sixthiterationlogs | Here's to my future, Here's to my yesterday

Entry tags:

Here's to my future, Here's to my yesterday

WHO: Tony Stark
WHERE: Village, Forge, Spring
WHEN: September 29th - October 7th
OPEN TO: Marked prompts are locked, ota marks are ota
WARNINGS: Swearing, descriptions of canon appropriate violence, recreational weed use

September 29th - [ Locked to Iron Bull, Kamala, Elena, Steve Rogers ]

He doesn't know why he thought it'd be a stroke of midnight kind of deal, a bibbity-bobbity-fuck-you' sort of thing but, well, he thought it'd be one moment of having a full, unscarred chest and all his youthful spring and a jolt before he went back to having a chest full of shrapnel scarring and shitty, shitty knees. A more gradual decline is- well. Probably less traumatic and more reasonable, thank you mysterious sciencey bullshit magic overlords, but no thank you, not really. By the time he makes his way to the Inn some of the grey hair's back, the ache in his shoulders from working the forge hard and long for the last two weeks, settling in, an odd hitch to his breathing he cant quite peg as being mostly normal until it wasn't. It's nothing, he's fine, this was expected, right? Right. Just means he takes a little bit longer to squint down at his notes while he eats lunch, stands up slow as his spine pops like a set of firecrackers when he clears out.

Work, predictably, slows down somewhat at the Forge. He can't hit as hard, as long, as he might've the day before- which is probably a sign shit is going down with his system but denial thy name is Tony 'Fuck You I Reject Your Reality And Substitute My Own' Stark. He's not going to give in to the fact the hammer feels heavier, drawing the wire feels more difficult, or that he's got a building migraine (Which he hadn't had for the past two weeks, what a fucking joy it's been). Nope. He's sweating, taking breaks, and denying that he should probably just. Take a day. One more hour? Maybe two.

End of the day- earlier than he's been clearing out for the last while- and he's resigned himself to taking maybe one or two days of just to recover. Admitting that yeah, he's back to how he was when he arrived, now (minus the hole Thanos gave him) at least to himself Tony's taking a not so long walk to the Fountain for a bucket to shut down the forge- leaving it to burn attended for that Long? Asking for trouble. It's not the walk to the Fountain. It's not dropping the bucket in and filling it, it's hauling it up that hits him hardest. He manages- barely, to get it up to the lip before that hitch he's had all day doubles down and locks in with, oh, right, he's missing parts of his lungs and shit- and he's forgotten how to breathe through it. Tony slumps against the ledge, hand pressed to his chest, eyes squeezed shut as he tries and fails to get any actual air in his mangled lungs.

October 1 - 7th OTA

Two days of weren't exactly enough after pushing so hard for so long and letting it all catch up to him- Tony'll never admit it, not in a million years, but he's...taking it easy. Handling theoretical work for the time being. Which means research at the School House, or hiking all the way over to the Mill to see what he's working with RE getting some kind of analog power set up- or making a hydroelectric power a more consistent kind of deal. He'd been by before but now? It's less pacing and measuring, more sitting, listening to the wheel work, and letting his mind wander. It's actually kind of peaceful.

The hooka of weed probably doesn't hurt much either, but joint pain is joint pain and self medicating is something he's got a history of. As long as he's tucked up in the mill he's not likely to expose Pete or Kamala to the terrible habit. Theoretical Engineering under the influence has always led to some interesting (only somewhat implausible) ideas. Couldn't hurt.

Most nights he makes the trek out to the Springs- only once measuring a flattish area for changing stalls or whatever before giving up on it for the time being. His stuff's packed up somewhere safe (in a zebra print bag that use to be a snuggie, tied to a tree) He's got a canteen of water and a few peaches to gnaw on. Might as well double dip on bullshit accelerated healing assistants.

Later still, when he can't sleep, when he can't work due to lack of light or lack of energy he sits on the porch of House 34 staring out into the night, mug of tea at his elbow. Quiet. Contemplative like he normally isn't, hands twisting and turning a length of delicate chain between his fingers as he wills himself into exhaustion- or at the very least attempts to do so.

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It helps them both, sharing a bed. Tucked up close or tangled or even back to back, barely touching- however it is that reminds them they're both here, they're alive, they survived- usually it's enough to help Tony drift off for three or four hours. But all that talk of the symposium getting twisted into wedding bullshit-

Barnes hadn't meant anything, he knows that. Barnes didn't exactly know and sure there'd been a press release, but the man wasn't exactly someone to keep up with celebrity gossip and that's all it was until they set a real date. Or. They'd had a date and it slipped by and this was the second date-

Caterers and flower arrangements and she'd been idly shopping for a gown while Tony tried to keep said shopping on the DL to make her life easier-

A million details he'd tamped down to forget spilling out of their box, leaving a Pott's shaped hole in his chest.

