sixthiterationlogs | Here's to my future, Here's to my yesterday

Entry tags:

Here's to my future, Here's to my yesterday

WHO: Tony Stark
WHERE: Village, Forge, Spring
WHEN: September 29th - October 7th
OPEN TO: Marked prompts are locked, ota marks are ota
WARNINGS: Swearing, descriptions of canon appropriate violence, recreational weed use

September 29th - [ Locked to Iron Bull, Kamala, Elena, Steve Rogers ]

He doesn't know why he thought it'd be a stroke of midnight kind of deal, a bibbity-bobbity-fuck-you' sort of thing but, well, he thought it'd be one moment of having a full, unscarred chest and all his youthful spring and a jolt before he went back to having a chest full of shrapnel scarring and shitty, shitty knees. A more gradual decline is- well. Probably less traumatic and more reasonable, thank you mysterious sciencey bullshit magic overlords, but no thank you, not really. By the time he makes his way to the Inn some of the grey hair's back, the ache in his shoulders from working the forge hard and long for the last two weeks, settling in, an odd hitch to his breathing he cant quite peg as being mostly normal until it wasn't. It's nothing, he's fine, this was expected, right? Right. Just means he takes a little bit longer to squint down at his notes while he eats lunch, stands up slow as his spine pops like a set of firecrackers when he clears out.

Work, predictably, slows down somewhat at the Forge. He can't hit as hard, as long, as he might've the day before- which is probably a sign shit is going down with his system but denial thy name is Tony 'Fuck You I Reject Your Reality And Substitute My Own' Stark. He's not going to give in to the fact the hammer feels heavier, drawing the wire feels more difficult, or that he's got a building migraine (Which he hadn't had for the past two weeks, what a fucking joy it's been). Nope. He's sweating, taking breaks, and denying that he should probably just. Take a day. One more hour? Maybe two.

End of the day- earlier than he's been clearing out for the last while- and he's resigned himself to taking maybe one or two days of just to recover. Admitting that yeah, he's back to how he was when he arrived, now (minus the hole Thanos gave him) at least to himself Tony's taking a not so long walk to the Fountain for a bucket to shut down the forge- leaving it to burn attended for that Long? Asking for trouble. It's not the walk to the Fountain. It's not dropping the bucket in and filling it, it's hauling it up that hits him hardest. He manages- barely, to get it up to the lip before that hitch he's had all day doubles down and locks in with, oh, right, he's missing parts of his lungs and shit- and he's forgotten how to breathe through it. Tony slumps against the ledge, hand pressed to his chest, eyes squeezed shut as he tries and fails to get any actual air in his mangled lungs.

October 1 - 7th OTA

Two days of weren't exactly enough after pushing so hard for so long and letting it all catch up to him- Tony'll never admit it, not in a million years, but he's...taking it easy. Handling theoretical work for the time being. Which means research at the School House, or hiking all the way over to the Mill to see what he's working with RE getting some kind of analog power set up- or making a hydroelectric power a more consistent kind of deal. He'd been by before but now? It's less pacing and measuring, more sitting, listening to the wheel work, and letting his mind wander. It's actually kind of peaceful.

The hooka of weed probably doesn't hurt much either, but joint pain is joint pain and self medicating is something he's got a history of. As long as he's tucked up in the mill he's not likely to expose Pete or Kamala to the terrible habit. Theoretical Engineering under the influence has always led to some interesting (only somewhat implausible) ideas. Couldn't hurt.

Most nights he makes the trek out to the Springs- only once measuring a flattish area for changing stalls or whatever before giving up on it for the time being. His stuff's packed up somewhere safe (in a zebra print bag that use to be a snuggie, tied to a tree) He's got a canteen of water and a few peaches to gnaw on. Might as well double dip on bullshit accelerated healing assistants.

Later still, when he can't sleep, when he can't work due to lack of light or lack of energy he sits on the porch of House 34 staring out into the night, mug of tea at his elbow. Quiet. Contemplative like he normally isn't, hands twisting and turning a length of delicate chain between his fingers as he wills himself into exhaustion- or at the very least attempts to do so.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I'm not convinced we know anyone who has their shit together. Just varying degrees of pretending. Oh, wait, okay maybe the Bartons." They did, overall, seem to really have it together. He envied that more than he could say. They had everything he used to dream about. They were very lucky, and seemed to know it, which was good. Bruce knew there was really nothing he could say that would convince Tony of anything, but he was going to try anyway. That was what they did for each other. He used to think there was nothing anyone could say that would convince him to stay in one place, let alone in New York City, and yet.

