sixthiterationlogs | what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

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what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

WHO: Ravi Chakrabarti
WHERE: Under a delicious tree (an evil, delicious tree)
WHEN: October 17th
OPEN TO: All!
WARNINGS: Ferrets, mischief, swearing

There is a ferret currently pawing at a sweater vest near one of the trees on the outskirts of town.

This isn't a sentence that Ravi would've ever assembled prior to this place, and yet, now it feels commonplace. If he weren't currently in a little ferret body, he might even feel compelled to squeak about how this place is awful. No. Wait, squeaking is for right now, which is what he's doing. It's all that bloody apple's fault for looking so green and perfect, and if someone's going to change you into a ferret after a few bites, he thinks he ought to be warned.

Of course, right now, maybe his priorities are a little off. First, there had been the immediate 'oh, fuck, I'm a ferret', and yet, after that, Ravi didn't think about switching back instantly. No, instead, he's far more concerned about the fact that he'd been wearing one of his best shirts and sweater vests and they're currently all in a pile where someone might step on them or, worse, might take them for their own. That won't do.

This is how there's come to be a tiny little angry Ravi-ferret pawing and clawing at the sweater vest to try and figure out a way to drag it with him back to his and Major's place. No opposable thumbs rule out hands, which means that teeth are next. That is, teeth are next until heavy footsteps and a looming shadow above him makes Ravi realize just how small he is and just how much he currently detests that stupid apple for making him like this.

What if it's permanent? What if he has rabies?

What if their dog eats him?

Letting out a panicked and angry squeak, Ravi clambers to protect his clothes ever the more, while simultaneously hiding behind one of his boots in case he ends up accidentally pelted by an over-eager kick.

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He hates everything in the world. Shimmying and squirreling (ferretting?) his way back to the ground, Ravi manages to fumbles around until he gets a stick, managing to drag it between his little paws (and when he's back to normal, he'll be fully willing to admit how utterly adorable they were), and beginning to write 'RAVI'.

Well, he starts. He gets lazy around the first line of the 'V' and then gives Helen a pointed look as he stands right beside the markings, hoping that she'll understand them.

"Oh, dear God. How'd you manage to get turned into a ferret, Ravi?" It was quite possibly one of the strangest things she'd ever encountered in her life (which took doing, mind) but Helen had enough wherewithal and experience in strange matters not to laugh. Instead, she tapped her mouth lightly and thought her way through this, speaking aloud for Ravi's benefit.

"So you're a ferret. It happened where I found you in the woods? Shake your head if yes."

Oh, thank god, she knows who he is. Relief floods his little rodent face and he'd actually collapse with happy weeping if it weren't for the fact that he's not sure how to get out of this. Scrambling over to the fruit, he rolls it over to show her, having a brief idea. Maybe if he eats the fruit again, he'll change back.

He stares up at Helen and nods, very pointedly, yes. He's eyeing the fruit because there's a part of him that's wary about eating it, because what happens if he turns into something worse, like a rat or a possum or some kind of ugly dog or a Scientologist?

"Well, if you think I'm going to try it, you have another thing coming. I read Alice Through the Looking Glass and I have no desire to become your furry mate. I think the best thing to do is to just try it again yourself," Helen suggested.

"What goes up must come down and in the absence of vials that say Drink Me, that fruit is probably the closest thing to a lead that we have."

He wrinkles his nose and gives her a look that says no, he doesn't want her to look at it, but that he's asking advice. This is all very difficult and honestly, Ravi's not sure there is a common form of communication they can use. So, instead of being safe and clever and thoughtful, he's an idiot who decides to take a giant bite into the apple again.

Apparently, he's lucky enough to not get turned into a cockroach, but being a sudden naked man in the middle of a cold settlement? Not so fun either. "That is the last time I eat my five a day," he complains sharply, reaching desperately with 'give it here' wiggling fingers at his clothes.

"I have to say, as adorable as you were as a wee furry thing, I'm very glad you've managed to become yourself again." Helen handed over his clothes, eyes flicking over him in an appraising glance. No injuries, that she could see, and he was handsome as ever; it appeared that no irreparable harm had been done.

"So it happened when you bit into that fruit? That's very Garden of Eden, isn't it?"

Ravi is quick to find his pants and get back into them, both because of embarrassment, but it's also not even close to warm enough to be strolling around in the nude. "I'm serious, I don't even think I'm trusting Mark right now," he says, as if all the fruits and vegetables in the land are somehow overseen by Mark and he's allowed this to happen.

"Sorcery and witchcraft and things that shouldn't exist," he grumbles, his poor scientific mind hating all of this, yanking his button-down on haphazardly. "Let's burn the fruit."

“I’ll burn this particular piece,” Helen said, looking at the offending bit that had turned Ravi temporarily into a member of the genus Rodentia, but I am not going to burn all of Mark’s crops. Aside from the ire I would incur from my roommate, I wouldn’t want to limit our food stores when winter is coming.”

Still, Ravi had a good point and they needed to find out which fruit was poisoned and which wasn’t. “Where did you find this fruit?”