"We hadn't set a date." A beat. "Well we had bit it was a decoy date, the kind of thing you release to the public so they're trying to figure out where you're doing something that's supposed to be intimate and meaningful so they can watch it like it's entertainment."

It's not often he's so overtly bitter about living in the public's eye but- it's a day for that kind of thinking.

Bruce waited for Tony to decide what to say, running hands over his short hair that he still wasn't used to. It gave him a little time to wake up too. He had a feeling that the marriage post was going to come up again. He knew it was going to stew in Tony's head, and he felt guilty for taking part in it, even if it was probably the most he'd been able to joke in years. Because it wasn't a joke. Tony was going to marry Pepper, not anyone else; that's how it was always supposed to happen.

Bruce loved Pepper Potts. He'd been startled that Tony was nice to him, and certain at the time only he saw Bruce as someone worth trusting, and then he met her. She didn't have super powers and she had every reason to fear the Hulk, but she seemed to have the same skill of looking into someone's heart and seeing what no one else could. She was unrelentingly kind to him. At first it made him uncomfortable, to have so many positive words aimed at him after a decade of the worst, but he adjusted. The last time he saw her, it was when he had to take Tony out of their happy bubble and into the Thanos one. She'd looked only concerned for him when he did. Not angry, not frustrated, just worried.

So he chose to believe she was alive. Just like he was choosing to believe Betty was alive. People that good didn't deserve to be dust.

"God forbid Pepper and Tony get to have a day for themselves instead of for the rest of the world," he gently chimed in. Hey, he could be bitter enough for the both of them if he needed to be. "What were you thinking for the real thing?" Bruce could imagine them married, but he couldn't really imagine the wedding. Would it be overkill? Or overly pragmatic? Or soft and intimate and sweet? Maybe a mix of all of them, considering the two people involved.

"She used to have plenty, before I made her CEO." Her time wasn't hers but- if she wanted to take time off, if she wanted to buy a backless gown for herself on he birthday and wear it to a gala no one hounded her for it. After he made her his successor-

Everything he'd ever put up with times two. Worse, even, though she hadn't been anywhere near the trainwreck he'd been. She couldn't afford to be. She couldn't take as much time for herself, couldn't date casually or have a life outside the company. Getting involved with him only complicated things no matter how hard he tried to make it easier on her; or how carefully they crafted their public image. It wasn't fair- and it was everything he'd fought to protect Bruce from. Being close to him, being involved with Tony Stark got you attention. Got you press. Made life difficult.

Pepper's care and consideration came hand and hand with Tony's, as did Rhodey's. Jarvis' while he existed, and Friday's. His tribe was small but they took care of one another and now-

Now it might be smaller still. "Small. Destination in Italy, my mother has family there. Sometime in the spring, in a vineyard. We'd fly everyone there."

Tony's head dipped as he turned the chain over and over in his fingers, delicate links glinting in the moonlight. "No reporters, no press. No politics. I'd say no superheros but I'd be there and Rhodey would be there. You were always going to be invited and Vis-"

Vision who was dead. Gone. Possibly like Pepper and half the fucking Universe.

"You offered her CEO, and she accepted it. Pepper wanted the job, because she knew she could be amazing at it, and she is. She seems like the type of woman who makes her own life decisions, albeit with some suggestion from people she cares about." Bruce could see her tolerating some things for Tony's sake, but she had her own ambitions and goals outside. He didn't want this to be another thing Tony blamed himself for, like he forced her into the life. Then again, he couldn't control what Tony blamed himself for. If he could, his friend would be a lot less hard on himself.

Being in any kind of spotlight was basically a nightmare for him. He felt exposed and anxious about it when he was part of the Avengers, always ready for something to go wrong and wreck his new life. Bruce preferred staying in the tower and out of the public eye as himself. The Hulk was the public face, and what a face that was. But that too was a choice he made. He weighed the pros and cons, and then said to hell with it and walked into Stark Tower. For better or for worse.

Bruce glanced over at him and saw the chain, the glint keeping his eye there, and he slid a little closer. "That could still all be in our future. It might take some finagling to change what Thanos did, mad science and then some, but it's possible." Their positions were reversed now, with Bruce believing things could be reversed. He wanted to believe it, so he did. "Tony, you and me, just us alone is proof that crazy things can happen. We should've been dead a dozen times now, but somehow we keep going." Past the end of the world. "The Hulk crashed on a planet in the middle of no where, on the far end of the galaxy, and Thor showed up. None of what happens to us makes any sense. So it's not that insane or impossible to think we can reverse things, and you can have your Italian wedding and I'll be there."