"I don't know. The Hulk was a lot more likely to come out to save you than he is to save me. We may be more independent from one another than ever, but he's always liked you best." Because Tony didn't see him as a monster, and yes, Bruce was aware that the two of them were the same, and also not the same, it was complicated, and that him loving Tony meant the Hulk liked him too. Either way, the result was the same. The big guy was invested in some lives. "He was willing to fight for Thor, and he doesn't even like him that much." It was Banner himself the Hulk hated, so. Yes, something a dozen shrinks would want to pick apart in long long sessions.

"But he'd probably resist until you were stabbed or I was basically dead. He did that the last time in Asgard. Waited until I was crushed and body was broken on the bridge before showing up." Hulk used to be just waiting to come out, quick whenever Banner was weak for even a moment. Now it was more difficult. "Rhodey did. They all did." Take care of each other, as much as they could, for the end.

"Did I tell you we made a new team?" Bruce grinned, because this part was pretty funny. "Thor was trying to convince me and 142, she's a new friend of his, to band together to save Asgard, and he called us the Revengers. Because we were seeking revenge. Mostly because he couldn't think of a better team name. It was us and Loki of all people." Bruce hadn't spoke much in detail about what happened there. It rarely occurred to him to talk about things that happened to him unless he had a funny story or someone asked a question.

"We couldn't be sure of that, Bruce, and it's not a risk I'm willing to take with you." That the hulk MIGHT save him instead of letting Bruce die. A moon had been thrown at them. Time and space got knotted around and fucked with like it was nothing. The showdown with the Guardians might've gone weird and wrong on top of it and- it was better to think that Bruce was safe on earth, far from where the big guy was headed. Until he left and all he had to think was that they all failed.

"No, I don't think you did." The Revengers? Thor's smart, sure, but apparently not all that creative. Or maybe hat was the most appropriate- avenging is a little more highanded than seeking revenge, though the two are pretty well linked. Tony couldn't even claim credit for the name 'Avengers', that was all Fury and Coulson. It was easier to focus on that than wonder why Hulk would let Bruce fall and land hard- his entire purpose was to protect Banner, protect himself. Waiting until he hurt-

Resentment? He'd had a life for two years and maybe- Tony shook off the thought, following with the fact that Loki had been involved.

"Hold up-" That. What? "Loki. Same guy that brought down an army. And- who's 142? Start from the earliest you remember of being wherever you were and get me up to speed."

"We all risked everything that day, Tony. I wasn't going to do any less." It meant fighting as himself for once. Killing for the first time as himself. the Hulk was his weapon and used to do all the dirty work. Bruce did understand, but he thought for certain Hulk would consider his own life and preservation above all else. Maybe he didn't want to live if it meant being Banner permanently again. The story though. Hmmm.

"Well, when Ultron attacked, Nat and I had ... a moment." A moment. Yeah. He blushes slightly at that, which is so stupid because he's a grown man, but. Whelp. "I didn't want to be the Hulk anymore, but she forced the transition. And he left after the battle. I remember becoming him. I vaguely remember blurry things with strangers, and they cut my hair." He ran his fingers along the short hair now. All of that was confused, and Bruce only lasted a short time. "The Hulk took over immediately, and that was it for a long while. Until, uhh, the Hulk saw a message from Nat ...." Yeah, he hadn't really talked about her or their thing before. It was fresh for him, but not for her. "And turned back to me."

Lost on a planet. "Thor was stuck there as a gladiator too, his evil sister took over Asgard. 142, her name is Scrapper 142, she didn't give me her real name. She's a Valkyrie. She's ... just ...." Bruce may be a little starry eyed don't judge him. "She and the Hulk were friends, he cared about her. She helped us fight Thor's sister, and then Thor had to make the decision to destroy the planet and save the people. I didn't want to turn back into the Hulk because I thought it was permanent, but the people needed him." So of course he did it. With only mild hesitation. "And then I was him for awhile until I crashed onto earth and the wizards found me."

Bruce had a way of just stating facts, quick and direct. Without a whole lot of emotions behind them, even though there were a lot of emotions on the inside. He was very good at suppressing them. "After you went away, I called Steve, and we all met at the headquarters. I figured maybe Princess Shuri could help us separate the stone from Vision, so we went to Wakanda. They attacked almost immediately. I put on Veronica, and we were doing okay, but then Thanos showed up." And that was the general thing. They didn't win. He beat them. "Wanda killed Vision, it was pretty horrible to watch. They were in love, but the stone had to be destroyed. But Thanos had this time warping ability." And that was where it all ended.

He had to pull away a little, arm still around Bruce's waist, watching him as he ran through what he'd experienced. The Hulk, the arena, everything and- oddly enough he's caught up on the expression on his face whenever he spoke about Thor. The stars in his eyes when he mentioned 142. It was similar, in shades, to the way he looked when he mentioned Betty. It didn't happen often back home, it was a sore point and Tony wanted them to be looking forward, building a better tomorrow. Creating a brighter future- and looking backward could help for inspiration but not for relationships. Even if he had to admit: Betty was pretty remarkable. Brilliant and beautiful. That wasn't what surprised him.

