sixthiterationlogs | 🍂 autumn fades

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🍂 autumn fades

WHO: Jon Snow
WHERE: 6I village, at Lucrezia’s Home
WHEN: 26 October
OPEN TO: All
WARNINGS: tbd

Jon had made a habit of going to see Lucrezia daily when he went to visit his family and when he didn’t see her for two days running, his heart sank like a stone. It wasn’t like her to be out often; she usually kept close to her home or to the inn and to not see her at all for two days meant that surely she must have gone.

The evening of the second day confirmed his suspicions completely. Her cat mewled and yowled, wandering about the steps and of Lucrezia’s porch seemingly in search of his mistress. It took Jon a moment to actually get the cat to come close to him but once he coaxed it near, he gathered him up into his arms.

“Barnabus,” Jon said quietly. “I fear she’s gone and left us both. No amount of looking is going to bring her back to us, all right?”

When Ygritte had disappeared, Jon had searched for her in the woods for days and only when he’d exhausted every hollow and dale that he had declared her truly gone. When Arya had gone, he‘d done similar.

Now, though, he simply felt hollow and empty. He’d lost another person he had cared for in this place and there was no telling who might be next. Would it be his Lord Father? Would it be his sisters? His brother? Lyanna? Jon hoped not.

Armful of cat, he walked past the home his family lived in and down the road toward the inn. Possibly there was a bit of milk or something he might be able to give the cat so it would stop yowling for the time being.

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She was seated outside the inn, working on her usual project of sharpening the arrows and repairing the bows that were in need of it. It was more comfortable to remain outside, reminding her of the chilled afternoons of Winterfell. It had been so long since she had seen snow or felt the cold air, she would likely remain outdoors longer than she should, if only to enjoy the afternoons a bit longer.

Jon earned a fond smile as he approached. "I wondered where you were." The cat gave her momentary pause, surprised to see him with such a small creature in his arms. "Did that come in a package for you today?"

Jon shook his head. The cat had come to him in a less cheerful way, unfortunately, but he hoped Lyanna would welcome it into their house; he thought Lucrezia might like to know that he'd taken Barnabus in.

"No, one of my friends seems to have left him behind." It was soft, slightly wounded, and he set the cat down to its feet before crossing over toward Lyanna. Barnabus seemed of a mind to follow.

"I found him in her house today."

She hadn't heard very much about this friend of his, but could guess what she meant to him. It went without comment, uncertain if it was her place to pry into such things, even if she was his mother.

She paused in her work, setting her bow aside as she reached out to pet Barnabas. "He needs a home then?" He was tiny, small enough that he could get lost if not properly cared for. "Is he a good mouser? We might need a mouser when the weather gets colder."

He was grieving, she could sense as much, as every loss hit the village hard. "Were you close to her?"

"Aye, he's pretty good at that. I was thinking to bring him home with us if you didn't mind it."

It didn't seem that Lyanna did mind it, though, so Jon felt like it might be all right. At her question, though, he sobered a little bit. He had been close to Lucrezia though the feelings he had were complex and only beginning to bloom.

"I'd begun to be, yes. I don't...I don't think I'm meant to be with anyone. I lose people."

"No, I don't mind. It gets quiet in the house at night. It would be a good idea to have an animal with us, a mouser or just a lazy cat." She could at least spend the pent up energy she had for nurturing on the animal without needing to trouble Jon. She reached and ran her fingers along the kitten's side, the yellow fur shifting to a gold under the sunlight. "He seems gentle. He should accept the change in housing pretty well."

She didn't know what to say to that at first, still uncertain with what Jon would accept from her and feeling angry at everyone and no one. The situation was becoming more difficult, not helped by the flares of jealousy she suffered. Seeing him like this now, it only reminded her how inadequate she was for the place of his mother.

Picking at her torn nail, she glanced at the scenery around them, pulling her thoughts together. "Not everyone is lucky enough to keep and be with the person they love. It might hurt to lose them, but it's better than never feeling anything at all." She paused before adding, "Even if she is gone now, she could come back and if she doesn't, you're not alone. You have a number of people who love you."

"I know. I am loved by my family," Jon said. He didn't want Lyanna to think he didn't appreciate that, especially while they shared a home together and had a chance to get to know one another in a way the gods hadn't allowed back in Westeros.

"I simply...I am lonely, Lyanna. I've had a chance to love a woman and I've mourned her and buried her. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, you know? I want to know love again."

"I know, I understand, Jon." She met his eyes, a similar pain reflected back at him. "I wish I could say when and how such a thing will come about for you, but I know it will. You were close to this woman. You are not incapable of experiencing affection again. It will happen."

She ran her thumb along the side of the bow, a splinter catching in her skin. She flinched, bringing it closer to her eyes for inspection. "You have a life to return to. Whether it is here or there, you will find someone to share your life with."

Tugging the splinter from her thumb, she blew gently on the tender skin. "You shouldn't shut yourself off, not as I have."

"You don't think you can love anyone else?"

It was a sad thing, for someone so young. Lyanna was younger than him by a few years, closer to Arya's age than his own, and the idea that she might close herself off from being married to anyone ever again was a sad thing. She'd birthed a child for Rhaegar Targaryen, yes, but had she loved him with so much of her heart that there was no room for anyone else at all?

"I don't want to love anyone else." Whether or not she was able to didn't matter. While she was still young, there was nothing beyond this village, and what was more important to her, there was no one beyond Rhaegar. She loved him with all of the intensity of a woman who had never loved before. There had only been him in her life and she would be content for their only to be him.

