sixthiterationlogs | Here's to my future, Here's to my yesterday

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Here's to my future, Here's to my yesterday

WHO: Tony Stark
WHERE: Village, Forge, Spring
WHEN: September 29th - October 7th
OPEN TO: Marked prompts are locked, ota marks are ota
WARNINGS: Swearing, descriptions of canon appropriate violence, recreational weed use

September 29th - [ Locked to Iron Bull, Kamala, Elena, Steve Rogers ]

He doesn't know why he thought it'd be a stroke of midnight kind of deal, a bibbity-bobbity-fuck-you' sort of thing but, well, he thought it'd be one moment of having a full, unscarred chest and all his youthful spring and a jolt before he went back to having a chest full of shrapnel scarring and shitty, shitty knees. A more gradual decline is- well. Probably less traumatic and more reasonable, thank you mysterious sciencey bullshit magic overlords, but no thank you, not really. By the time he makes his way to the Inn some of the grey hair's back, the ache in his shoulders from working the forge hard and long for the last two weeks, settling in, an odd hitch to his breathing he cant quite peg as being mostly normal until it wasn't. It's nothing, he's fine, this was expected, right? Right. Just means he takes a little bit longer to squint down at his notes while he eats lunch, stands up slow as his spine pops like a set of firecrackers when he clears out.

Work, predictably, slows down somewhat at the Forge. He can't hit as hard, as long, as he might've the day before- which is probably a sign shit is going down with his system but denial thy name is Tony 'Fuck You I Reject Your Reality And Substitute My Own' Stark. He's not going to give in to the fact the hammer feels heavier, drawing the wire feels more difficult, or that he's got a building migraine (Which he hadn't had for the past two weeks, what a fucking joy it's been). Nope. He's sweating, taking breaks, and denying that he should probably just. Take a day. One more hour? Maybe two.

End of the day- earlier than he's been clearing out for the last while- and he's resigned himself to taking maybe one or two days of just to recover. Admitting that yeah, he's back to how he was when he arrived, now (minus the hole Thanos gave him) at least to himself Tony's taking a not so long walk to the Fountain for a bucket to shut down the forge- leaving it to burn attended for that Long? Asking for trouble. It's not the walk to the Fountain. It's not dropping the bucket in and filling it, it's hauling it up that hits him hardest. He manages- barely, to get it up to the lip before that hitch he's had all day doubles down and locks in with, oh, right, he's missing parts of his lungs and shit- and he's forgotten how to breathe through it. Tony slumps against the ledge, hand pressed to his chest, eyes squeezed shut as he tries and fails to get any actual air in his mangled lungs.

October 1 - 7th OTA

Two days of weren't exactly enough after pushing so hard for so long and letting it all catch up to him- Tony'll never admit it, not in a million years, but he's...taking it easy. Handling theoretical work for the time being. Which means research at the School House, or hiking all the way over to the Mill to see what he's working with RE getting some kind of analog power set up- or making a hydroelectric power a more consistent kind of deal. He'd been by before but now? It's less pacing and measuring, more sitting, listening to the wheel work, and letting his mind wander. It's actually kind of peaceful.

The hooka of weed probably doesn't hurt much either, but joint pain is joint pain and self medicating is something he's got a history of. As long as he's tucked up in the mill he's not likely to expose Pete or Kamala to the terrible habit. Theoretical Engineering under the influence has always led to some interesting (only somewhat implausible) ideas. Couldn't hurt.

Most nights he makes the trek out to the Springs- only once measuring a flattish area for changing stalls or whatever before giving up on it for the time being. His stuff's packed up somewhere safe (in a zebra print bag that use to be a snuggie, tied to a tree) He's got a canteen of water and a few peaches to gnaw on. Might as well double dip on bullshit accelerated healing assistants.

Later still, when he can't sleep, when he can't work due to lack of light or lack of energy he sits on the porch of House 34 staring out into the night, mug of tea at his elbow. Quiet. Contemplative like he normally isn't, hands twisting and turning a length of delicate chain between his fingers as he wills himself into exhaustion- or at the very least attempts to do so.

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"Bruce when I first met you if it weren't for the world ending situation at hand and the knowledge that Pepper would be pissed I hadn't asked her first, I'd have probably kissed you. Or at least made three passes at you." Maybe five? Five felt more appropriate. The way he hunched in, the angle of his jaw, the disarrayed curls- there was a lot he found appealing in Bruce and time hadn't erased any of those traits. If anything proximity and exposure only made that awareness worse but- well. He'd put it at the back of his mind because Bruce didn't swing that way.

But he did.