"Spite's a pretty powerful motivator." It'd been enough for him and Yensin in the cave- enough for him when Vaanko tried to tear him apart, when Loki cracked the sky open overhead, when Killan tried to burn everything he'd built to the ground. But the longer he was here, the longer the quiet had to seep into his bones now that he couldn't work himself into exhaustion? The more time he had to think about what they'd left behind. The ruin on Titan.

The ashes that'd been Peter, been Quill and his crew.

The world he'd flown away from to save even as Pepper begged him to come back because she knew it was a one way trip. She knew.

Even when she'd been resigned to him taking action.

How fucking ridiculous was he to assume that two years would mean more peace? To forget, even for a moment, that the world didn't work like that, not for him. The chain in his fingers twisted and snarled- something fragile meant for a pendant. He hadn't gotten around to working on that, simply practicing drawing out wire so fine and hair thin to leave it delicate. "We don't even know if we can make it back home from here, Bruce. There are too many variables."

Normally he could streamline them but- right now? They were over-fucking-whelming.

"Spite isn't sustaining as a motivation. And that's not your primary drive." Spite helped, but it was shallow. Changing the world, making choices to help people, it had to come from somewhere else. In the case of a few people, it came from guilt and seeking redemption. For Bruce, it started out from a very genuine philanthropic place. Now it was a mix of motivations. He generally assumed everyone had about ten reasons for every one thing they did, they just weren't always aware of them, or likely to list them in their head like he did.

Bruce witnessed their people turning into ash. He thought at the time that Tony was almost certainly already dead. His mind hadn't gotten to the full scope of how many people were dead, but he knew it was half the planet, and then half of every plant and every part of the solar system. Getting out of this situation just led them to get into the other one. And he was still pretty sure he didn't want to go back, but he also couldn't send Tony back alone. It was all a mess. He still had to have the faith all the same.

"Yeah, I know the variables, but again, we've managed to do a lot of unbelievable things. We'll just have to keep trying." He sighed and reached out to rub Tony's back soothingly. He never really knew the right things to say. It wasn't like anyone was able to talk him out of a dark mood. "And if we're stuck here, for now, we'll have to make the most out of it. We'll share information, get a bunch of brilliant minds together to not blow up things, and survive." It really was the only option at the moment. What else could they do?

"But ...." And this was the truth. "Sometimes it's okay to just not have any answers or any ideas of what to do and to just wallow is uncertainty and sadness for a little while."

"I'm not wallowing." Except he was, wasn't he? Sitting out here, soaking up the uncertainty, letting his mind wander and weave through every horrific possibility that might befall Pepper. Maybe she was snapped. Maybe another one of those ships came down in New York. Maybe what was left of Hydra swung in if they were left, and how fair would that be? Rhodey would take care of her, if he never made it back. She could handle herself but-

"Maybe I am." He listed, sagging into Bruce, eyes dropping closed as he turns his head to rest against his shoulder. "I can't stop thinking about it."

His greatest tool's always been his biggest curse- a mind that never quit meant he could think up any kind of future if he went at it long enough- or any kind of hell when he couldn't keep himself distracted. And even with all the projects he made for himself, all the work he put into keeping busy- when the nights ran longer and he spent less time in the forge, he couldn't help but think of it. Her crumbling away into nothing. Everything he might've done differently to prevent it.

"It's easier when I've got a project. When I can look at the next step, and the one after that, what we need to do to keep people here safe and alive and it's so fucking basic compared to back home it's almost laughable. This shit? This shit is easy-" His laugh was low and bitter and raw edged, of course it was easy. "And I still don't know how to fix it."

"Okay, wallowing might not be the right word. Sitting in your sadness for a little while instead of denying it. We've gone through a lot the past few years." What an understatement. Bruce always considered what he did wallowing, but that didn't mean Tony was. He settled closer so he could wrap his whole arm around Tony and be his shoulder for now. "It's not like you can say stop thinking about it, and that works." If it did work, they wouldn't be haunted by their mistakes so long. "You're traumatized." He wished he did have the temperament of a therapist, maybe he could help people around here with those kinds of skills. Ask him about how a brain functioned, he understood that, but the inner workings, not so much.

Bruce listened and nodded, because he knew all too well about projects being good distractions. It was all he'd done since getting there, not in the forge but in the schoolhouse. Organizing things. Reading the bulletin boards that were up, but trying to see if there were holes that needed to be filled by others. It was very good at keeping his mind engaged, but at the same time, Bruce was better at shouldering through grief and trauma.

