get it."

He reaches out, then, and takes Nida's hand in his, probably too tightly, and he's going to do his damnedest to hang on even if Nida tries to pull away, because this part is important, his words fierce. If Nida is going to finish breaking his heart, he's going to have to damn well do it. "But if you think I'm going to let you do this alone, because of something as abysmally fucking stupid as you thinking you don't deserve me, you're an idiot."

Hey, it's not like Billy isn't turning right back around and offering Nida more than he really knows what to do with. Because there is so much there, so much said, so much implied. Almost immediately he wants to jump in and say there was no way that Billy could ever do something like that, and that of course he would be there for Billy if things happened. He would always open his arms to Billy because he loved Billy, which was a word he hadn't dared to use before he left. That he wouldn't dare use aloud right now. But his arguments are of course immediately caught off guard by Billy telling him not to go there. Which just deflates him.

How is he supposed to argue back against people when they keep being so reasonable? But more than that, he's left staring at Billy.

Still, what gets to him most isn't even that hand gripping his. It's one particular phrase. 'I don't care what you've done,' Billy says, and that brings tears to Nida's eyes. They don't fall, but they definitely sting at the corners. He looks about shattered by that statement, shocked and... comforted. Yeah, that's it. Because it's a lot different from what Elijah had said.

Their blood is on your hands. You should have seen it sooner. But you didn't want to, because all you ever wanted was me.

"Billy," he says, voice soft as he reaches out with his free hand to lay it on Billy's cheek. This thumb lightly brushes over the curve of bone there as Nida looks at him with something like awe in his eyes.

You aren't good enough for him, a voice that is strangely like Elijah's whispers in his head. For half a moment his grip isn't as gentle, his fingers press a bit harder into Billy's skin. Not enough to bruise, but definitely enough to be felt. Enough to assure Nida that this, that Billy is real. Really there and really offering himself as Nida's support and comfort, whether Nida wants him as a romantic partner or not.

"Hyne," he whispers, "if he were even a fifth the man you were, I might have loved him. But I don't know that I've ever known anyone like you. I'd... I'd really like to kiss you right now. Is that okay?"

The fact that he feels he needs permission probably isn't healthy. But he needs it, and he's going for it anyway.

Billy is trying really hard not to offer more than Nida can stand, trying really hard to keep enough of a distance for Nida to make his own choices and tell Billy what he wants, but still when that hand touches his cheek he can't help leaning into it. That hand still feels the same. Maybe there's a little more callus on it than there was the last time it touched him, but still. It's Nida. Why would anything Nida ever did in another world, without his memories, affect what Billy thought of him? Even here, the only thing that might is if he were to hurt one of a small handful of people deliberately.

He doesn't even complain when that hand tightens, presses harder for just a second, only reaches up to lay a hand of his own over the top of it, fingers light on Nida's. The skin over his knuckles is scabbed, a little raw, signs of his own carelessness and increased training over the last few weeks and a small incident the day before, but he hardly even feels it. Instead, he's watching Nida's face, searching through all the emotions he sees there, trying to decipher what it is in Nida's eyes. What it is that's making tears build up there. The last thing he ever, ever wants to do is make Nida cry.

He doesn't say anything at all as Nida whispers those words, though they do something funny to his chest. There's a kind of math problem in there, somewhere. A math problem that starts with a tiny petty thought of Elijah, whoever he was, definitely not being good enough for Nida, that then builds into a fifth of a man who could have been loved, and then multiplying that...he doesn't want to assume. But there's that word, and he's going to keep it, and save it, and let it play over and over again in his head, even if that's unfair to do. Even if Nida decides he needs that space, he needs a best friend instead of a boyfriend. He'd be whatever Nida needs, no questions or hesitation.

I'm kind of a unique model. You know, except for the twin thing. Billy almost says the words when Nida hesitates, his lips parted to speak, except then he forges right ahead and the words catch in Billy's throat, a surge of emotion welling up behind them. He swallows hard, and the hand on Nida's pulls him in towards Billy, his other hand reaching up and out to catch at Nida's shoulder. "It's more than okay," he breathes. "I've missed you so much, Nida--" No matter the fact that it's only been three days for him, it's been so much longer on the other side of that, and he wants to put into this kiss what he can't put into words. That no matter what happens, nothing is ever going to take him away forever again. It's a promise he's making to both of them.