The same look when he spoke about Thor- well. Everyone had a thing about Thor, right? It was Thor. It was like a rule, a rite of passage. If you breathed you were into him. Right? Right.

"And the brought you to me." Because Bruce would know that he'd want to be involved. To fix things. To stop what was coming, the thing he'd been worried about, been trying to prepare everyone for since New York. Bruce must've met up with them at the compound to regroup so- Ross. Shit. And Rhodey protected Bruce from that, because he was a good friend, a good man and Vision would, of course, offer his life. One life versus half the universe. "...the time Stone. Doctor Strange- the wizard- he gave it up to have Thanos spare me."

Yes, Bruce had that look. It wasn't that different from how he looked at Tony when they first met, and still did, when they were in bed together or in the lab laughing. With Thor and 142, they were admired from a distance, far above him. He wouldn't note it as a crush, but it certainly might be on the infatuation line. They were so impressive. Powerful. Brilliant. He walked among gods. Since he lacked any kind of sexual push, or at least not since that little flutter with Nat, he wouldn't actually see them past these warrior gods.

But yes, everyone was into Thor. It was impossible not to be.

"You were the first thing I asked for. I didn't know you were retired." All he could think of was to reach out to the only person he could always count on. Bruce was terrified at the time. He gazed back at Tony's face, and plenty of that adoration was looking at him with deep brown eyes. He didn't try to hide it. Why would he? "I know you would have gotten involved anyway, but I'm sorry I brought it right to you, when you didn't have a choice." He'd looked so happy with Pepper. Moved on. Bruce had wrapped his arms around him and collapsed into the embrace, and everything felt okay. It was selfish.

He was intrigued by that. Strange was very clearly not a sentimental man. He said the stone was everything to them. "That's not what I'd expect." Bruce took Tony's free hand with his own, threading their fingers together, just because. "That's something I would do." Maybe he thought Tony being alive was necessary if they lost, to help pick up the pieces. "Maybe he had his own reasons."

Edited 2018-10-10 02:55 (UTC)

It's easier to recognize something when it's turned on someone else, anyone else. When Bruce looked at him it's just- the way Bruce looked at him. Warm and trusting and open. Not something he got from a lot of people. Not something he felt he earned from many and Bruce handed it over without blinking. It was...humbling to say the least. But to have it turned on someone else? Cause for teasing, gentle ribbing. The gentlest as he reached up to ruffle Bruce's close cropped hair.

No small part of him missed the curls, but it was a moot point.

"No it's- I'm glad you told them to get me. I thought- You went missing, I couldn't find you, I didn't know if you were dead or not. So- I thought you were dead. And that my damn cloaking tech helped kill you." It might not be better, but it was bearable. "It was the only way, he'd said. To beat him. I still- it didn't fit. I'm not worth half the universe."

Ugh, morbid. He shook his head, clinging to Bruce's hand. "Tell me more about Scrapper- 142?"

Bruce planned on growing it back out, because he hadn't chosen to get it cut in the first place. The slightly longer hair felt like him. There was a lot of what was going on in his life that he couldn't control, so he was going to go back to what was comfortable and familiar. He smiled when Tony ruffled his hair. "I don't think the hair suits me. It'll be gone soon." He very rarely considered the way he looked though. It was all about comfort. He was very average compared to his teammates, and that was okay with him. He preferred blending in.

"I'm sorry, I really am. If we hadn't gotten lost in space, I promise I would have reached out and let you know I was alive." Bruce was going to go into hiding no matter what. Perhaps they could have reeled him back in eventually, or found him and reminded him that it was going to be okay. But he'd been so afraid and ashamed. He got fooled into thinking he could be good. Nat and he bonded over that, their shared certainty that they were just playing at being heroes. "We almost killed you, Tony. He would have, he was so out of his mind." And yes, that was Wanda, but he wasn't going to hold her accountable. He almost killed the only person who cared about him. He would have never gotten over that.

"If he said it was the only way, maybe he was right. Maybe that will be the key when we go back." Weirder things had happened. They could still find hope, maybe.

Bruce instantly blushed again, hanging his head and putting his forehead on Tony's shoulder. "Oh, you know, my usual type of any gender, strong, beautiful, powerful, hilarious, incredibly far out of my league." He realized that he never actually mentioned his type. There was Betty. Then there was Nat. He was very casual about it though, like it was common knowledge. He would call it appreciation over real interest, because interest was off the table for him. He wasn't ready to think about how interest could be reality, if he found someone again. "It's not like that though. She was friends with the Hulk, and I think she and Thor have this crackling energy between them. I'm not ... I don't do that. It's admiration, that's all." He really was okay with that. "You would love her, she reminds me of you. Very chatty and personable. I think you'd have a quip off."