"You can't fix it alone. You don't have to take the lion's share of the burden, Tony. We're all in the same boat here." It wasn't the same thing as back home, when he had the money and influence and toys. Everyone relied on him heavily and sometimes didn't realize the extent of what he did every day. He was used to taking things off the plate so other people didn't have to, because people had more freedom there, to focus on their own issues. Now everyone had the same issue. One giant alien experiment issue.

"We are going to get the group here, and we are going to work together. Everyone will be responsible for keeping us safe and alive. It's a better unifying force than what the Avengers had." They got together to fight bad guys ... when it was necessary? When they got a mission? It was always a question mark about when and what they had to do. Here, survival was instinct. There was no arguing about survival. People wanted to stay alive and mostly wanted to get out of there. "And you're not alone."

"I'm not-" But he is. He knows he is. The anxiety attacks, the wound tight tension that never really goes away, the scraped raw grief at having failed so fantastically? He'd thought Sibera would be the worst he could ever feel.

Then again, he'd thought the same about having Stane pull the reactor out of his chest.

"Sometimes I wish I could rewire my brain. Debug the code. Fix it." Fix himself, shake out everything that made him erratic or unreliable, dial back the need to look ahead until he could focus enough on the present. He pressed his forehead into Bruce's throat to breathe through the wave of harrowing dread, something that he could usually shake off. Trying to not think was impossible in so many ways for so many reasons, but the least of them? Was getting his brain to shut up. "If I knew, it'd be better. One way or another."

Closure. He never got enough of it, not really. Things happened and he never had a chance to process them. Now? All he had was time and space to do that and it was over-fucking-whelming. At least with Bruce to lean on it wasn't so...impossible.

"...I got you." The sky was blue, the grass was green, gravity was certain and Bruce? Was here. With him. A fundamental truth of Tony's universe.

"You are," Bruce murmured, but he knows that Tony is smart enough to know too. No one could go through any of what they did without being permanently scarred. It wasn't even the scars on their body. Their mind and heart were bloody remnants in many ways. And Tony cared so much, too much, he took it all into himself. If Bruce knew a way to take all of that sadness and guilt out and store it in himself, he would, because he could handle more suffering. He could always take more.

"I understand that, I really do. I feel it most of the time too." If he could make himself less anxious, less afraid, less shy, less likely to make bad decisions, less prone to hating himself. They were too smart. He hated to admitting he was smart, which was ridiculous, since he had seven PhDs, but it sounded like bragging. Still, he was smart, and sometimes with that level of intelligence came a whole bunch of overthinking. It was something they were both guilty of, and that much thinking also led to bad decisions. If they weren't geniuses, they might actually have better chances of being happy.

"But I like your brain. If it wasn't exactly as it was, you wouldn't be you, and I'd hate for you not to be you." The two of them understood one another on a level no one else really could. He kissed the top of Tony's hair when it nuzzled in close, and just held him. Things were awful. But they were together. "You do. And if it's up to me, I'm never leaving you again." It was a pretty heavy statement, considering the many ways that they could be torn apart, and how frequently Bruce fled instead of stayed. "The last time I left you, I ended up as an enslaved Hulk for two years, and the last time you left me, you got stabbed in the gut, so I think it's better if we stay together."

"I might be someone that had their shit together." Someone less prone to knee jerk reactions to stimuli that break up superhero groups, someone with fewer skeletons in the closet, less blood on their hypothetical hands. Fewer issues. there was a list of things he'd try to mend, recode, or correct in his brain. The root of all the habits he was trying to learn to work around, the behaviour he went to therapy to correct. Someone that could stand up to Thanos and win, maybe.

Or at least hold the line long enough for everyone else to make the right play. The right call. The one that saved half the universe and not, well. Him.

It was hard to hold onto all of that the longer he sat, curled with Bruce. To blame himself when he knew this, at least, he'd gotten right. Bruce felt safe around him, Bruce cared. Bruce who had so few people in his life that mattered, that he trusted- and he trusted Tony. Even after knowing what he did with the accords, with Ross. "Kinda glad you didn't go with me to Titan. I thought- I hoped you'd be safe with Wong, or that Rhodey would take care of you."

"I'm not convinced we know anyone who has their shit together. Just varying degrees of pretending. Oh, wait, okay maybe the Bartons." They did, overall, seem to really have it together. He envied that more than he could say. They had everything he used to dream about. They were very lucky, and seemed to know it, which was good. Bruce knew there was really nothing he could say that would convince Tony of anything, but he was going to try anyway. That was what they did for each other. He used to think there was nothing anyone could say that would convince him to stay in one place, let alone in New York City, and yet.

