sixthiterationlogs | Nida, With A Shiny White Band

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Nida, With A Shiny White Band - Open and Closed Prompts

WHO: Nida
WHERE: (Where the post takes place)
WHEN: February 5th - 15th, Closed Mingle on February 9th
OPEN TO: OTA, one Closed Post for now
WARNINGS: Possible Mentions of Self-Harm

OTA - Dojo - Taking Over

He was asleep when it happened. Somewhere in the night of the fourth the change happened, a screen that made no sense, the band on the device at his wrist turning white. OF course as it was one of those rare nights lately where Nida had gotten some sleep, he hadn't noticed. Instead, when he'd woken up he'd just found himself... moving. He couldn't stand being still anymore, not with all these people who needed a bit of something to keep them moving after those visions. He skipped breakfast that morning ~~not a mistake he'd make another day~~ and headed over to the empty dojo.

Most of his days are spent in the dojo for the next chunk of days. When he's not actively out talking to others, trying to serve as a support network, he's in the dojo from just before sun up to just after sunset. Sometimes he's sitting on a chair, a knife working over a piece of wood as he cut out the general shape of some practice daggers. Other times he limps ~~damn him for spraining his ankle, it wasn't what he'd meant to do~~ around the edges of the mats to check for any tears or splits he needs to repair. Still other times he regards the empty spaces, mind already building up the ways he can make this place better.

And always, always he calls out a bit cheerfully if someone enters while he's there. Because this space, he has resolved, will welcome all comers. No matter what.

OTA - Around South Village - A Little Luck

You can't always be at the dojo.

Nida had stared at Seifer when he had been told that. Clearly it was not true. Clearly he was more than capable of doing just that. But... Well, he got the point. Being holed up in two places isn't much better than being holed up in one.

So a bit of time every day, usually around the lunch hours, were spent with Nida wandering the village. There were rounds to be made, friends to be found, help to be supplied. And, whenever there was a chance of skin to skin contact, a hand reaching out to touch. Not like people here couldn't use a bit of extra luck.

Closed Mingle - Because You Miss Them - Closed to Seifer, Rinoa, Sam, Billy, Tommy

The boxes show up that morning, just sitting in the kitchen when Nida hobbles in at an ungodly hour. He moves immediately to grab a kitchen knife to cut the first one open. Despite his name being on it, it's full of yarn. He smiles and shakes his head, moving that one aside because he can talk to the others about it later. The next is a larger box, but strangely light for its size. With another few cuts he finds himself pulling out a wok. What in the world could that be...

Somehow he knows what the last box will be. With a quick cut it's open and he starts unloading ingredients into the fridge. Curry. Seems like he had the answer he needed for when and what to cook.

A quick message goes out to the others over the network. He doesn't care how early it is.

Hey nerds, dinner at my house tonight. Red Lamb Curry. Eat at six, come by earlier if you want to help cook. Someone please help cook, I don't want to mess this up.

[OOC: Please see first comment for Mingle, everyone can post their own things under that if they want to interact.]

[OOC: If anyone would like their own closed starter for the first half of this month, please let me know. This is mostly meant to cover Nida through the White part of his Off-Color time.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sorry, right now the white makes him a bit more focused on everyone else's needs. More than normal. But if he got called on that bullshit maybe he'd actually listen. Maybe.

"Someday I'll find a way to convince you that it does. That you do. In the mean time, I will just keep trying."

Which is annoying, and yet not entirely unlike Nida. Just more intense on the annoying part of Nida. He'll get called on it if he persists too much.

"Why do you try so hard, Nida? I've never been worth a damned thing in my life, why would that change now?" Someone's bitter and full of self-loathing don't mind him. It's been a rough couple months. Seifer just usually keeps it bottled up better.

"Because I always thought I was nothing without SeeD. And I'm wrong," Nida answered quite simply. He turned his attention to Seifer and gave him a serious, if teary look. Sorry, onions for real this time. "We're more than what Garden made us. I have to believe that."

A sigh. He's not facing Nida anymore, doesn't want to show his face it might give something away. Seifer's never been as good at hiding his emotions as Squall, even if he does give it a damned valiant effort. "I wasn't even good enough for that, Nida." He didn't even have SeeD to make him feel like he had value.