"And who did that to him?" He refused, absolutely, to lay that all at Hulk's feet. He didn't attack innocents. He didn't lash out unless he felt there was a threat. Wanda warped perceptions of reality- making Hulk feel threatened? A cakewalk. Things changed, sure, Wanda here wasn't the same woman that did that, sure. But some shit he wouldn't set down and forgive outright. Playing with someone's mind? Was on that list. But-

The woman here wasn't the same. And he didn't hold her half as accountable as he probably could. "You could've, you didn't. He didn't. Fuck- I can't believe Nat forced you to change afterward- I knew you came into the fight but I didn't know..."

Natasha hadn't said anything. But after what happened, how embroiled in self loathing Bruce had been? How traumatizing Johannesburg was?

Fuck.

There were a million brighter, better things to think about than that connection with Natasha that Tony hadn't noticed growing (what kind of shitty friend was he?), like. The Valkyrie and Thor. Tony reached up to pat the back of Bruce's head, dipping to kiss his hair. "She'd be lucky to have you."

Wait, what. Type of any gender? That- huh. Okay, he needed to recalibrate a few things in how he thought about Bruce. "Well if she ever shows up I'll just have to play wingman. I'm great at it."

"Wanda's a kid, and I know she's sorry for it. The Hulk's always been like that at his core. You all were good at aiming him in the right direction, but it was a matter of time." He came from anger and rage and hate. Bruce was really not sure how he lived his day to day life on that planet. He must have maintained his anger at all times, even when having a good time. Or maybe the truth was a part of Bruce didn't want to come out anymore. It was a mixed bag of possibilities.

"No, no, she was right. I was wrong. You needed the Hulk. It was my responsibility to end Ultron too." He remembered that moment when he thought he and Nat could actually walk away, and it was what he wanted. She kissed him and then pushed him, and he couldn't find it in him to be upset with her for it. "She wanted me, for some insane reason, but there was no future for us, I couldn't do that to her. It would've ended either way." The idea of making anyone else go on the run with him was not okay. In a moment of weakness, he wanted it, yes, he didn't want to be alone, he wanted to be loved. But eventually when they tried, and he couldn't be what she needed, they'd both regret it.

Bruce lifted his head and shook it quickly, basically whipping it at this point with his swift denial physical and vocal. "No, ha, no. Don't do that. It would be embarrassing. We're not ... I'm not ... She wouldn't ... it's not like that." He was flustered and shy thinking about it, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck, eyes dropping down. "I don't ... I haven't in over a decade. I wasn't able." Almost stammering at this point. "I don't even know if I remember how," that was a sort of joke, laughing anxiously. "No wing man. I'm fine." It wasn't necessarily a lack of interest, now that he could, he was a little horrified, because it meant he could, but wanted? Maybe. His insecurities would take a lot to surmount.

"...Right we're going to have to disagree on all of those points forever." And he'll quit bringing it up, which'll be easier now that Hulk's not, apparently, around anymore. It was difficult having friends that didn't like each other, normally- or at least he'd heard it was hard, but it was kind of a trip to have two of them that didn't get along when they shared the same body. But, again. Whatever. No longer a relevant point of conversation or debate. They had enough to worry about in the here and now, tabling that would be easier.

And simpler.

Even if the more Bruce waved off That Wanda (because whoever was in the village with them now wasn't that Wanda) and what she did the more it made him wonder if Bruce considered Tony's feelings on what was done to him valid or irrational or whatever but that was a spiral of messy, unproductive thought best nipped in the bud and shoved elsewhere. This Wanda? Pretty okay. From what little he knew of her as an abstract concept. Hard to get a read on someone when you went out of your way to avoid them. Maybe she was fine, who knew.

"Bruce. Buddy." Happier thoughts, happier prospects, like getting his good friend that's in desperate need of more affection and love than he's ever offered himself. "You're brilliant. And funny. And attractive."

Now that it had been brought to his attention, kind of hard to miss but- moot. "Find someone that'll take it slow with you. That's all. I don't think she'd give you a hard time about it. Bull hasn't given me any shit about being out of practice with men."

Bruce was always very good at waving off responsibility from other people and readily taking it into his own lap. Everyone else's feelings were valid, so it wouldn't occur to him to require anyone else to shrug off Wanda's actions, but for himself, it was on him. He really did suspect that what happened was inevitable. The Hulk was a wild card. No one could prepare for when one day he decided to stop listening. But he knew Tony didn't see it that way. It was kind, he gave them both the benefit of the doubt, but also frustrating, because he felt like they all got too complacent about the danger he represented.