"I don't know. The Hulk was a lot more likely to come out to save you than he is to save me. We may be more independent from one another than ever, but he's always liked you best." Because Tony didn't see him as a monster, and yes, Bruce was aware that the two of them were the same, and also not the same, it was complicated, and that him loving Tony meant the Hulk liked him too. Either way, the result was the same. The big guy was invested in some lives. "He was willing to fight for Thor, and he doesn't even like him that much." It was Banner himself the Hulk hated, so. Yes, something a dozen shrinks would want to pick apart in long long sessions.

"But he'd probably resist until you were stabbed or I was basically dead. He did that the last time in Asgard. Waited until I was crushed and body was broken on the bridge before showing up." Hulk used to be just waiting to come out, quick whenever Banner was weak for even a moment. Now it was more difficult. "Rhodey did. They all did." Take care of each other, as much as they could, for the end.

"Did I tell you we made a new team?" Bruce grinned, because this part was pretty funny. "Thor was trying to convince me and 142, she's a new friend of his, to band together to save Asgard, and he called us the Revengers. Because we were seeking revenge. Mostly because he couldn't think of a better team name. It was us and Loki of all people." Bruce hadn't spoke much in detail about what happened there. It rarely occurred to him to talk about things that happened to him unless he had a funny story or someone asked a question.

"We couldn't be sure of that, Bruce, and it's not a risk I'm willing to take with you." That the hulk MIGHT save him instead of letting Bruce die. A moon had been thrown at them. Time and space got knotted around and fucked with like it was nothing. The showdown with the Guardians might've gone weird and wrong on top of it and- it was better to think that Bruce was safe on earth, far from where the big guy was headed. Until he left and all he had to think was that they all failed.

"No, I don't think you did." The Revengers? Thor's smart, sure, but apparently not all that creative. Or maybe hat was the most appropriate- avenging is a little more highanded than seeking revenge, though the two are pretty well linked. Tony couldn't even claim credit for the name 'Avengers', that was all Fury and Coulson. It was easier to focus on that than wonder why Hulk would let Bruce fall and land hard- his entire purpose was to protect Banner, protect himself. Waiting until he hurt-

Resentment? He'd had a life for two years and maybe- Tony shook off the thought, following with the fact that Loki had been involved.

"Hold up-" That. What? "Loki. Same guy that brought down an army. And- who's 142? Start from the earliest you remember of being wherever you were and get me up to speed."

"We all risked everything that day, Tony. I wasn't going to do any less." It meant fighting as himself for once. Killing for the first time as himself. the Hulk was his weapon and used to do all the dirty work. Bruce did understand, but he thought for certain Hulk would consider his own life and preservation above all else. Maybe he didn't want to live if it meant being Banner permanently again. The story though. Hmmm.

"Well, when Ultron attacked, Nat and I had ... a moment." A moment. Yeah. He blushes slightly at that, which is so stupid because he's a grown man, but. Whelp. "I didn't want to be the Hulk anymore, but she forced the transition. And he left after the battle. I remember becoming him. I vaguely remember blurry things with strangers, and they cut my hair." He ran his fingers along the short hair now. All of that was confused, and Bruce only lasted a short time. "The Hulk took over immediately, and that was it for a long while. Until, uhh, the Hulk saw a message from Nat ...." Yeah, he hadn't really talked about her or their thing before. It was fresh for him, but not for her. "And turned back to me."

Lost on a planet. "Thor was stuck there as a gladiator too, his evil sister took over Asgard. 142, her name is Scrapper 142, she didn't give me her real name. She's a Valkyrie. She's ... just ...." Bruce may be a little starry eyed don't judge him. "She and the Hulk were friends, he cared about her. She helped us fight Thor's sister, and then Thor had to make the decision to destroy the planet and save the people. I didn't want to turn back into the Hulk because I thought it was permanent, but the people needed him." So of course he did it. With only mild hesitation. "And then I was him for awhile until I crashed onto earth and the wizards found me."

Bruce had a way of just stating facts, quick and direct. Without a whole lot of emotions behind them, even though there were a lot of emotions on the inside. He was very good at suppressing them. "After you went away, I called Steve, and we all met at the headquarters. I figured maybe Princess Shuri could help us separate the stone from Vision, so we went to Wakanda. They attacked almost immediately. I put on Veronica, and we were doing okay, but then Thanos showed up." And that was the general thing. They didn't win. He beat them. "Wanda killed Vision, it was pretty horrible to watch. They were in love, but the stone had to be destroyed. But Thanos had this time warping ability." And that was where it all ended.