At least, for a little bit, as a Knight he felt powerful. Worthwhile, wanted. Even if it was a lie. But for just a little bit he could pretend he had real value, not the self-inflated value he knew was a fabrication and joke. Always had Xu there to remind him as much. "At least Garden wanted you."

"Behemothshit. My gil is that Norg didn't like that you weren't a mindless automaton like those people like me who made it. They wanted me because I didn't question. I obeyed. I let Garden choose all of my life since I came into their hands."

Something he's more certain of now that he's learning about being an actual person.

He wasn't a good person. Garden made him that.

Squall was the same. He didn't question, he obeyed. "Like Cid was any different. Sure he'd preach some real sweet platitudes, and not lift a Hyne-damned finger to prove it." He spit, more vitriol in his tone then he necessarily wanted to let out.

The only time Cid did anything was finally letting Rinoa take that contract. The one time the old bastard had actually practiced a little of what he preached. Only to run and hide when things got tough. Coward. "I was an inconvenience at best. From day one." No matter how hard he worked.

"Maybe you were," Nida shrugged. "But I think that made you better than us."

There we go. Onion finished. That gets him scooping it all into a bowl before he whistles to call Seifer over. The onions are ready.

"Keep pushing, Seifer. If that is how you prove to yourself that I'm not giving up on you, do what you have to do."

He snorts in disbelief. But... there is a small piece of him that hopes Nida really means that. That he was better, and not just a waste. A mistake.

Sometimes he still wishes he'd been executed when Galbadia had claimed they did. Or maybe just never made it to the orphanage at all. That he'd not lived past childhood. It would have made things a lot simpler for him. Maybe for everyone else as well. Not allowing his expression to betray anything he moved over to collect the chopped vegetables to start cooking them up.

"I'm not pushing. I'm just trying to convince you it's not worth your energy. You got plenty of better people you could be helping."

"I get to determine who is worth my energy, and you make the list," Nida counters.

He reaches out, grabbing Seifer's wrist. Skin to skin contact. And he reaches into the new power he's figured out. Pushes it at Seifer. Fifteen seconds is all he needs to make Seifer more confident. So he holds Seifer's wrist tightly and focuses. And when he counts out that fifteen seconds he stares defiantly into Seifer's eyes.

"You're my friend and the brother I choose. So you're beyond worth it. As worth it as Billy is."

It's a difficult sentiment to argue against, and yet annoying all the same. "You're making a mistake." He insists more pointedly.

Everyone is making a mistake. He tried to prove himself, he failed in a most spectacular fashion. That's it, that should have been game over. Galbadia Garden should have been game over. Should have been the end of him. But here he is, for some stupid reason making the same stupid mistakes hoping that maybe someday what Nida says is true. Even if he knows better. Optimism is stupid.

He tries to pull away when Nida grabs him, hissing in annoyance. "The hell? Let go of me." A boost of confidence might help for a few minutes. Won't fix years of bad self-worth driven into his head. Nice effort though, Nida. "You can say that all you want, it won't last." But then, maybe Nida will prove to be as stalwart as the whole two people in the world he could ever rely on.

He misses them so much.

"Maybe not, but see how ell those twelve hours of luck help you out," Nida shrugged when he released Seifer. "And I refuse to give up on this."

Still, he's done with his task here. "Anything else you need me to chop?"

He shakes his head, huffing in annoyance. Not sure how that's supposed to help anything, but he's scowling anyway. Didn't ask for Nida to go magicking him and he'd appreciate it if he'd ask first, damn it. Idly he rubbed his wrist, shooting a look like he'd been betrayed. "I don't understand how you can care this much. I was nothin' but an asshole to you, remember? I'm a piece of shit."

It just didn't add up to him. He shakes his head and waves Nida off. Fine, go, he didn't want to talk anyway.

"Past tense."

That's the long and short of it. He pushes to his feet and moves to join Seifer by the stove. Back to leaning against the counter.

"You were an asshole to me. I hated how you treated me. And now you hover over me when I sprain my wrist. You offer me sympathy. You stress that I'm more than what Garden made me. You're not the man now that you were then. Just like I'm not."