Billy can't really promise him forever, but Nida's happy to snatch at what he can. And in this case it means his free hand at Billy's far hip, gripping as if to hold himself stead. To keep himself anchored in the here and now. In the slightness of Billy's body, in the shape of it too. The tenderness as Nida leans in and kisses him, and it feels like...

It feels like a whole different thing. Nine months involved with Elijah, and he's never been kissed like this. Kissed with heat and desire, but no clear will to overwhelm him, no struggle for dominance. Just a kiss that consumes him, a low ember rather than a wildfire. Something to harden the wood and steel of his core, not meant to eat him and turn him to ash.

"Hyne," he whispers when he pulls back from it, and he can feel himself tingly all the way down to his fingertips and toes.

This... this is what he's been missing. Didn't even know he was missing it back home, but this was what he was missing. How could a single kiss be more intimate than a relationship he'd been in for a far longer period, and that was before one considered he'd known Elijah since he was eight. How could that have never have been as intense as this? Nida pulls back enough to lick his lips. Because really, he doesn't want his emotional panic right now, his inability to be logical enough to pull back and thus accidentally brush his tongue against Billy's lips, cause him to push into a deeper kiss than they are ready for in this still new relationship.

Elijah only ever pushed. Billy... just offers himself, open in ways that make no sense to Nida and make him hungry to explore.

"Hyne," he repeats, and while his brain is good enough right now not to accidentally prompt a deeper kiss, his brain is apparently not good enough to keep the next words from falling from his lips. Maybe it makes sense, because he's just been through quite a few traumatic events. The need to talk is too intense perhaps. Or maybe it's just fear of death. "Kiss me again. Kiss me senseless. I don't want to feel anything but your lips and my love for you."

Hyne, Nida says, and all Billy can do is nod in agreement, pulse a rapid flutter in his throat. Kissing Nida always feels like throwing himself into the ocean, letting himself be carried away. It isn't like kissing Teddy ever was. Every single kiss, he opens himself to Nida, and Nida treats him reverently, like something too precious to be trusted with. He's careful with Billy, even when Billy doesn't necessarily want him to be, and that just makes all of this...he feels safe, with Nida, but not the kind of safe that means he's locked away. He feels safe, and he feels stronger for it. He feels alive. And there's no way he's going to give this up, not until Nida makes him, not for any fear of loss that could be.

Hyne, Nida says again, and Billy lets out a shaky breath as he keeps going, a husky laugh as he reaches for Nida's face, a hand cupping his jaw and pulling him in close, Billy shifting until he's pressed as close as he can be. Love, love, love, the word echoes in his head. My love for you. He shouldn't say the words, not this soon, but the feeling...yes, that's the right word for this feeling. "I've got you, sweetheart," he murmurs, and kisses Nida again. "I've got you, and I swear if anything takes you away again I will tear the universe apart to find you."

Tear the universe apart to find him? That's... that's probably a really bad thing from a man who could actually do that. Still, with Billy pulling him close, Nida follows, too hungry for the affection, the approval, the support offered for him to care. If his head was in a better state he probably would chide Billy for the quiet promise. As it was he lets himself be drawn in and kisses him.

"Might hold you to that," he whispers and then he's leaning into Billy's space, just about leaning over him. "i don't wanna go again. My world isn't right without you. I've seen home, and I know that without you, I hurt. You're balance."

Faith in him, kindness, and yet a willingness to tear it all down for him? What more could a guy want? And by the time he's kissing Billy again, he feels about ready to push Billy back onto the floor just to kiss him better.

Yeah, maybe he shouldn't say it. Maybe he shouldn't be willing to do it. But honestly? Nida's on the short list of people he would do it for. He'd at least try to put the multiverse back together the way he found it afterwards, but he'd do it, and he wouldn't regret it for a second. Some things were worth fighting for. And to find someone like Nida? He'd do that and more.