He had to pull away a little, arm still around Bruce's waist, watching him as he ran through what he'd experienced. The Hulk, the arena, everything and- oddly enough he's caught up on the expression on his face whenever he spoke about Thor. The stars in his eyes when he mentioned 142. It was similar, in shades, to the way he looked when he mentioned Betty. It didn't happen often back home, it was a sore point and Tony wanted them to be looking forward, building a better tomorrow. Creating a brighter future- and looking backward could help for inspiration but not for relationships. Even if he had to admit: Betty was pretty remarkable. Brilliant and beautiful. That wasn't what surprised him.

The same look when he spoke about Thor- well. Everyone had a thing about Thor, right? It was Thor. It was like a rule, a rite of passage. If you breathed you were into him. Right? Right.

"And the brought you to me." Because Bruce would know that he'd want to be involved. To fix things. To stop what was coming, the thing he'd been worried about, been trying to prepare everyone for since New York. Bruce must've met up with them at the compound to regroup so- Ross. Shit. And Rhodey protected Bruce from that, because he was a good friend, a good man and Vision would, of course, offer his life. One life versus half the universe. "...the time Stone. Doctor Strange- the wizard- he gave it up to have Thanos spare me."

Yes, Bruce had that look. It wasn't that different from how he looked at Tony when they first met, and still did, when they were in bed together or in the lab laughing. With Thor and 142, they were admired from a distance, far above him. He wouldn't note it as a crush, but it certainly might be on the infatuation line. They were so impressive. Powerful. Brilliant. He walked among gods. Since he lacked any kind of sexual push, or at least not since that little flutter with Nat, he wouldn't actually see them past these warrior gods.

But yes, everyone was into Thor. It was impossible not to be.

"You were the first thing I asked for. I didn't know you were retired." All he could think of was to reach out to the only person he could always count on. Bruce was terrified at the time. He gazed back at Tony's face, and plenty of that adoration was looking at him with deep brown eyes. He didn't try to hide it. Why would he? "I know you would have gotten involved anyway, but I'm sorry I brought it right to you, when you didn't have a choice." He'd looked so happy with Pepper. Moved on. Bruce had wrapped his arms around him and collapsed into the embrace, and everything felt okay. It was selfish.

He was intrigued by that. Strange was very clearly not a sentimental man. He said the stone was everything to them. "That's not what I'd expect." Bruce took Tony's free hand with his own, threading their fingers together, just because. "That's something I would do." Maybe he thought Tony being alive was necessary if they lost, to help pick up the pieces. "Maybe he had his own reasons."

Edited 2018-10-10 02:55 (UTC)

It's easier to recognize something when it's turned on someone else, anyone else. When Bruce looked at him it's just- the way Bruce looked at him. Warm and trusting and open. Not something he got from a lot of people. Not something he felt he earned from many and Bruce handed it over without blinking. It was...humbling to say the least. But to have it turned on someone else? Cause for teasing, gentle ribbing. The gentlest as he reached up to ruffle Bruce's close cropped hair.

No small part of him missed the curls, but it was a moot point.

"No it's- I'm glad you told them to get me. I thought- You went missing, I couldn't find you, I didn't know if you were dead or not. So- I thought you were dead. And that my damn cloaking tech helped kill you." It might not be better, but it was bearable. "It was the only way, he'd said. To beat him. I still- it didn't fit. I'm not worth half the universe."

Ugh, morbid. He shook his head, clinging to Bruce's hand. "Tell me more about Scrapper- 142?"

Bruce planned on growing it back out, because he hadn't chosen to get it cut in the first place. The slightly longer hair felt like him. There was a lot of what was going on in his life that he couldn't control, so he was going to go back to what was comfortable and familiar. He smiled when Tony ruffled his hair. "I don't think the hair suits me. It'll be gone soon." He very rarely considered the way he looked though. It was all about comfort. He was very average compared to his teammates, and that was okay with him. He preferred blending in.

"I'm sorry, I really am. If we hadn't gotten lost in space, I promise I would have reached out and let you know I was alive." Bruce was going to go into hiding no matter what. Perhaps they could have reeled him back in eventually, or found him and reminded him that it was going to be okay. But he'd been so afraid and ashamed. He got fooled into thinking he could be good. Nat and he bonded over that, their shared certainty that they were just playing at being heroes. "We almost killed you, Tony. He would have, he was so out of his mind." And yes, that was Wanda, but he wasn't going to hold her accountable. He almost killed the only person who cared about him. He would have never gotten over that.

"If he said it was the only way, maybe he was right. Maybe that will be the key when we go back." Weirder things had happened. They could still find hope, maybe.