Oh. He's not leaving? Seifer raises an eyebrow, settling back into the instructions for his cooking. Has to make this a nice meal for Nida, it's important to him.

"Speaking of should you be standin' on it?" Okay yes he's redirecting a bit, habit. He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. It's a good point, sure, but still...

"Even you admit there are pieces left. You're fighting with them now. So how can you justify trusting me after what I've done?" He turned on them and tried to kill them all. That's a little worse than just being the good soldier they made him into.

"...It wasn't personal you know." He grumbles as an afterthought. His being a dick. He'd been a dick to everyone. After a while it was the only way he could assert some kind of control over his own life.

"Will people please get over my ankle? Look, I'm over it," Nida said, and yeah, that was a joke. Laugh would you? Because he thinks it's funny enough. And a deflection. How insane their conversations had gotten, with all this avoiding topics while trying to pin the other down on one.

"You don't know what I know, which is that you didn't do that," he offered, his voice soft. "I have the reports. I have Edea's word. I have yours. Well, an older you, and apparently it took Squall a long time to pry it loose, but there you go. So maybe I'm still fighting my ghosts. No reason to believe, so close to Ultimecia's actions as you are, that you aren't fighting your ghosts. We're just at different points on that hopeful progression of healing. Of accepting ourselves. Of accepting each other."

It wasn't personal? Yeah, well Nida can accept that. He smirks at Seifer, looking at him once again.

"In a way, I was thankful for it, Seifer. You were one of so few people to ever notice me. Even negative attention serves to reaffirm that you're actually there."

Seifer just raises an eyebrow. He's worried, he thinks he's allowed to be worried. This conversation has gotten far too heavy for humor, but thanks to Nida's confidence boost he is at least feeling less immediately down on himself. Just resigned. "You start whinin' about it I'm not carryin' you." He offers with a wry smirk. Okay... maybe he'll take your joke.

"I did enough," He is still absolutely unwilling to let his slate be so easily wiped clean. It's too easy. It's wrong for it to be that easy. Not after what he'd done to everyone. Squall and Rinoa especially. He finds it hard to believe he'd ever admit to such a thing, did Squall make him somehow? He looks troubled. But... that person in his vision didn't look much like him at all. Hard to believe that had been him. Yet it was, undeniably. How do you separate all of that out? Nida's right about the ghosts, he still has a lot of fighting to do.

"Yeah, well..." He offers a half-hearted shrug and a far more depressed smile than he intended. "I know." Negative attention was so much better than no attention. Maybe Seifer was saying he got that better than Nida might have realized.

"Of course you would carry me, twinkle toes," he counters with a smile. Come on, don't make him rely on Billy or Tommy. They could never carry someone his size. Not as they are now.

Yeah, he did get that better, didn't he? Nida's own smile fades as he reaches out to Seifer.

"I think the only reason I didn't act out is because I saw just what happens to people that do. I really can't blame you. But the past is in the past. All we can do is try to be better in the future. One step at a time. One decision at a time. Like that we'll pave the way to a new future for ourselves."

"I would give you never ending shit," He amends. Yeah, yeah, he probably would carry him and gripe about it the whole time. It's not like anyone else was handy that was strong enough.

He huffs, attempting a reassuring smile. It doesn't really reach his eyes. "If any of this is real." If any of Nida's memories are real, or his own. Hell, it's a mess, trying to sort out all that uncertainty. Still can't really trust his own brain after all.

"You know. Speaking of the fucked up things we think about." He hesitates, unsure, but Nida's admitted so much, maybe it would be safe. Maybe he wouldn't think less of him. "I wish they had executed me. At least then I'd have died doing something worthwhile instead of..." He cuts off there, a hand going unconsciously to the scar left behind after that final blow that had felled him. It had looked a lot worse watching it from the outside.

He's not going to finish that thought.

"So that's different from now?"

But please, don't talk to him about this not being real. The very idea of it earns a very distressed look. Seifer doesn't get how much he needs this to be real. Needs Billy to be real. Someone who could look past who he was and still have affection for him. Who could help him learn to have that sort of affection for others? Too important. Don't steal it.

Then the next thing hits and the sorrow is replaced by a strange sort of understanding.

