sixthiterationlogs | Nida, With A Shiny White Band

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Nida, With A Shiny White Band - Open and Closed Prompts

WHO: Nida
WHERE: (Where the post takes place)
WHEN: February 5th - 15th, Closed Mingle on February 9th
OPEN TO: OTA, one Closed Post for now
WARNINGS: Possible Mentions of Self-Harm

OTA - Dojo - Taking Over

He was asleep when it happened. Somewhere in the night of the fourth the change happened, a screen that made no sense, the band on the device at his wrist turning white. OF course as it was one of those rare nights lately where Nida had gotten some sleep, he hadn't noticed. Instead, when he'd woken up he'd just found himself... moving. He couldn't stand being still anymore, not with all these people who needed a bit of something to keep them moving after those visions. He skipped breakfast that morning ~~not a mistake he'd make another day~~ and headed over to the empty dojo.

Most of his days are spent in the dojo for the next chunk of days. When he's not actively out talking to others, trying to serve as a support network, he's in the dojo from just before sun up to just after sunset. Sometimes he's sitting on a chair, a knife working over a piece of wood as he cut out the general shape of some practice daggers. Other times he limps ~~damn him for spraining his ankle, it wasn't what he'd meant to do~~ around the edges of the mats to check for any tears or splits he needs to repair. Still other times he regards the empty spaces, mind already building up the ways he can make this place better.

And always, always he calls out a bit cheerfully if someone enters while he's there. Because this space, he has resolved, will welcome all comers. No matter what.

OTA - Around South Village - A Little Luck

You can't always be at the dojo.

Nida had stared at Seifer when he had been told that. Clearly it was not true. Clearly he was more than capable of doing just that. But... Well, he got the point. Being holed up in two places isn't much better than being holed up in one.

So a bit of time every day, usually around the lunch hours, were spent with Nida wandering the village. There were rounds to be made, friends to be found, help to be supplied. And, whenever there was a chance of skin to skin contact, a hand reaching out to touch. Not like people here couldn't use a bit of extra luck.

Closed Mingle - Because You Miss Them - Closed to Seifer, Rinoa, Sam, Billy, Tommy

The boxes show up that morning, just sitting in the kitchen when Nida hobbles in at an ungodly hour. He moves immediately to grab a kitchen knife to cut the first one open. Despite his name being on it, it's full of yarn. He smiles and shakes his head, moving that one aside because he can talk to the others about it later. The next is a larger box, but strangely light for its size. With another few cuts he finds himself pulling out a wok. What in the world could that be...

Somehow he knows what the last box will be. With a quick cut it's open and he starts unloading ingredients into the fridge. Curry. Seems like he had the answer he needed for when and what to cook.

A quick message goes out to the others over the network. He doesn't care how early it is.

Hey nerds, dinner at my house tonight. Red Lamb Curry. Eat at six, come by earlier if you want to help cook. Someone please help cook, I don't want to mess this up.

[OOC: Please see first comment for Mingle, everyone can post their own things under that if they want to interact.]

[OOC: If anyone would like their own closed starter for the first half of this month, please let me know. This is mostly meant to cover Nida through the White part of his Off-Color time.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Or that, I suppose," Either way. He turned enough to raise an eyebrow at Nida, folding his arms over his chest.

"Not until you stop dodging the question." Nope, not going to entertain Nida's efforts to avoid answering him anymore. Talk to him, Nida, he wants to know. Doesn't care about his own mental space that's going to be a mess regardless. Least he could do is look after someone worthwhile for a change. Rather than himself.

The problem, of course, comes from Seifer choosing to look after someone who really didn't want help, and who was a bit more focused on other people right now.

"What do you want to hear, Seifer? I jumped down from the roof. I intended to make sure my legs stung a little, to try and feel something right then. Didn't account for a rock in the dark, turned my ankle on it. Now there is a sprain. Tada. That's the story. Moving on. How do you want these onions done?"

Too damn bad. Nida won't look after himself, then someone has to. It's not like Nida's not doing exactly the same thing.

"Chop them. So you were trying to hurt yourself. Over what you saw?" He's not done pushing, or glaring, because he's not accepting Nida's dodging him anymore. If he's not allowed to disappear and throw himself into the mouth of something big enough to kill him then neither is Nida. Frankly if he didn't have people to come back with he probably would have stayed in the woods. Said fuck it. Found somewhere to lay down and give up in peace.