Bruce instantly blushed again, hanging his head and putting his forehead on Tony's shoulder. "Oh, you know, my usual type of any gender, strong, beautiful, powerful, hilarious, incredibly far out of my league." He realized that he never actually mentioned his type. There was Betty. Then there was Nat. He was very casual about it though, like it was common knowledge. He would call it appreciation over real interest, because interest was off the table for him. He wasn't ready to think about how interest could be reality, if he found someone again. "It's not like that though. She was friends with the Hulk, and I think she and Thor have this crackling energy between them. I'm not ... I don't do that. It's admiration, that's all." He really was okay with that. "You would love her, she reminds me of you. Very chatty and personable. I think you'd have a quip off."

"And who did that to him?" He refused, absolutely, to lay that all at Hulk's feet. He didn't attack innocents. He didn't lash out unless he felt there was a threat. Wanda warped perceptions of reality- making Hulk feel threatened? A cakewalk. Things changed, sure, Wanda here wasn't the same woman that did that, sure. But some shit he wouldn't set down and forgive outright. Playing with someone's mind? Was on that list. But-

The woman here wasn't the same. And he didn't hold her half as accountable as he probably could. "You could've, you didn't. He didn't. Fuck- I can't believe Nat forced you to change afterward- I knew you came into the fight but I didn't know..."

Natasha hadn't said anything. But after what happened, how embroiled in self loathing Bruce had been? How traumatizing Johannesburg was?

Fuck.

There were a million brighter, better things to think about than that connection with Natasha that Tony hadn't noticed growing (what kind of shitty friend was he?), like. The Valkyrie and Thor. Tony reached up to pat the back of Bruce's head, dipping to kiss his hair. "She'd be lucky to have you."

Wait, what. Type of any gender? That- huh. Okay, he needed to recalibrate a few things in how he thought about Bruce. "Well if she ever shows up I'll just have to play wingman. I'm great at it."

"Wanda's a kid, and I know she's sorry for it. The Hulk's always been like that at his core. You all were good at aiming him in the right direction, but it was a matter of time." He came from anger and rage and hate. Bruce was really not sure how he lived his day to day life on that planet. He must have maintained his anger at all times, even when having a good time. Or maybe the truth was a part of Bruce didn't want to come out anymore. It was a mixed bag of possibilities.

"No, no, she was right. I was wrong. You needed the Hulk. It was my responsibility to end Ultron too." He remembered that moment when he thought he and Nat could actually walk away, and it was what he wanted. She kissed him and then pushed him, and he couldn't find it in him to be upset with her for it. "She wanted me, for some insane reason, but there was no future for us, I couldn't do that to her. It would've ended either way." The idea of making anyone else go on the run with him was not okay. In a moment of weakness, he wanted it, yes, he didn't want to be alone, he wanted to be loved. But eventually when they tried, and he couldn't be what she needed, they'd both regret it.

Bruce lifted his head and shook it quickly, basically whipping it at this point with his swift denial physical and vocal. "No, ha, no. Don't do that. It would be embarrassing. We're not ... I'm not ... She wouldn't ... it's not like that." He was flustered and shy thinking about it, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck, eyes dropping down. "I don't ... I haven't in over a decade. I wasn't able." Almost stammering at this point. "I don't even know if I remember how," that was a sort of joke, laughing anxiously. "No wing man. I'm fine." It wasn't necessarily a lack of interest, now that he could, he was a little horrified, because it meant he could, but wanted? Maybe. His insecurities would take a lot to surmount.

"...Right we're going to have to disagree on all of those points forever." And he'll quit bringing it up, which'll be easier now that Hulk's not, apparently, around anymore. It was difficult having friends that didn't like each other, normally- or at least he'd heard it was hard, but it was kind of a trip to have two of them that didn't get along when they shared the same body. But, again. Whatever. No longer a relevant point of conversation or debate. They had enough to worry about in the here and now, tabling that would be easier.

And simpler.

Even if the more Bruce waved off That Wanda (because whoever was in the village with them now wasn't that Wanda) and what she did the more it made him wonder if Bruce considered Tony's feelings on what was done to him valid or irrational or whatever but that was a spiral of messy, unproductive thought best nipped in the bud and shoved elsewhere. This Wanda? Pretty okay. From what little he knew of her as an abstract concept. Hard to get a read on someone when you went out of your way to avoid them. Maybe she was fine, who knew.

"Bruce. Buddy." Happier thoughts, happier prospects, like getting his good friend that's in desperate need of more affection and love than he's ever offered himself. "You're brilliant. And funny. And attractive."

Now that it had been brought to his attention, kind of hard to miss but- moot. "Find someone that'll take it slow with you. That's all. I don't think she'd give you a hard time about it. Bull hasn't given me any shit about being out of practice with men."