"I saw the broadcast, back in Balamb. I applauded you the second I saw your blade to his throat. And when I heard you were put to death..."

It had hit close to home. It had hurt in ways he didn't know how to put into words back then. Because of his parents, he understood now.

"I hear Squall about flipped over it. Shouted down his own team because he didn't like them talking about you like you were dead. Because he didn't want to be like that either or something. But I think... I think if it wasn't you there, it would have been someone else. Of course, the executioner's blade caught up with you later in a way, didn't it?"

His own hand reaches out, not quite touching the scar, but definitely hovering nearby.

"I've felt it, when we've grappled. Squall killed you, didn't he? He was the only one with a blade that could do that much damaged. And the Sorceress picked you up and kept you going. How can you even begin to think that was your own will?"

"If you think it's bad now just wait I haven't even gotten started." He smirks.

Sorry, Nida, he does look apologetic after saying it. In a lot of ways he needs it to be real too. There are people who, for some reason he still can't fathom, care about him. After all the years of trying so desperately to matter to someone, somehow, he finally had it. Tony Stark cared, for some reason, let him think for himself. Anne also looked after him even after watching some of what he'd done. Why? He didn't know, but it felt good to not be left out in the cold again. Tossed aside like garbage. Easy to forget and easy to brush off once he was gone. Maybe he really could matter here.

Maybe they can both be people here. Even if it is fake, he'd rather stay. It's real enough to them.

His attention turns back to Nida, genuinely surprised. "He cared? Squall had a fucking reaction?" He can't believe it. Mister never responds to anything, he'd have expected Squall to have taken the news the coldest. Their dying was a given, wasn't it? Maybe he was wrong about Squall. "Sure the rest of 'em were glad to hear I was outta their hair." He growls. No, Seifer doesn't have the most charitable view of anyone. Maybe Rinoa cared, she said she did he had no reason to disbelieve her. Zell was probably delighted.

A snort and he looked away. Back to his cooking like he suddenly needed to pay really close attention because reasons. Nida figured it out before he did. "I didn't remember it. Just another scar. But watching it like that..." So that's what his delightful broadcast had been about. Watching himself die. "Pathetic." Even worse that she'd used Rinoa to do it.

"I hear Zell wanted to get revenge for you," Nida counters. It isn't that hard to believe, is it? They were Seifer's family on some level, even if they forgot it. But whatever, he doesn't have to justify this all to him. Not that he could.

Still, it makes sense, that Seifer might not remember death. It's traumatic. Nida's own fingers brush over a place where a scar is covered by his shirt.

"I don't remember one of the times I almost died. Trauma. Messes with the brain."

"What?" Shock, absolute shock. "Why in the hell...?" It was as hard to fathom as Squall giving a shit. Or Quistis. Or really anyone else. Sure Seifer had been furious to hear they'd sent Squall and Zell off on a suicide mission that he was responsible for bringing to the table in the first place. But that didn't translate to any of them having the slightest bit of care if he died. That was surprising, shocking even.

Maybe he underestimated the bond they'd shared after all. Even if there was nothing good between them.

Death is very traumatic. Add on everything else that was happening at the time? Of course his memories were a mess. Only to come out and haunt him in his sleep.

"Was that with the T-Rexaur, or something else?"

"Ask Rinoa. She was there," Nida shrugged. "I only have reports and Selphie's stories."

The T-Rexaur? Nah, that's the other side of his body. So he shakes his head and smirks. "Galbadian blade. Suppose they should have shot me in the head like they did my parents."

"Mm, not sure I wanna bring up that conversation again." They already had a rough fight over it. Evidently he's wrong about just how much everyone hates him. Another bit of asshole to add to the pile he supposes.

"Glad they missed." Should he ask when that happened? He doesn't think he wants to know. "Hey uh, don't tell Rinoa about this, alright? I don't think she'll take it well." Especially the she resurrected him part but he's not sure he wants to mention that either.

"You two have your own issues to work through."

They all have issues, and yes, he's noticed the tension. But who is he to get between their tension? He doesn't want kicked out because of their conflict.

"Like I'm not telling her about what her father did to my family. Absolutely. I know better than that."

Nida, With A Shiny White Band - Open and Closed Prompts

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