And it wasn't relevant. It still wasn't relevant. But apparently his love life kind of was-

He brought it up, and the bitemark on his throat was kind of obvious. Sort of. "...Kind of am. Look- it doesn't mean anything. Sort of a return to form for me, meaningless sex to not cope with my issues."

Bruce glanced at his friend and a few things seemed to come into focus at that moment. What Tony said settled into his mind at the back of it, a very loud well echoing there. Now this, this he believed. He wondered what he would have done if Tony did back then, but then he also didn't wonder, because he knew. He knew then and he knew now. "You mean inviting me to live at the Tower wasn't one? Come live wth me and I'll give you shiny things is a pretty good pick up line." Humor was always the right route, and it was also the truth. They went from strangers to inseparable in a short time.

None of it mattered though, because Pepper mattered, and that was the important part. Bruce wasn't going to dwell on what ifs when boundaries were very clear and respected. Except now he was reframing again since Tony was sleeping with a strange man and Bruce's instant reaction was horror. Unfortunately for him, he was terrible at hiding his thoughts, his feelings, and since he was having so many of them at once, he wasn't sure where to start.

Whatever negativity he felt, he very quickly attempted to squash. This was Tony. Tony was allowed to do whatever he wanted. Tony needed to cope the way he coped. Who was Bruce to judge anyone on their choices? He couldn't judge and he couldn't be upset, they were all each other had, it was fine, everything was fine. "That's what chastity does, makes you miss all the signs." Struggling again for a joke. "I guess we should go to college rules, socks on doors." His skin was crawling and he wanted to make some distance, but that was not okay since they were okay and Tony needed him, but he was stiffer now.

"Not really, that was...giving you somewhere to crash. I can compartmentalize my attraction to people when I need to." And with Bruce? He'd needed to. The longer he'd thought about it (all of five minutes of truly deep thinking on the way to the lab while he recategorized their entire interaction and his observations accordingly) the more he'd been able to rationalize the offer as an extension of safety Bruce hand't had a chance to hold onto since the accident. Ross wouldn't act against Stark overtly and- it'd seemed like a good idea at the time. Nevermind how fucking Lonely Bruce had been.

Now, though, here on the porch with the weather starting to turn in the dead of night; he wasn't reconsidering his offer so much as wondering why the boundaries never changed- or why he never explained in full the delicate balance he and Pepper kept, the lines they drew, what he was and wasn't allowed to get away with.

He didn't miss the roil of- revulsion? Horror. Disappointment, probably because Pepper loved Bruce, Bruce loved Pepper and of course he'd have opinions. Delicately, tactfully Tony stretched his arms overhead, rolling his shoulders and popping his spine in such a way as to move a few inches away. Give Bruce the breathing room he desperately needed, wanted, but seemed to refuse to take in favor of pretending he wasn't bothered. "I don't bring him here, Bruce. You live here, that'd be fucking rude. So you won't have to worry about socks on a door knob."

"Wow, somewhere in the multiverse those people who used to gossip about us in the lab might be feeling a little smug and have no idea why." Saying that was so much easier than dealing with the fact Tony had said multiple times in the past few minutes that he was attracted to Bruce, and Bruce was inwardly drowning in all the things that did and didn't mean. There was a fine line between acknowledging your best friend is attractive and openly being attracted to him, a line Bruce had always managed to be on the proper side of. And was in danger of crossing.

Bruce felt like he could breathe again when Tony stretched his arms and gave him some much needed space, which he refused to take on his own because it was rude and unfriendly. He didn't flee entirely, which in any other situation is what would happen, but did take those few inches of personal space to situate himself. Still within easy grabbing distance, still in a sphere of space that other people would consider close, but not on top of each other. It was a relief while his brain churned over how he was thinking and feeling.

He was upset, he knew that much, and it made him angry at himself. That wasn't supportive. What would Pepper want him to do? "So you think you're regressing as a way to cope?" Tony was the one who said return to form, meaningless sex as coping. Bruce was just agreeing. It seemed like a more rational approach than the one his gut wanted him to go with.

Edited 2018-10-14 02:02 (UTC)

"Sometimes I need to not think. There are a handful of tried and true ways for me to manage it. Alcohol, which I'm trying not to lean on as a crutch here and even then it only slows me down instead of shutting my brain up entirely, opiates which I haven't touched in years and I'm avoiding until the rest of time. Been there, done that, learned better-" His crash and burn had been just as public as his recovery, timed well around the death of his parents. It made a wonderful narrative, let him tell you but- no. He didn't want to visit that particular demon again. "Weed, which is good here but also not something I want to lean on too much, other people have more baggage and need of it than me or-"

He shrugged, eyes on the night. It was easier to look out twoard the village than it was to face whatever quiet judgement Bruce was wrestling with at the moment. It'd be the same face Rhodey would give him too, he was sure of that much at least. A return to form, dipping back into terrible fucking habits but- he needed to not think, sometimes. Normally he could manage on his own or with Pepper or with work but this? Layers upon layers of shit to sift through and on occasion a soft reset was required.

