sixthiterationlogs | 🍂 autumn fades

WHO: Jon Snow
WHERE: 6I village, at Lucrezia’s Home
WHEN: 26 October
OPEN TO: All
WARNINGS: tbd

Jon had made a habit of going to see Lucrezia daily when he went to visit his family and when he didn’t see her for two days running, his heart sank like a stone. It wasn’t like her to be out often; she usually kept close to her home or to the inn and to not see her at all for two days meant that surely she must have gone.

The evening of the second day confirmed his suspicions completely. Her cat mewled and yowled, wandering about the steps and of Lucrezia’s porch seemingly in search of his mistress. It took Jon a moment to actually get the cat to come close to him but once he coaxed it near, he gathered him up into his arms.

“Barnabus,” Jon said quietly. “I fear she’s gone and left us both. No amount of looking is going to bring her back to us, all right?”

When Ygritte had disappeared, Jon had searched for her in the woods for days and only when he’d exhausted every hollow and dale that he had declared her truly gone. When Arya had gone, he‘d done similar.

Now, though, he simply felt hollow and empty. He’d lost another person he had cared for in this place and there was no telling who might be next. Would it be his Lord Father? Would it be his sisters? His brother? Lyanna? Jon hoped not.

Armful of cat, he walked past the home his family lived in and down the road toward the inn. Possibly there was a bit of milk or something he might be able to give the cat so it would stop yowling for the time being.

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Jon gave her a soft, sad little smile. "You're young yet, Lyanna. I know that doesn't mean much to say and I don't doubt that you love him. Honestly, it makes me feel better that you do love him so much. I would hate to know that you'd been forced or that it hadn't been real - but people change, I think."

He paused for a moment. "Then again, I don't think Lord Stark is ever going to love anyone but Catelyn."

"I made a vow that I was his until the end of my days. Those days haven't ended yet, not even in Westeros." They were close, but she wouldn't have to face that until she returned. "So long as I am alive, that vow stands. It would be dishonorable of me to break it. I know I am young, but I know my heart and it is still his."

She nodded, "Ned takes vows as seriously as I do."

"But even a vow of marriage ends when one party dies," Jon said. "Don't lords and ladies remarry? Not that I would want you to remarry unless you truly wanted to. I just...I think it's not such a good thing to close yourself off forever."

He paused for a moment. "The woman I loved died and I held her in my arms while she did. I don't think I'm blocked off from never wanting anyone again."

"Perhaps for some, but I don't consider my vow nullified, even with Rhaegar's death. I know that many consider it foolish to remain fixed on one person, but I love him still. It might last the rest of my life or it might not. Until the day my heart is tested, I'm content to remain devoted to him. Love is very beautiful, even the memory of it is enough. I think I could be happy with only that."

She nodded, "Nor should you be. Not everyone is the same and I wouldn't want you to live as I do, even if it is enough for me. You should be happy and find someone to care for you the way you deserve."

Jon set his mouth in a firm line for a moment and wondered just what it was about Rhaegar Targaryen that was so special that she'd devote herself to that vow even after death. It wasn't something that was normal, really, even if his lord father hadn't pursued anyone here without his lady wife present.

"I haven't had good luck with women. I think for the moment I should focus on my family, since I have plenty of that here in this place and most of our family has been lost to me."

Whether he understood it or not, she wasn't ready to entertain the idea of moving on. She was still young and loved Rhaegar with the intensity of a first passion. Even if a day came that she might consider the idea, was it even a wise idea? She had seen others brought in one month only to leave the next. She knew what waited for her at home. It was better to surround herself with family and friends rather than seek something she could never keep.

"Yes, you have been fortunate to have Ned and his children with you." It was said softly. "I have been considering exploring more of the villages. There is the one beyond the canyon. I found a house there I thought about claiming."

"Claiming a house of your own, you mean?" This was something that Jon was a little unsure about. He and Lyanna had been sharing a house since her arrival. She'd arrived shortly after Ygritte had disappeared and he'd grown used to having her presence around.

"Across the canyon is fairly far from the rest of us, though. Are you certain about that?"

She wasn't completely certain, but perhaps it would be easier for both her heart and for the child she didn't know well. Everything had been weighing heavily on her. With no clear answer, flight and distance had seemed the better answer, but she couldn't say whether it was best or not.

"I wonder if it would help? I know this has been difficult and I don't wish to force my presence on you or in your life. I don't have that right."

"I never said you were forcing me," Jon said, frowning even deeper. "It's just going to take time. I'm not going to think of you as my mother after an entire life of thinking someone else was - it's difficult. It doesn't mean I don't want to try."

Having her leave made him feel like he was losing her in some strange way and Jon didn't want that. "Only leave if you truly desire to, Lyanna. Not because you think I want it."

"I know that, but it's difficult even knowing that. When I carried you, I felt as if we were connected. After every dark moment and every painful bit of news, I had you with me and it felt as if I were drawing strength from you. You were a part of me, a part of my heart. In coming here and seeing you grown, I have missed so much. It makes me feel...empty."

She shook her head, toying with the bow in her hands. "I don't know what I want or what will make it better. I thought distance might help heal some of that, but I don't know."

"Well, I don't want to be away from you," Jon said. He didn't know exactly what to say or do to ease her concerns; all he could do was be himself and hope that it would be enough.

"I want to have a relationship with you, Lyanna. It's just difficult when we're of an age - when you're of an age with my younger sister, honestly - to have a traditional one. I do want to try, though."

It would always be enough, even if her concerns and fears manifested, even when she didn't want them to. This was a strange place that rattled her outside of the age gap and apparent disregard for time. She still had yet to find her way in the village, let alone in her son's life.

"I'm glad." Just hearing that was comforting to her. There was a place for her with him, that meant more than anything else. "All I want is to try and know you better, to at least have some sort of relationship with you. I know Ned is important to you, but I hope that I can be as well."

"You will be," Jon assured her. "You already are, in some ways, and as I get to know you better we'll only grow closer."

He paused for a moment and gave her a soft smile. "You already mean a lot to me, Lyanna. I never want you to forget that."

It eased her heart to hear that and without a word, she reached out for him and wrapped her arms around Jon. She could never explain how precious he was to her, but she could try to show him in the days that followed.

She would make the effort to become closer to him.

"I do care about you, Lyanna," Jon said firmly. "And it is a fierce thing, how much I care, and I can only imagine it will grow as we get to know one another. I don't give my heart away easily. I get hurt too much, I lose too much. Forgive me if I don't have the feelings toward you that you have toward me right away."

He squeezed her tight, keeping her close. "But you are my family and I care about my family."

🍂 autumn fades

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