That was done for now though. He almost brought up that Kira said sometimes powers came back, but decided not to; hopefully it simply wouldn't happen. A part of Bruce might be sad the Hulk was effectively dead, but he wasn't sad at all that he didn't have to fear for these people being around him.

He'd definitely prefer to talk about the Hulk than romance, because one he understood well, and the other was an impossibility. Bruce's face was hot and his ears were pink, and he was partly pleased, being teased over something so normal, and also unnerved since this was a new option for him. He just laughed at Tony saying he was attractive, shaking his head. "I'm pretty sure you are regularly ranked in those magazine most attractive people in the world things, so comparatively, I'm as average as a person could be. Which is fine! It's fine. I know I'm surrounded by super models, it doesn't bother me." Bruce preferred being overlooked.

"If I was living in some dream world where she'd look at Thor and then look at me and make that choice, it still would be asking a lot of someone who could have anyone. I tried to explain to Nat what a prize I wasn't, but ... it really doesn't matter. I've been okay all this time without." He was so much in his head about all of these things he'd probably need anxiety meds just to try and go on a date. There was no one else Bruce would talk about this with than Tony, who he knew wouldn't judge him, but also, yikes.

"Bull? Bull who? What?" Bruce was very perceptive ... except when he very much wasn't.

"Do you want me to list every way in which I or anyone else can find you attractive? Because I will." In a heartbeat. Without hesitation or any shade of shame. Of course that could make Bruce more rather than less self conscious and- that wasn't really the goal now, was it? "It doesn't mean you don't deserve to have someone to care about you as much as you care about them, Gummibear."

More than just him, more than Pepper and Rhodey, more than their odd little family. Every reason in the world to duck and hide and ignore every pain laid out before him and Bruce? Always tried to help. Stood up when it made him miserable, tried to fight and do good when he didn't need to. How could he be worthy of anything less?

"Oh. Uh, Iron Bull?" He blinked, shifting, trying to think of a way to put this since he'd thought Bruce had noticed. Clearly he'd been mistaken. "Big guy, grey skin, horns?"

Bruce paused, feeling a lot of things at the moment with no real leaning at the moment toward what was strongest. Anxiety and embarrassment, yes, but also he was glad it was being said out loud, even if it was uncomfortable. He never had anyone to talk about these things with. He was deeply skeptical of what Tony was saying, but his self-esteem had been low since childhood, something that Betty coaxed higher whenever she could. He couldn't deny that two beautiful women did for some reason find him attractive enough to want to be with. And they are smart, capable women.

"You don't have to say any of that," he murmured, hesitant. "I think you're biased and being kind." So Tony wasn't lying, but he also couldn't speak for other women and men. He was a good friend. Bruce paused again, thinking about it, turning the subject around in his head. "God, I didn't think about the fact I could now, without the Hulk getting in the middle. But I'm not sure, it seems really unimportant in the grand scheme of things. This hardly seems like the right situation to start a romance with anyone." Of course the man who planned on marrying the only woman he'd ever been with couldn't imagine sex without romance attached.

Bruce tilted his head at his friend, putting a reasonable distance between them since they were talking and Bruce was likely to just turtleshell into Tony's chest if he didn't. "Oh, yes, the horns, okay. What does he have to do with ---" Yes, he's a genius, shhh, but Bruce also has a tendency to ignore things. A powerful brain meant a powerful ability for denial. "You're not."

"Bruce when I first met you if it weren't for the world ending situation at hand and the knowledge that Pepper would be pissed I hadn't asked her first, I'd have probably kissed you. Or at least made three passes at you." Maybe five? Five felt more appropriate. The way he hunched in, the angle of his jaw, the disarrayed curls- there was a lot he found appealing in Bruce and time hadn't erased any of those traits. If anything proximity and exposure only made that awareness worse but- well. He'd put it at the back of his mind because Bruce didn't swing that way.

But he did.

And it wasn't relevant. It still wasn't relevant. But apparently his love life kind of was-

He brought it up, and the bitemark on his throat was kind of obvious. Sort of. "...Kind of am. Look- it doesn't mean anything. Sort of a return to form for me, meaningless sex to not cope with my issues."

Bruce glanced at his friend and a few things seemed to come into focus at that moment. What Tony said settled into his mind at the back of it, a very loud well echoing there. Now this, this he believed. He wondered what he would have done if Tony did back then, but then he also didn't wonder, because he knew. He knew then and he knew now. "You mean inviting me to live at the Tower wasn't one? Come live wth me and I'll give you shiny things is a pretty good pick up line." Humor was always the right route, and it was also the truth. They went from strangers to inseparable in a short time.