He doesn't mind the feeling of Nida leaning over him like that; in fact, minding is pretty much the opposite of what he's doing, pulling Nida in close, and closer still. It's a different kind of balance, isn't it? The two of them, together, knowing each other's rhythms even after something like this, Nida moving forward and Billy just knowing which steps to take next. It's a different kind of dance, and he's willing to do anything it takes just to reassure Nida that he's not going anywhere. "I don't want you to hurt anymore," he answers, fingers brushing lightly over Nida's cheek, re-memorizing the feel of his face. "I just want to be with you. Here or there. Wherever you go, I'm going to be there, too." It's a promise he can keep. He knows he can, and that power is something that for once he doesn't regret.

The next kiss is met eagerly, Billy's lips parting under Nida's, an open invitation. Not for sex, not for that kind of intimacy, but honestly? He wants to do what Nida said. He wants to kiss him until there's nothing else, until it's just them and this feeling between them, the feeling of lips and a warm body against his, the reminder that Nida is here and they're real and that he's come back. He wants to reassure Nida that nothing he feels has changed. They both deserve that.

Too weighty of a promise so early, and he doesn't care. There will be time to be self-conscious about what they are offering, what Billy is saying, later. When Nida isn't this desperate for reassurance. When it doesn't feel like the world has fallen in around his head. Time when his life hasn't been hell for longer than he cares to remember. Right now they are the right words. Well, more or less. There are still a few things wrong. Namely...

"I like that idea," he whispers between kisses as he reaches out and eases them down to the floor. Listen, his whole body aches from what he's been through lately. No matter how he feels for Billy, he doesn't intend to lean over the other guy forever. That would just be mean to his body. Then he's encouraging Billy to roll onto his side even as he jerks a hand toward the couch.

What? Using wind to blow a cushion off the couch so he can put something soft under Billy's head is absolutely responsible, adult usage. He will fight anyone who disagrees.

"Just don't expect us to stay on my world. It's a mistake."

With that said he finally takes the invitation Billy had offered him. After all, how could he deny a deeper kiss when he wanted nothing more than this very specifically kind of intimacy?

Too weighty, too much, and yet Billy doesn't know how else to be. This is who he is. He gives everything he has. He doesn't hold back. Especially with someone like Nida, who's never had this before. Because he deserves this, no matter what he thinks. Maybe later he'll be self-conscious, maybe later he'll wonder if he moved too fast and pushed Nida into something he wasn't ready for in a moment of weakness, but right now there's no regret in this moment. He's just glad he's getting a chance to show Nida what he's come to mean to him.

Billy obediently moves where Nida leads, drawing him down with him, his breath catching at the deft use of powers, the gentle intent behind the gesture. Even in all of this, Nida's still thinking about him and his comfort. Honestly, the hard wood floor isn't the most comfortable place for them to be doing this for either of them, but he doesn't want to interrupt this moment to relocate them. A bed would be dangerous, he knows, especially with both of them seeking reassurance, even if it would be more comfortable, so the floor it is. Tommy isn't supposed to be home for another couple hours yet. There's time for this. They can move later, if they have to. For now, Billy rolls over to face Nida, molding their bodies together as he leans in, a hand sliding over Nida's waist.

"We don't have to stay there," he answers, pulling Nida in close. "We could go anywhere. You could come back with me. I'd take you to the stars, all you'd have to do is ask." The kiss starts soft and slow, but it's no less intense for that, and Billy leans into that embrace, willing Nida to understand just what he's feeling. There aren't words he's willing to use just yet, but maybe this way he'll understand.

The stars. What an idea. Perhaps one day he will ask, but the reassurance that Billy wouldn't expect him to go home helps. Helps more than he knows. Or perhaps as much as Billy expects, because Billy's just smart like that. Just gets Nida like that. Which is its own blessing. Another mark down in the column of why Billy was better than the man that, only a few hours ago, Nida had been broken up over. Hell, he'll probably be broken up over Elijah again in the morning. But how did someone focus on that pain and suffering when so safe, so warm, and when everything felt so right?

So he hums lightly against Billy's lips and it wouldn't be wrong to say he just about melted into the kiss. Slow? Soft? Hyne, who knew those sensations could be so amazing, that they could leave his head spinning. Like he's floating. It's so much more than anything he's felt before and if he could die in this moment, he'd die happier than he'd ever thought possible. A hand curls around Billy's back just to hold him there, just so he can stay as close as he can without their legs tangling together.