"Before you get worked up, I wasn't trying to cause myself serious harm," Nida says as he shifts to start cutting the bottoms and tops off of the onions. This will be the best defense. If he starts crying over his parents, it will just be the onions. "I am too well trained for that. It was bad luck. But I know how to fall the right way, and I know how to fall slightly bad. I chose the slightly bad way, I just wanted a bit of sting in my legs and the like. Which is why I didn't have the power up when I did it. Thus the actual injury."

What he'd wanted was to feel something other than the strange pain in his chest. The hollowness of realization that seeing that, knowing what his parents looked like didn't make it any better. That...

"For my birthday. I wished I knew their names. It was a mistake."

Of course not, too well trained, Garden was good at that. Still it had Seifer frowning. He didn't like the implications of what would have Nida of all people actively trying to fall wrong for the sting. Knowing the risks, knowing they had no decent medical care here.

Oh... Now he thinks he understands. "Your parents?" He asks more softly. Well, that sure would explain why Nida was in this state now. Maybe wishes in general were a mistake.

"Shey and Nidera," he supplies, and yeah, that isn't tears in his eyes for real. It's onion. "I got to watch the whole thing. Again. The GFs didn't take that memory, Seifer. I repressed it. Because once I saw it... I remembered more of that day. Of the days after. And..."

When he said it to Billy, the guy had about flipped over it. Seifer, on the other hand, Seifer would get it. Not only because of Garden, but because of his time as the Knight, under Ultimecia's hold.

"Strategically, I have spent a few nights up realizing that it was a poor tactical decision for them to let me live. I've been spending my nights avoiding the nightmares by analyzing how much easier crushing Timber could have been with some tactical tweaks. How I would have done it. That SeeD part of me just keeps trying to take over, to protect me from the trauma. Compartmentalize, put it aside, be the mercenary and not the man. I needed to feel something to make sure I'm Nida. That I'm me. Not... not him."

Nida's named after his mother, then. Interesting. Seifer files that information away, silent while Nida talks. No comment on the tears, he does offer over a clean dish towel if it gets too bad. Onions. Yup. Have your moment, Nida, he'd been cold about the first. Not going to make the same mistake.

There are many nights where Seifer wonders if it wouldn't have been better if he'd died however his parents did. Or they threw him away somewhere else. However it was he ended up an orphan, he never should have gone to that orphanage. He understands.

"Surprised they did. Galbadia's not known for mercy." Though they also hadn't slaughtered Zone and Watts. The error isn't' without precedence. He nods slowly, heaving a long sigh through his nose. "I'm sorry. That you... I don't know why they're showing us these things. Dredging up the past, or future, or whatever the hell." He shakes his head. "I'm sorry." It's all he can really offer. Empty platitudes really aren't his thing, but he does genuinely regret that Nida's been forced to relive that. "You're not. Nida. You don't have to be Garden's drone anymore. Even if it hurts more out here." Seifer had never been very good at being the Garden drone. He understands how much it hurts.

"Psychological warfare," Nida says after he takes the dishtowel to dab at his eyes. "My parents were also Galbadian deserters. Apparently Fury Caraway believed it would be best to make an example of them. Really, it was a beautifully set up blow, one I would do if I was asked to destabilize a village in that situation."

And that's what scares him. That he gets it. That he understands it. That he'd do it. Because in some ways he is that Garden drone. And that's what he's scared of. Going back and becoming that. Squall arriving again and becoming that. Because it's easier. Because it was what he was raised to be. It's the weapon he was forged into.

"I tried to do what they teach us, when I saw it. After I screamed my throat raw, I tried to shut down as the rest came back. Analyze. Internalize. Shunt off to the side. And it keeps happening, when I'm not expecting it. It creeps up on me, and says it would be easier to be like that. To distance yourself and not feel all this. And then, this morning..."

He raises his hand to gesture at the meal they're making.

"My favorite. My dad cooked it for me. Which I only know because they sent me a video of it. I don't know whether it's real, but it feels like it. I showed it to Billy earlier like... like it was the most precious thing in the world."