None of it mattered though, because Pepper mattered, and that was the important part. Bruce wasn't going to dwell on what ifs when boundaries were very clear and respected. Except now he was reframing again since Tony was sleeping with a strange man and Bruce's instant reaction was horror. Unfortunately for him, he was terrible at hiding his thoughts, his feelings, and since he was having so many of them at once, he wasn't sure where to start.

Whatever negativity he felt, he very quickly attempted to squash. This was Tony. Tony was allowed to do whatever he wanted. Tony needed to cope the way he coped. Who was Bruce to judge anyone on their choices? He couldn't judge and he couldn't be upset, they were all each other had, it was fine, everything was fine. "That's what chastity does, makes you miss all the signs." Struggling again for a joke. "I guess we should go to college rules, socks on doors." His skin was crawling and he wanted to make some distance, but that was not okay since they were okay and Tony needed him, but he was stiffer now.

"Not really, that was...giving you somewhere to crash. I can compartmentalize my attraction to people when I need to." And with Bruce? He'd needed to. The longer he'd thought about it (all of five minutes of truly deep thinking on the way to the lab while he recategorized their entire interaction and his observations accordingly) the more he'd been able to rationalize the offer as an extension of safety Bruce hand't had a chance to hold onto since the accident. Ross wouldn't act against Stark overtly and- it'd seemed like a good idea at the time. Nevermind how fucking Lonely Bruce had been.

Now, though, here on the porch with the weather starting to turn in the dead of night; he wasn't reconsidering his offer so much as wondering why the boundaries never changed- or why he never explained in full the delicate balance he and Pepper kept, the lines they drew, what he was and wasn't allowed to get away with.

He didn't miss the roil of- revulsion? Horror. Disappointment, probably because Pepper loved Bruce, Bruce loved Pepper and of course he'd have opinions. Delicately, tactfully Tony stretched his arms overhead, rolling his shoulders and popping his spine in such a way as to move a few inches away. Give Bruce the breathing room he desperately needed, wanted, but seemed to refuse to take in favor of pretending he wasn't bothered. "I don't bring him here, Bruce. You live here, that'd be fucking rude. So you won't have to worry about socks on a door knob."

"Wow, somewhere in the multiverse those people who used to gossip about us in the lab might be feeling a little smug and have no idea why." Saying that was so much easier than dealing with the fact Tony had said multiple times in the past few minutes that he was attracted to Bruce, and Bruce was inwardly drowning in all the things that did and didn't mean. There was a fine line between acknowledging your best friend is attractive and openly being attracted to him, a line Bruce had always managed to be on the proper side of. And was in danger of crossing.

Bruce felt like he could breathe again when Tony stretched his arms and gave him some much needed space, which he refused to take on his own because it was rude and unfriendly. He didn't flee entirely, which in any other situation is what would happen, but did take those few inches of personal space to situate himself. Still within easy grabbing distance, still in a sphere of space that other people would consider close, but not on top of each other. It was a relief while his brain churned over how he was thinking and feeling.

He was upset, he knew that much, and it made him angry at himself. That wasn't supportive. What would Pepper want him to do? "So you think you're regressing as a way to cope?" Tony was the one who said return to form, meaningless sex as coping. Bruce was just agreeing. It seemed like a more rational approach than the one his gut wanted him to go with.

Edited 2018-10-14 02:02 (UTC)

"Sometimes I need to not think. There are a handful of tried and true ways for me to manage it. Alcohol, which I'm trying not to lean on as a crutch here and even then it only slows me down instead of shutting my brain up entirely, opiates which I haven't touched in years and I'm avoiding until the rest of time. Been there, done that, learned better-" His crash and burn had been just as public as his recovery, timed well around the death of his parents. It made a wonderful narrative, let him tell you but- no. He didn't want to visit that particular demon again. "Weed, which is good here but also not something I want to lean on too much, other people have more baggage and need of it than me or-"

He shrugged, eyes on the night. It was easier to look out twoard the village than it was to face whatever quiet judgement Bruce was wrestling with at the moment. It'd be the same face Rhodey would give him too, he was sure of that much at least. A return to form, dipping back into terrible fucking habits but- he needed to not think, sometimes. Normally he could manage on his own or with Pepper or with work but this? Layers upon layers of shit to sift through and on occasion a soft reset was required.

"Mindblowing orgasms. Relief is brief but- it lasts long enough to settle me and again- pretty meaningless. Bull doesn't do romance and I'm not-" Pepper. Copper hair, golden laugh, spine of steel, brilliant and only ever afraid in the ways that left her sane and sensible, more capable than any woman he's ever known- "In a place where anything with meaning holds appeal. So it's a win win."