Is this, he finds himself wondering, what it feels like to truly be loved? Because if so, he only has more questions about Elijah. Ones he doesn't want to try and answer.

"Take me to the stars someday," he whispers when the kiss ends. "Take me to your world and show me Star Wars. Take me out on cheesy dates and introduce me to this family of yours. Whatever you want, Billy. Provided I get to be at your side."

It's okay if Nida is still broken up about Elijah, if he's still got things to work through. Whether he loved him or not, he still cared about him, enough to be with him. Feelings don't always listen to logic. He knows that. Even now that he's had months to process everything that happened between he and Teddy, even now that he's with Nida and happy there, there are still moments where he'll be reminded of something they'd shared and feel a wave of sadness for what once was. Feelings are complicated. He'd be more worried if Nida wasn't upset. But he'll be here for whatever Nida needs, however he needs reassurance. He'll be here for this man he cares for so much, and thought for three terrifying days he'd lost.

Time seems to slow and stop as they kiss, just the two of them drifting together, anchored by hands and mouths and soft breaths. When it finally ends, Billy doesn't go far, shifting the hand under his head to trail fingers over Nida's cheek, tracing the shape of that new facial hair, the curve of a familiar lip. Every word Nida says makes something inside him say yes, because isn't that how it should be? Nida deserves something like a normal life. And he deserves someone like Nida.

"We'll do all of that," he says softly, nothing but tenderness in his voice and his touch. "We'll have Star Wars movie dates, and then go out for milkshakes after so you can tell me how much more ridiculous lightsabers are once you've actually seen them. I'll take you to go see my favorite musicals on Broadway, and out to dinner so we've got an excuse to dress up and I'll just stare dreamily at you all night. We'll do all the touristy stuff in New York I haven't done since grade school field trips and take dumb selfies together being gross and cute. My mom will love you, and my dad will make you pancakes, and my brothers will climb all over you like a jungle gym, especially if they find out how strong you are. We'll go other places, too. See the world together, see other worlds together. As long as you're with me, I think I could do anything." It's so much. It's too much. And yet that's what he thinks they might both need right now. A future to hold on to, instead of a past haunting them.

Lightsabers. Lightsabers. He had to mention fucking lightsabers. Nida groans and closes his eyes as he leans in to rest his forehead against Billy's.

"I can't get over how stupid those damn things are. Like, you're learning proper staff skills now. Imagine THAT with fucking glowing light swords that cut and cauterize! You'd kill yourself training first day, right out of the gate. And Stark says gunblades are ridiculous? They are, but they work. Seifer is a master with one, and never, ever describe a lightsaber to him because he might want one."

A year and a half and he doesn't remember if he told Seifer about them. Hopes not. Hyne they were the most ridiculous thing ever. But...

But he chuckles. And what could ever matter as much as that. Nida actually chuckles at the thought which feels like it shoudln't be possible but it is and he's doing it and it's a little bit of weight off of his shoulders.

"Yeah, I want all of that, Billy. And I'll be there, as your friend and as the logical part of this relationship, to make sure when your time comes as this Demiurge, you do the right thing. Though I'll doubt I'll have to say anything. Because I know you'll manage it."

At last he opens his eyes and he gives Billy a true, warm, loving smile. A content and happy smile. A joyous smile. For half a moment he's whole and unscarred by the weight of home. And he likes that moment.

"I came here so certain you wouldn't want me anymore. And here you are, giving me more hope than I thought possible. How are you so magical?"

There he is. There's the Nida Billy fell so hard for, that he cares so damn much about. A grin spreads across his face as he leans his forehead into Nida's, fingers combing through the short hair over his ear. "You keep forgetting Jedi have been superpowered reflexes that keep them from chopping their legs off," he teases gently. "You know Seifer would be welcome, too. We could get him a replica lightsaber. I don't think anyone has the technology on my world yet to build a real one, at least no one's tried, but you can find some pretty cool replicas at comic con."