The display made even more sense with that tidbit: Galbadian deserters. Of course they'd make damn good and sure to make a show of it. This is what disloyalty nets you. "Caraway?" His eyes snapped to Nida, he didn't mean... yes he did. Of course. Well that explained why he'd been cold toward Rinoa. Another frustrated sigh and he reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Complicated.

"It is easier," Seifer confirms, watching him closely. "But is it worth it? Being another cog for more wars. More shit like that?" Another soldier who would blindly follow orders, murder a family in front of their son to make a point. Because you were told to. Seifer knows all about doing what he's told.

Eyes drift back toward the pot he now had the rice setting aside in, the wok he'd prepared per the instructions ready to make the rest. "I'll do my best to make it right." This is important. A tiny bit of good to remind him not to close off and become that soldier again. "I don't like SeeD Nida so much. So, if you don't mind, send him back. I'd rather keep the one willing to be my brother." After all, how many people can he say have willingly allied with him like that?

He has a whole four from home now.

"Oh, the village didn't realize until later. Because that part wasn't fully obvious for a while. Really great touch added there. Because if two of the most focused leaders of a rebel group in Timber as Galbadian soldiers? People looking for spies, fun stuff."

Wait, what? Nida can't help it, he turns his attention to Seifer. Brother who would... No, that doesn't make any sense, right?

"Maybe you can call me if you see him coming out? Because I don't want to go back to being him. I don't want to be a SeeD anymore. I want to be Nida."

Still, there is a lot more to consider here, right? Should he consider it? Should he share...

"Hyne..." He doesn't even know how to absorb all that. Talk about a fucked up situation all around. No wonder Nida had been a mess. "Good way to get everyone at each other's throats again. How'd you make it to Garden?" He has to wonder. How the hell did he ever get out of Timber?

"I think you're looking pretty stable right now," He observes with a faint smirk. "Try not to disappear on me again, huh?" He's not big on SeeD Nida. Just like no one likes desperate, insane Knight Seifer. Or the moody asshole Seifer he was when he first showed up. Resentful Garden Cadet Seifer.

Should he share what?

"No one wanted to take me in," Nida shrugged as he gets up from his seat. "And they knew better than to send me to Galbadia Garden."

Disappear on him? Yeah, no guarantees, Seifer. But he limps toward Seifer and holds out his wrist. He's got to do something here, right?

"Wanna see them? My parents?"

"I know the feeling," Unwanted. It's just what they are. "Welcome to club reject." He offers with a wry smirk. Okay, that's never what he'd admitted to feeling like at Garden before but he's been able to drop a lot of the posturing here. Doesn't have to constantly reassert some sense of dominance to feel like he has a tiny piece of control over his life.

He will absolutely chase you down, Nida. Can't family him then go missing. The frown increases when he stands and moves over, opening his mouth to protest. You better sit Nida you'll hurt yourself-. Oh. He looks surprised, and a little touched. Really?

"Of course. I'd love to." It's nice that Nida got a good memory too.

"Weird thing happened this morning," Nida admitted as he tapped at his wrist device, before holding it up for Seifer. The screen is so small and he hates it, but he still is pleased at this. "Along with the boxes there was this.

It's not long. A kid that is clearly Nida sitting at a kitchen table, kicking his feet as a woman that looks a lot like him chops onions and a man stands at the stove, preparing rice and talking over his shoulder to them both.

"My family."

The screen is tiny, and Seifer has to hold his arm still so he can see it well, but sure enough there they are. There's enough to make out a few details. Tiny Nida and his parents preparing a meal.

"You were cute when you were little," He teases. They look so happy, this sweet little family. "You definitely take after your mom." The similarities are unmistakable, even with such a small display. "You guys look happy."

It's nice. What a nice treasure. He's a little envious but honestly Nida deserves it. He needs some good to make the bad a little less awful. He's glad Nida got this.

"It's something," Nida agrees with a soft sigh. "I can at least hear their voices. Something to... maybe make the nightmares a little better. Granted at the same time I just hate Caraway more for their deaths."

Which wasn't entirely fair to Rinoa, but he lets that lay aside. Today isn't the best day, but he'll make do with what he has. See, he's got something to keep going for.

"Between this and my brother who pokes his nose into my business, I should be okay. Should be a real person."