The less he heard about mindblowing orgasms the better at the moment. Bruce was willing himself at this point to only hear half of what was being said, it would help him be rational and useful. "Sex isn't meaningless, Tony. I know you're going to say it is, from your experience, that it's possible, but sex is complicated. There's the fact he's a stranger, you've known him what a few weeks, you can't possibly know how simple or complicated something is going to be with a person you only just met. Or how healthy and safe, you don't know him, he could be a psychopath or a bad guy in his world. People say all the time sex doesn't matter to them, until it does, or maybe it does matter to someone you know, or someone they know, and that person could show up here."

Bruce trusted very few people, and especially with the body and hearts of the people he cared about. He was paranoid at the best of times, and he didn't like unknowns stomping into carefully tread ground. Or unknowns taking advantage of traumatized grief stricken geniuses to get what they wanted out of it. "It's not like I want you to go get drunk or high all the time, but this isn't the lesser of all unhealthy coping mechanisms either."

He was miserable from top to bottom at the moment. He was speaking his mind because he wasn't a yes man, outside of when Tony really needed one, but it felt awful. "You think I don't understand needing distractions? I wish it was simple." He'd never had access to any of those vices. He couldn't drink or get high, he couldn't have sex. So Bruce was force to find other ways. "I'm sorry, I want to ... I want to be what you need, but I don't know what she would want for me to do here." Pepper had her head on straight, always. Would she be supportive? Would she be hurt? She was kind to him. She was a good reason he stayed on that line, that he never strayed across.

The reprimand, if anything, settled the tension winding up Tony's spine. It felt normal, somewhat expected, to disappoint someone he was close to. A return to form, another point in this being reality instead of some fucked up hallucination- too many things had been going, well. If not right, if not great, but going smoothly for him to be entirely comfortable. Maybe it was self sabotage, laying this out, but Bull wasn't about to pretend it wasn't happening and Tony wasn't big on shame. "People are entirely able to separate physical and emotional intimacy, Bruce. I am. Haven't had to for awhile-"

Since Pepper, since Afghanistan took him by the spine and shook him. "But I've shacked up with strangers I knew for less, I trusted less, for more or less the same reason."

To give his mind a break. To lose himself in sensation, ground himself, feel connected to someone, anyone, for a few hours. He didn't need it in the same way as before, not really, so perhaps he wasn't framing it properly. "It's not just- What, if anything, do you know about the bsdm scene? If he rolled up just for a ride I wouldn't have tagged in but- that wasn't what he was offering."

Or what he needed at the time.

"...I don't either, honestly. If she were here? She'd be handling it. She's not." And that was as much thought as he could comfortably put into the situation. She wasn't here. It didn't mean she was dead, it didn't mean he'd lost her she simply...wasn't here.

Bruce wasn't sure if disappointed was the right word. Disapproving, yes, uncomfortable, yes; it was still being framed. He knew he was in comparison naive. He saw this as much simpler than it needed to be. Tony was engaged. Tony wasn't supposed to sleep with strangers. It had barely been any time at all. "Just because you've done it before, doesn't mean you should do it again. Or there aren't consequences coming. He's a stranger, and this is a small community." He was glad he found out this way, as opposed to being side swiped by the information otherwise. He would react much worse to that.

His spine straightened and he shook his head very quickly. "No. No, no, I do not need details, I don't need to know anything about bdsm or the ... the parts of this that aren't my business." He thought if he had to hear any of them, he would get up and disappear for awhile. It was too much to ask of him right then. His stomach churned already knowing about it. A stranger touching Tony, no.

His denial sort of tipped him over the edge into an acceptable boundary. "This isn't my business. You don't have to answer to anyone, of all people not to me." How could he say he was attracted to Bruce and then to someone so vastly different? Bruce's type remained true. Attractive, powerful, hilarious. Not that he was dwelling on that, because of Pepper. "I'm sorry."

"What, should I walk around with a bright red A pinned to my chest, Goody Banner? Should I fear the town shunning me for having more than a few flaws?" He'd weathered worse, so much worse, back home and while half the appeal of this village was that he wasn't all that well known and most didn't care to judge- changing that wouldn't kill him. "Shame is for other people."

Guilt, though, he knew pretty damn well. And he'd upset Bruce and for that felt a little guilty. A lot. He hadn't known Tony the Trashfire. Only ever Tony the Settled and Well meaning, Tony the Hopelessly Enamored and Adoring. Maybe OG Tony and Bruce wouldn't have gotten along. Not that he meant to go full garbage fire, but still.

Dregs of it were unappetizing. That was entirely unsurprising.