"Mindblowing orgasms. Relief is brief but- it lasts long enough to settle me and again- pretty meaningless. Bull doesn't do romance and I'm not-" Pepper. Copper hair, golden laugh, spine of steel, brilliant and only ever afraid in the ways that left her sane and sensible, more capable than any woman he's ever known- "In a place where anything with meaning holds appeal. So it's a win win."

The less he heard about mindblowing orgasms the better at the moment. Bruce was willing himself at this point to only hear half of what was being said, it would help him be rational and useful. "Sex isn't meaningless, Tony. I know you're going to say it is, from your experience, that it's possible, but sex is complicated. There's the fact he's a stranger, you've known him what a few weeks, you can't possibly know how simple or complicated something is going to be with a person you only just met. Or how healthy and safe, you don't know him, he could be a psychopath or a bad guy in his world. People say all the time sex doesn't matter to them, until it does, or maybe it does matter to someone you know, or someone they know, and that person could show up here."

Bruce trusted very few people, and especially with the body and hearts of the people he cared about. He was paranoid at the best of times, and he didn't like unknowns stomping into carefully tread ground. Or unknowns taking advantage of traumatized grief stricken geniuses to get what they wanted out of it. "It's not like I want you to go get drunk or high all the time, but this isn't the lesser of all unhealthy coping mechanisms either."

He was miserable from top to bottom at the moment. He was speaking his mind because he wasn't a yes man, outside of when Tony really needed one, but it felt awful. "You think I don't understand needing distractions? I wish it was simple." He'd never had access to any of those vices. He couldn't drink or get high, he couldn't have sex. So Bruce was force to find other ways. "I'm sorry, I want to ... I want to be what you need, but I don't know what she would want for me to do here." Pepper had her head on straight, always. Would she be supportive? Would she be hurt? She was kind to him. She was a good reason he stayed on that line, that he never strayed across.

The reprimand, if anything, settled the tension winding up Tony's spine. It felt normal, somewhat expected, to disappoint someone he was close to. A return to form, another point in this being reality instead of some fucked up hallucination- too many things had been going, well. If not right, if not great, but going smoothly for him to be entirely comfortable. Maybe it was self sabotage, laying this out, but Bull wasn't about to pretend it wasn't happening and Tony wasn't big on shame. "People are entirely able to separate physical and emotional intimacy, Bruce. I am. Haven't had to for awhile-"

Since Pepper, since Afghanistan took him by the spine and shook him. "But I've shacked up with strangers I knew for less, I trusted less, for more or less the same reason."

To give his mind a break. To lose himself in sensation, ground himself, feel connected to someone, anyone, for a few hours. He didn't need it in the same way as before, not really, so perhaps he wasn't framing it properly. "It's not just- What, if anything, do you know about the bsdm scene? If he rolled up just for a ride I wouldn't have tagged in but- that wasn't what he was offering."

Or what he needed at the time.

"...I don't either, honestly. If she were here? She'd be handling it. She's not." And that was as much thought as he could comfortably put into the situation. She wasn't here. It didn't mean she was dead, it didn't mean he'd lost her she simply...wasn't here.

Bruce wasn't sure if disappointed was the right word. Disapproving, yes, uncomfortable, yes; it was still being framed. He knew he was in comparison naive. He saw this as much simpler than it needed to be. Tony was engaged. Tony wasn't supposed to sleep with strangers. It had barely been any time at all. "Just because you've done it before, doesn't mean you should do it again. Or there aren't consequences coming. He's a stranger, and this is a small community." He was glad he found out this way, as opposed to being side swiped by the information otherwise. He would react much worse to that.

His spine straightened and he shook his head very quickly. "No. No, no, I do not need details, I don't need to know anything about bdsm or the ... the parts of this that aren't my business." He thought if he had to hear any of them, he would get up and disappear for awhile. It was too much to ask of him right then. His stomach churned already knowing about it. A stranger touching Tony, no.

His denial sort of tipped him over the edge into an acceptable boundary. "This isn't my business. You don't have to answer to anyone, of all people not to me." How could he say he was attracted to Bruce and then to someone so vastly different? Bruce's type remained true. Attractive, powerful, hilarious. Not that he was dwelling on that, because of Pepper. "I'm sorry."