"Does anyone like Caraway?" Rinoa sure didn't, Seifer held no love for the man, Nida understandably loathed him. How could he be blamed for it? Rinoa couldn't be held responsible for the actions of her father, but hating her father was totally within his rights. "You figure out how to deal with nightmares let me know."

Oops. He let that little tidbit slip without thinking. Just call him tired.

"Hey, what kind of brother would I be if I didn't? You go disappearin' into your head and forget we're out here, that's no good for you." He smirks, reaching over to clap Nida affectionately on the shoulder. "Now how about those onions?" Hah, of course he has to be a jerk about it.

"The best I've figured out so far has been turning to Billy," Nida admitted, and with that he pushes away and heads back to the table. "For right now, if you've got nightmares, come find me, okay? We'll talk. Because it's not something you can easily handle together, right? Also, get yourself over to Dr. Crusher. Because I'm out of that sleep helping tea I've been feeding you."

What, he's been helping you to sleep with those nightly cups of tea? Who knew. At least he'd been trying.

At least he was focusing on the food at last. Finish the chopping so Seifer can work on the real part of the meal. Not the struggle with the rice hadn't been interesting.

Ah, of course. Seifer didn't have a Billy to turn to, so that left him on limited options. Claw apart the walls until he fell asleep from exhaustion it was, then. He's quick to shake his head. "I'm not ruinin' your nights with my bullshit." Nida has Billy to help him get to sleep, he might as well keep at it. But he does raise an eyebrow, so that tea he's been feeding him... "You knew?" Hyne damn it, and here he thought he'd done a splendid job at hiding it. He might go see about talking to the doctor though, if she had a sleeping tea he could procure more of.

He has been trying, and been extra sneaky with it too.

Listen the rice has been an uphill battle that he thinks he's finally defeated.

“Supporting my brother isn’t a ruined night. And maybe I need it too,” Nida counters. “Besides, in most cases we could probably find a way to wear ourselves out enough to fall back asleep.”

With anyone else, in any other situation, that would be an innuendo. Right now it is a statement of fact. He has a responsibility to Seifer, before just about anyone else. Before himself even. Seifer might not believe it, but it is what it is.

“And of course I knew. What sort of SeeD would I be if I wasn’t aware of what was going on under my own roof?”

"When you could be spending the time talking to Billy? Yeah, right. I know what you'd rather be doing." And it sure isn't keeping his idiot, anxiety attack having ass company. Besides, he prefers to keep his breakdowns and weaknesses to himself thank you. So maybe he wakes up a lot of nights and has to spend a few hours hugging the toilet that's no big deal. Totally normal behavior.

He does not have a responsibility, Seifer's a big boy who is going to have to learn to look after himself. Eventually he'll figure out how to function like a person. Normal people just get over these things right? He's just being a wuss about the whole damned thing.

"I was quiet." He protests, pouting. He's proud Nida don't mind him.

"My bedroom is next to the bathroom, remember?" Nida counters. He's not an idiot.

And don't talk to him about Billy. That isn't here or there, and Seifer should know that. If he doesn't, then he should. But really, bringing up his crush? Low blow.

"Family comes first," he says, his voice definitive. There is no argument there. "Billy's just a friend. He'd get that I need to be there first for you."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He insists sullenly. Doesn't want to admit it or talk about it, okay? It's humiliating.

Bringing up his crush because Nida talks to Billy every night and clearly enjoys that, why wouldn't he bring it up? Hardly a low blow, it's a good point. Play with your not!boyfriend Nida.

"Tch," Hardly. He's not worth that. "I can take care of myself."

Why wouldn't Nida enjoy bringing that up? Because he hasn't been doing that lately. Because he doesn't know what to do about Billy in the light of Billy seeing him like that. At his weakest. At his closest to being the SeeD. To being the monster who doesn't care who he kills or crushes if it's ordered.

"You can," Nida agrees without hesitation. "Family means you don't have to."

Nida doesn't see how hypocritical that is? He'll point out Seifer's weakness but doesn't want his own on blast. Insists that it's fine for Seifer but not himself? That's not right. None of that is right. Surely Billy will understand? Nida isn't the SeeD, it's a defense mechanism.

A grunt as he turns to go back to work at the stove. Clearly this is something he's not having an easy time accepting. Doesn't deserve it. His lot, the one he shouldn't keep forgetting about, is to be alone. It's the best he deserves. "Doesn't matter."

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