Bruce was always very good at waving off responsibility from other people and readily taking it into his own lap. Everyone else's feelings were valid, so it wouldn't occur to him to require anyone else to shrug off Wanda's actions, but for himself, it was on him. He really did suspect that what happened was inevitable. The Hulk was a wild card. No one could prepare for when one day he decided to stop listening. But he knew Tony didn't see it that way. It was kind, he gave them both the benefit of the doubt, but also frustrating, because he felt like they all got too complacent about the danger he represented.

That was done for now though. He almost brought up that Kira said sometimes powers came back, but decided not to; hopefully it simply wouldn't happen. A part of Bruce might be sad the Hulk was effectively dead, but he wasn't sad at all that he didn't have to fear for these people being around him.

He'd definitely prefer to talk about the Hulk than romance, because one he understood well, and the other was an impossibility. Bruce's face was hot and his ears were pink, and he was partly pleased, being teased over something so normal, and also unnerved since this was a new option for him. He just laughed at Tony saying he was attractive, shaking his head. "I'm pretty sure you are regularly ranked in those magazine most attractive people in the world things, so comparatively, I'm as average as a person could be. Which is fine! It's fine. I know I'm surrounded by super models, it doesn't bother me." Bruce preferred being overlooked.

"If I was living in some dream world where she'd look at Thor and then look at me and make that choice, it still would be asking a lot of someone who could have anyone. I tried to explain to Nat what a prize I wasn't, but ... it really doesn't matter. I've been okay all this time without." He was so much in his head about all of these things he'd probably need anxiety meds just to try and go on a date. There was no one else Bruce would talk about this with than Tony, who he knew wouldn't judge him, but also, yikes.

"Bull? Bull who? What?" Bruce was very perceptive ... except when he very much wasn't.

"Do you want me to list every way in which I or anyone else can find you attractive? Because I will." In a heartbeat. Without hesitation or any shade of shame. Of course that could make Bruce more rather than less self conscious and- that wasn't really the goal now, was it? "It doesn't mean you don't deserve to have someone to care about you as much as you care about them, Gummibear."

More than just him, more than Pepper and Rhodey, more than their odd little family. Every reason in the world to duck and hide and ignore every pain laid out before him and Bruce? Always tried to help. Stood up when it made him miserable, tried to fight and do good when he didn't need to. How could he be worthy of anything less?

"Oh. Uh, Iron Bull?" He blinked, shifting, trying to think of a way to put this since he'd thought Bruce had noticed. Clearly he'd been mistaken. "Big guy, grey skin, horns?"

Bruce paused, feeling a lot of things at the moment with no real leaning at the moment toward what was strongest. Anxiety and embarrassment, yes, but also he was glad it was being said out loud, even if it was uncomfortable. He never had anyone to talk about these things with. He was deeply skeptical of what Tony was saying, but his self-esteem had been low since childhood, something that Betty coaxed higher whenever she could. He couldn't deny that two beautiful women did for some reason find him attractive enough to want to be with. And they are smart, capable women.

"You don't have to say any of that," he murmured, hesitant. "I think you're biased and being kind." So Tony wasn't lying, but he also couldn't speak for other women and men. He was a good friend. Bruce paused again, thinking about it, turning the subject around in his head. "God, I didn't think about the fact I could now, without the Hulk getting in the middle. But I'm not sure, it seems really unimportant in the grand scheme of things. This hardly seems like the right situation to start a romance with anyone." Of course the man who planned on marrying the only woman he'd ever been with couldn't imagine sex without romance attached.

Bruce tilted his head at his friend, putting a reasonable distance between them since they were talking and Bruce was likely to just turtleshell into Tony's chest if he didn't. "Oh, yes, the horns, okay. What does he have to do with ---" Yes, he's a genius, shhh, but Bruce also has a tendency to ignore things. A powerful brain meant a powerful ability for denial. "You're not."

"Bruce when I first met you if it weren't for the world ending situation at hand and the knowledge that Pepper would be pissed I hadn't asked her first, I'd have probably kissed you. Or at least made three passes at you." Maybe five? Five felt more appropriate. The way he hunched in, the angle of his jaw, the disarrayed curls- there was a lot he found appealing in Bruce and time hadn't erased any of those traits. If anything proximity and exposure only made that awareness worse but- well. He'd put it at the back of his mind because Bruce didn't swing that way.

But he did.

And it wasn't relevant. It still wasn't relevant. But apparently his love life kind of was-

He brought it up, and the bitemark on his throat was kind of obvious. Sort of. "...Kind of am. Look- it doesn't mean anything. Sort of a return to form for me, meaningless sex to not cope with my issues."

Here's to my future, Here's to my yesterday

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