"What, should I walk around with a bright red A pinned to my chest, Goody Banner? Should I fear the town shunning me for having more than a few flaws?" He'd weathered worse, so much worse, back home and while half the appeal of this village was that he wasn't all that well known and most didn't care to judge- changing that wouldn't kill him. "Shame is for other people."

Guilt, though, he knew pretty damn well. And he'd upset Bruce and for that felt a little guilty. A lot. He hadn't known Tony the Trashfire. Only ever Tony the Settled and Well meaning, Tony the Hopelessly Enamored and Adoring. Maybe OG Tony and Bruce wouldn't have gotten along. Not that he meant to go full garbage fire, but still.

Dregs of it were unappetizing. That was entirely unsurprising.

"Answer, no, but you've got opinions so let me hear it. This is bothering you." He could quit, maybe? Ish. It wouldn't bother Bull, he's sure, and it won't bother him now that he was slightly less desperate for distraction but- every new day brought more questions and fewer answers. Maybe he was leaning on it a little hard but- the alternatives weren't all that ideal either.

Bruce was genuinely stricken at the Goody Banner comment; it reminded him of mocking from the past, and he knew he was odd, that he wasn't like normal people, he'd never been. Most people wouldn't be righteous over something like this, they would be more understanding. The truth was, OG Tony and Bruce probably would not have gotten along. It wasn't solely due to either of them being the way they were, shameless and callous or shuttered in and judgmental. They met at the right time, when both were trying to become become people. He owed Tony. He owed him so much and it framed them, his blind adoration of the other man.

Not so blind as to ignore his mixed feelings.

"Of course it bothers me, I care about Pepper. She was kind and understanding of me, if she'd show up here and be hurt, it should upset me. Not that it matters now, because it's already happened." There was no turning back. "And yes, it sucks that I came out here to support you, that I'm your partner and I try to be your rock without her here, and I feel like I'm failing in that right now because of divided loyalties." His loyalty was to Tony, and he'd never doubted that, but that was getting shaken. Bruce had a firm sense of what he thought was right and wrong.

"And he's a stranger, we don't know anything about him, I don't know anything about him. He just waltzes into your life a few weeks later, while you're still engaged, and that's fine with him?" Bruce inherently doesn't trust it. That seems like the kind of thing someone should be hesitant about, that they shouldn't be so cool with. He set his elbows down on his knees, shoulders slouching, rubbing hands on his face. "I know I'm a goody goody, and I've been celibate all these years, after only being with one person my whole life. I get it, I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm alone in the fact that if something did happen to us all that time ago, this would be devastating to me, and I shouldn't assume the same of Pepper. I don't know, it's so stupid, I am stupid."

"You're really not." Tony cocked his head to the side, brows lifted. "Support, sure, I need that, but calling my out on my shit is also something you do regularly. Doesn't make you a bad friend. It can be annoying in the moment but-"

He shrugged. It was what it was, their different life experiences and opinions didn't always line up. That was fine. Wrapping himself in similar ideals and constant approval wasn't really Tony's bag- he'd fallen into that hole when he was younger, bad times were had, lessons were learned. The guy that stood next to you no matter what but slapped you upside the head when you were being a dumbass? That guy was invaluable. And right now it was down to Banner who didn't normally handle shit on this particular field since- it hadn't been an issue in all the years he'd known him.

Happily monogamous had been a good word, a good look, a good life for Tony. Stepping out was a move done out of desperation for...something. Anything. "You're not failing at anything, Bruce. Kinda surprised you're not yelling at me for it- don't-"

Well shit. He reached over, hand settling on his back. "Don't turn this around into something to kick yourself for. It's not stupid, it's a difference in perspectives. And that was-uh. It was a literary reference? Though I don't think it applies since it's less crucible and more scarlet letter. So it was a muddled one."

And maybe he should've spent more time thinking of Pepper, of how she'd feel when, not if, she found out if she ever showed up. It's not the kind of thing he'd hide from her. He hadn't...really been thinking much at all.

"Rhodey's better at the tough love part. Trying to be three types of friends at the same time is not easy." Bruce was fairly good at his part of things, but it was an easy one in comparison. They kept their conflict to projects and bigger picture problems. Personal troubles were usually handled by someone else. He didn't have much to add in that area. His personal life was non-existent. For all of Tony's issues, that seemed to be something he was actually doing well at. Bumps on the road, yes, but he had a beautiful woman he respected and treated well.