That smile does such things to his chest he feels like his heart's about to burst, his own smile soft and brilliant. As long as he can still make Nida smile like that, there's still hope that everything can be okay. They'll be okay. "Think I already told you that story," he says softly, leaning in and brushing a light kiss at the corner of Nida's mouth. "But it helps that I've got a good reason to try. I want you, Nida. I'm not going to stop wanting you. Not for the things you think, and probably not for any of the things you're going to try and imagine. We're in this together, right?" That's the whole point. The two of them, taking this on together.

"Speaking as someone who spent a lot of my life with superpowered reflexes? Behemoth. Shit." Nida returns immediately. But the idea that Seifer would be welcomed too, that gets Nida to pause. Seifer... Seifer could have a home away from Garden. Away from all the fear he had of their world. Yeah, it wasn't what was true of Nida's experience, but Billy had said the Wanda he'd met wasn't the Wanda of his world. What if he and Seifer were from different histories?

What if Seifer could have another home? Damn the thought makes him ache inside, and smile, and yeah, tears sting at his eyes too. Billy Kaplan, generous to a fault. And that was why he loves this man.

"We're in this together," he agrees, not able to keep the tightness out of his voice. "Hyne, how could anyone ever see you as something other than the most amazing man there is? Every time you open your mouth I realize the differences between you and him and I can't help but wonder why I thought I couldn't..."

Live without him. Live after killing him. Live with the doubt and pain. But Nida stops himself from saying all of that. And just smiles.

"You're almost perfect enough for me to believe in some divinity out there, watching over us. Not Hyne, of course. Never Hyne."

Seifer could have a home. They both could. They all could. Part of Billy knows that if they ever manage to get out of here, Rinoa's going to want to go back to Squall, but Seifer and Nida--well, just look at him and Tommy. You can't separate brothers, right? Maybe he'll even see if Jason's got any interest in coming back with them. It's selfishness, really; wanting to keep all of these people he's come to care for in one place. A generous selfishness, maybe, but selfishness nonetheless.

Nida stops that sentence short, and Billy can fill in some of the gaps there. Maybe not fully; he doesn't want to fill them in all the way, doesn't want to think about how close he might have come to losing Nida. But enough that he pulls Nida that little bit closer, fingers under his chin. "I'm glad you could," he says softly. "I'm glad you did. I'm just so, so damn glad you're here."

Although there's that word, and he can't let that happen, shaking his head and offering Nida a small smile in return. "I'm not anywhere near perfect. But I'm getting better all the time. You make me want to be better." Another of those soft, careful kisses, another long and lingering moment. And then...maybe he shouldn't ask. But.

"Do you have to go back? Is Seifer waiting for you?"

"You make me want to be better," Nida agrees, his voice soft and maybe a touch ashamed. Because he failed in that. But, you know, like Billy said... Like Bull had said, like Seifer had said, He didn't remember. It's not entirely his fault if it's what it is. Because he didn't remember.

But the question, though?

"He knows there is a chance I'll be staying here," he says, voice soft. "I have to be back by breakfast. If not, he's going to tie me to him or something."

He didn't, and Billy will join the others in reminding Nida of that very fact as often as it takes. Nida didn't remember. If he had remembered, Billy has every confidence that things would have gone differently. If Nida had remembered, Billy knows he wouldn't have chosen to become that SeeD again, not unless it was necessary to save lives. Because at his core, Nida isn't the monster he thinks he is.

A chance he'll be staying, Nida says, and Billy opens his mouth to ask the question but stops. He shouldn't ask it like that. Shouldn't ask him if he will stay, because he knows now what Nida would do for him, at least in part. So he hesitates, and rephrases in his head, and then asks, the faintest traces of uncertainty in his voice. Maybe he shouldn't be uncertain. But still...

"Do you want to stay with me tonight?"

Does he want to? Yes. Desperately yes. With everything he is. Because more than anything, he knows he can't handle being alone. He knows he sleeps better with someone there. He wants to wake up and know that he's here in the village rather than questioning. And Billy?

Billy is here.

"May I please?" Nida asks, his voice a whisper. There was no hiding the nervousness of the question, the concern on his face that he wouldn't be allowed the space here, even after the admission of feelings he'd offered. Even after how Billy had kissed him.

Back From The Future - OTA

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possibly a good place to stop?

works for me~