"No one will measure up in the same way. He was unlike anyone I've ever met."

Jon gave her a soft, sad little smile. "You're young yet, Lyanna. I know that doesn't mean much to say and I don't doubt that you love him. Honestly, it makes me feel better that you do love him so much. I would hate to know that you'd been forced or that it hadn't been real - but people change, I think."

He paused for a moment. "Then again, I don't think Lord Stark is ever going to love anyone but Catelyn."

"I made a vow that I was his until the end of my days. Those days haven't ended yet, not even in Westeros." They were close, but she wouldn't have to face that until she returned. "So long as I am alive, that vow stands. It would be dishonorable of me to break it. I know I am young, but I know my heart and it is still his."

She nodded, "Ned takes vows as seriously as I do."

"But even a vow of marriage ends when one party dies," Jon said. "Don't lords and ladies remarry? Not that I would want you to remarry unless you truly wanted to. I just...I think it's not such a good thing to close yourself off forever."

He paused for a moment. "The woman I loved died and I held her in my arms while she did. I don't think I'm blocked off from never wanting anyone again."

"Perhaps for some, but I don't consider my vow nullified, even with Rhaegar's death. I know that many consider it foolish to remain fixed on one person, but I love him still. It might last the rest of my life or it might not. Until the day my heart is tested, I'm content to remain devoted to him. Love is very beautiful, even the memory of it is enough. I think I could be happy with only that."

She nodded, "Nor should you be. Not everyone is the same and I wouldn't want you to live as I do, even if it is enough for me. You should be happy and find someone to care for you the way you deserve."

Jon set his mouth in a firm line for a moment and wondered just what it was about Rhaegar Targaryen that was so special that she'd devote herself to that vow even after death. It wasn't something that was normal, really, even if his lord father hadn't pursued anyone here without his lady wife present.

"I haven't had good luck with women. I think for the moment I should focus on my family, since I have plenty of that here in this place and most of our family has been lost to me."

Whether he understood it or not, she wasn't ready to entertain the idea of moving on. She was still young and loved Rhaegar with the intensity of a first passion. Even if a day came that she might consider the idea, was it even a wise idea? She had seen others brought in one month only to leave the next. She knew what waited for her at home. It was better to surround herself with family and friends rather than seek something she could never keep.

"Yes, you have been fortunate to have Ned and his children with you." It was said softly. "I have been considering exploring more of the villages. There is the one beyond the canyon. I found a house there I thought about claiming."

"Claiming a house of your own, you mean?" This was something that Jon was a little unsure about. He and Lyanna had been sharing a house since her arrival. She'd arrived shortly after Ygritte had disappeared and he'd grown used to having her presence around.

"Across the canyon is fairly far from the rest of us, though. Are you certain about that?"

She wasn't completely certain, but perhaps it would be easier for both her heart and for the child she didn't know well. Everything had been weighing heavily on her. With no clear answer, flight and distance had seemed the better answer, but she couldn't say whether it was best or not.

"I wonder if it would help? I know this has been difficult and I don't wish to force my presence on you or in your life. I don't have that right."

"I never said you were forcing me," Jon said, frowning even deeper. "It's just going to take time. I'm not going to think of you as my mother after an entire life of thinking someone else was - it's difficult. It doesn't mean I don't want to try."

Having her leave made him feel like he was losing her in some strange way and Jon didn't want that. "Only leave if you truly desire to, Lyanna. Not because you think I want it."

"I know that, but it's difficult even knowing that. When I carried you, I felt as if we were connected. After every dark moment and every painful bit of news, I had you with me and it felt as if I were drawing strength from you. You were a part of me, a part of my heart. In coming here and seeing you grown, I have missed so much. It makes me feel...empty."

She shook her head, toying with the bow in her hands. "I don't know what I want or what will make it better. I thought distance might help heal some of that, but I don't know."

"Well, I don't want to be away from you," Jon said. He didn't know exactly what to say or do to ease her concerns; all he could do was be himself and hope that it would be enough.

"I want to have a relationship with you, Lyanna. It's just difficult when we're of an age - when you're of an age with my younger sister, honestly - to have a traditional one. I do want to try, though."

It would always be enough, even if her concerns and fears manifested, even when she didn't want them to. This was a strange place that rattled her outside of the age gap and apparent disregard for time. She still had yet to find her way in the village, let alone in her son's life.

"I'm glad." Just hearing that was comforting to her. There was a place for her with him, that meant more than anything else. "All I want is to try and know you better, to at least have some sort of relationship with you. I know Ned is important to you, but I hope that I can be as well."

"You will be," Jon assured her. "You already are, in some ways, and as I get to know you better we'll only grow closer."

He paused for a moment and gave her a soft smile. "You already mean a lot to me, Lyanna. I never want you to forget that."

It eased her heart to hear that and without a word, she reached out for him and wrapped her arms around Jon. She could never explain how precious he was to her, but she could try to show him in the days that followed.

She would make the effort to become closer to him.

"I do care about you, Lyanna," Jon said firmly. "And it is a fierce thing, how much I care, and I can only imagine it will grow as we get to know one another. I don't give my heart away easily. I get hurt too much, I lose too much. Forgive me if I don't have the feelings toward you that you have toward me right away."

He squeezed her tight, keeping her close. "But you are my family and I care about my family."

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🍂 autumn fades

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