"It feels like you're cheating on her. That's my perspective. That's how I would see it, if it were me." It wasn't him, and Pepper was capable of defending herself. She didn't actually need him to swoop in and try to defend her honor when she wasn't there. But someone had to at the same time. "I don't think being faithful only counts when the person still exists in your space. Being faithful counts when they're not, and you have opportunities, but you choose not to take them. I can't imagine Pepper doing this to you if the positions were reversed." Maybe he was putting her on a pedestal, or maybe Pepper struck him as someone who shared his values. He thought about Betty and his fidelity to her when he still believed they could make things work, but that was a choice, one she never asked of him or followed herself.

"If I haven't yelled at you about other things, I'm definitely not gong to yell at you about this." Ross was ten times more personal and offensive. Bruce relaxed when Tony touched him again. He wasn't that mad then. They could still be them. He snuck out a hand to steal Tony's own again, thumb gently running along his palm. "I worry sometimes, that if I bug you enough, you won't want me around anymore." It isn't a rational fear, but for someone like Bruce, who was used to being rejected and isolated, it was a very real concern. "I'm not giving you mindblowing orgasms or distracting you from bad things." He was replaceable.

"I'm not asking you to. Just be you. I only ever need you to be you." Trying to pull double or triple duty as his support network was asking for a migraine, a burnout, and an emotional implosion simultaneously. All things Bruce was more or less due- and more or less able to have now that he didn't need to worry about managing The Other Guy. He could get angry. He could lash out- it might even be healthy for him to but-

Turning it all inward? Only twisted Tony's gut. He- made a bad call, probably. Taking it back wouldn't change what happened and he knew himself well enough to know that he...probably won't quit if the system keeps working.

It doesn't mean anything. It was an easily obtained chemical cocktail to unwind him managed in the simplest way possible. "It's complicated." The Stark Default response when shit in fact was complicated- but also when they didn't feel like unpacking the hows or whys or depths of their motivation. Some lessons from Howard stuck. Two words for an hour's worth of explanation. "She might not but- I wouldn't discourage it. Jealousy isn't a thing for me."

Not in the same way it was for other people. Did he feel it? Sure. Did he let it devour him? No, it gave way to the rationalization that he didn't deserve her and it was due to come around eventually anyway- so. "But that doesn't necessarily mean it wouldn't be a thing for her. Bull's not on the exclusive short list of allowed deviations."

Mostly because Pepper didn't know him or know of him, he was't a thing back home. An argument could be made, maybe, but- he'd stepped out of bounds here. "You can though, is the thing. Get emphatic. Get upset. You're able to if you need to- about this or anything else. Arguments get loud but you and I both now we'll work it out. I mean- you didn't walk away from me over Ross. I think we're rock solid." In so many ways. He squeezed Bruce's hand back, huffing quietly. "Bruce- you're my friend. I don't have many of those. You don't need to give me orgasms or distract me from my own brain. You don't need to worry about me getting sick of you."

Bruce was regularly on the precipice of a mental or existential breakdown. This place didn't help that. It gave him more things to question and be curious, about the nature of who they are, what they may be. For the first time he was Bruce Banner again, sans dangerous side, and unfortunately baggage and anxieties didn't go away. Worrying about being enough for other people was part of the package. He had nothing else to offer anyone but his mind and friendship, and only one of those things he was good at.

"Jealousy is a thing for me. To a lesser extent than how it works for other people. Betty's married, and I'm happy for her, but I'm jealous of the life he gets to have with her. If Nat finds love, I'll feel the same way, even if we were never really anything. Happy and sad at the same time." It came more from loss than anything, from regret and what he might have had but didn't deserve. He is slightly amused. "Of course you had a list. That's what couples do now, right? We joked about ours all those years ago, Steve was on hers, how awkward would that be now?" That was when Steve was dead as far as they knew, so it was a joke list. Neither of them would ever stray.

Bruce frowns at Tony, using his free hand to run fingers through his hair affectionately. "It sounds like you want me to be angry at you. Is that what you want? Someone to yell at you?" He was going to worry about people getting sick of him no matter what, it was how his brain worked. There was no cure to low self-esteem. "I'm not a yeller. I don't like any of this. It upsets me. I think I've explained parts of why. I think you're doing the wrong thing. But you're a grown man who is going to do what you want, and I'm a grown man who will have to suck it up." It was simple in that way. Bruce would put it out of his mind. Out of sight out of mind. "Just warn me if I'm going to be kicked out of our bed any time soon. I can sleep in the schoolhouse." Yep it was their bed. No sense in pretending otherwise.

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Here's to my future, Here's to my yesterday

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