"Answer, no, but you've got opinions so let me hear it. This is bothering you." He could quit, maybe? Ish. It wouldn't bother Bull, he's sure, and it won't bother him now that he was slightly less desperate for distraction but- every new day brought more questions and fewer answers. Maybe he was leaning on it a little hard but- the alternatives weren't all that ideal either.

Bruce was genuinely stricken at the Goody Banner comment; it reminded him of mocking from the past, and he knew he was odd, that he wasn't like normal people, he'd never been. Most people wouldn't be righteous over something like this, they would be more understanding. The truth was, OG Tony and Bruce probably would not have gotten along. It wasn't solely due to either of them being the way they were, shameless and callous or shuttered in and judgmental. They met at the right time, when both were trying to become become people. He owed Tony. He owed him so much and it framed them, his blind adoration of the other man.

Not so blind as to ignore his mixed feelings.

"Of course it bothers me, I care about Pepper. She was kind and understanding of me, if she'd show up here and be hurt, it should upset me. Not that it matters now, because it's already happened." There was no turning back. "And yes, it sucks that I came out here to support you, that I'm your partner and I try to be your rock without her here, and I feel like I'm failing in that right now because of divided loyalties." His loyalty was to Tony, and he'd never doubted that, but that was getting shaken. Bruce had a firm sense of what he thought was right and wrong.

"And he's a stranger, we don't know anything about him, I don't know anything about him. He just waltzes into your life a few weeks later, while you're still engaged, and that's fine with him?" Bruce inherently doesn't trust it. That seems like the kind of thing someone should be hesitant about, that they shouldn't be so cool with. He set his elbows down on his knees, shoulders slouching, rubbing hands on his face. "I know I'm a goody goody, and I've been celibate all these years, after only being with one person my whole life. I get it, I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm alone in the fact that if something did happen to us all that time ago, this would be devastating to me, and I shouldn't assume the same of Pepper. I don't know, it's so stupid, I am stupid."

"You're really not." Tony cocked his head to the side, brows lifted. "Support, sure, I need that, but calling my out on my shit is also something you do regularly. Doesn't make you a bad friend. It can be annoying in the moment but-"

He shrugged. It was what it was, their different life experiences and opinions didn't always line up. That was fine. Wrapping himself in similar ideals and constant approval wasn't really Tony's bag- he'd fallen into that hole when he was younger, bad times were had, lessons were learned. The guy that stood next to you no matter what but slapped you upside the head when you were being a dumbass? That guy was invaluable. And right now it was down to Banner who didn't normally handle shit on this particular field since- it hadn't been an issue in all the years he'd known him.

Happily monogamous had been a good word, a good look, a good life for Tony. Stepping out was a move done out of desperation for...something. Anything. "You're not failing at anything, Bruce. Kinda surprised you're not yelling at me for it- don't-"

Well shit. He reached over, hand settling on his back. "Don't turn this around into something to kick yourself for. It's not stupid, it's a difference in perspectives. And that was-uh. It was a literary reference? Though I don't think it applies since it's less crucible and more scarlet letter. So it was a muddled one."

And maybe he should've spent more time thinking of Pepper, of how she'd feel when, not if, she found out if she ever showed up. It's not the kind of thing he'd hide from her. He hadn't...really been thinking much at all.

"Rhodey's better at the tough love part. Trying to be three types of friends at the same time is not easy." Bruce was fairly good at his part of things, but it was an easy one in comparison. They kept their conflict to projects and bigger picture problems. Personal troubles were usually handled by someone else. He didn't have much to add in that area. His personal life was non-existent. For all of Tony's issues, that seemed to be something he was actually doing well at. Bumps on the road, yes, but he had a beautiful woman he respected and treated well.

"It feels like you're cheating on her. That's my perspective. That's how I would see it, if it were me." It wasn't him, and Pepper was capable of defending herself. She didn't actually need him to swoop in and try to defend her honor when she wasn't there. But someone had to at the same time. "I don't think being faithful only counts when the person still exists in your space. Being faithful counts when they're not, and you have opportunities, but you choose not to take them. I can't imagine Pepper doing this to you if the positions were reversed." Maybe he was putting her on a pedestal, or maybe Pepper struck him as someone who shared his values. He thought about Betty and his fidelity to her when he still believed they could make things work, but that was a choice, one she never asked of him or followed herself.

"If I haven't yelled at you about other things, I'm definitely not gong to yell at you about this." Ross was ten times more personal and offensive. Bruce relaxed when Tony touched him again. He wasn't that mad then. They could still be them. He snuck out a hand to steal Tony's own again, thumb gently running along his palm. "I worry sometimes, that if I bug you enough, you won't want me around anymore." It isn't a rational fear, but for someone like Bruce, who was used to being rejected and isolated, it was a very real concern. "I'm not giving you mindblowing orgasms or distracting you from bad things." He was replaceable.

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