Ravi makes a face, mainly because fine, she does sound like she's being logical and normal about it, but that doesn't mean he has to like it. Wrinkling his nose, he looks at the fruit, then at Helen, suspecting that she's not going to particularly enjoy the answer.

"It was sort of just lying around and I thought..." He thought he'd eat something off the nature floor. Maybe this place is eroding his common sense, or maybe he's just hungry all the time now.

"Well, most scientific discoveries are made by just trying something. I think penicillin came about exactly like that," Helen said. She cannot even laugh, considering she'd dosed herself with vampire Source Blood without so much as testing it on another person or creature. In hindsight, it'd been more ethical to test it on herself but it had still been a stupid decision. She could have very easily died. All that said (or unsaid, as the case was), she couldn't judge Ravi too harshly for his decision.

"We should probably warn the others, though, if they come across something that Mark didn't plant or pick."

"Did you want apple-magic-ferret-makers to be your contribution to science?" he asks, his sarcasm laid on the words so thickly that he might actually choke on them if he's not careful, but he's not feeling so pleased after turning into a ferret and now being left half-naked to fumble back into his clothes.

"Unless Mark did do this, in which case, he is hiding a dark side underneath that friendly handsome Martian exterior," he says knowingly. "No one else has been complaining about strange fruit?"

"I've not run into anyone else who's mentioned the fruit," Helen admitted. "And as to my contributions to science, I feel confident in saying that apples turning men into ferrets will be a footnote in my lauded career."

She reached for his hand and tugged him close. "Come now, Ravi, don't be cross. Can I make it up to you?"

"We can start by getting out of the public eye," he says, because he honestly doesn't like this whole business where he's partially dressed and feeling like he still has little furs in his mouth, quite honestly. It's disturbing, to say the least, and he's not entirely sure he likes it.

"I mean, something decent to eat that doesn't transform me into a woodland creature wouldn't hurt, either," he allows.

"I'm certain we can find something safe to eat. If it makes you feel better, I'm willing to try it first to ensure you won't change back into a weasel," Helen assured him. She hardly wanted him to end up shapeshifting again and while she was all for experimentation, one could tire of it easily. She imagined Ravi had reached his threshold.

"To the Inn, you think? That's probably the safest bet, after we get you dressed."

"But then, what happens if you do? I mean, I'm not really looking forward to communal weaseling," he admits. He would, though, because he's that sort of man that he thinks he'd willfully become a ferret or a weasel or any type of rodent if it meant allowing Helen to have some company.

Even if it's sort of a nightmare scenario. "The Inn," he agrees, "and we should check that Mark knows about the evil fruit lurking in his midst."

"I'm certain it's not Mark's doing," Helen said, laughing lightly. "He doesn't seem the sort to be prone toward joke horticulture." Their roommate is quite serious, actually, and one of the best assets to the village. Helen shuddered to think what might come of them if he disappeared and she tried her best to glean as much as she could from his farming techniques. It might well serve to save their lives someday.

"But if there's a way to differentiate it, Mark will know. It's his bailiwick."

Ravi had never even contemplated joke horticulture until now, but given the look on his face, he clearly has no love for whatever that might be defined as. He's grumpy, to say the least, but he's trying not to blame anyone but himself.

Trouble is, he's terrible at coping with things that are his own fault. "I should get the microscope and slides from the clinic," he admits, because they might need them. "Seeing as I'm not really too sure an apple can radiate bad vibes, because if it did, I absolutely wouldn't have eaten it."

"You may be on to something, genuinely," Helen said. "There may be something different at the microscopic level that can't be seen with the naked eye and it's worth knowing. Now, I don't know the purpose of such a thing aside from annoying us all but it might be useful to know if the crops have been affected somehow."

She hoped that the idea of a project would distract him somewhat and pull him from his cross mood. If not, it was still worth knowing.

"I'm fairly sure that the whole purpose was for someone's entertainment," is Ravi's deadpanned comment, seeing as he can only imagine that whoever is behind these little experiments may currently be rolling around on the ground with hysterics at Ravi's temporary stint as a ferret. To be fair, if it hadn't happened to him, he might be in a similar situation.

"I feel furry still, and like I need the world's most scalding shower. Barring that, your strongest lye," he requests. "Please tell me that you have something that will scrubs the rodent off."

"I have soap I made out of mint. It might do the trick for you," Helen said, giving him an assessing look. "I feel like I should point out, as your girlfriend, that I don't want you using pure lye on your skin. I happen to like the way you look."

And didn't, at this juncture, want his skin to come peeling off in an impressive series of chemical burns.

"Fine, I won't burn away my features," he grumbles, like that's an actual hardship instead of really good advice, but right now, he still tastes funny. "Let's go get some mint soap and whatever I can use to rinse out of my mouth. It feels woodlandy," he complains, as if that's actually a thing that can happen despite him not even eating anything.

"Trust me, the last thing you need right now is me kissing you. This is not a good time for romance," he gripes.

Helen tried not to laugh and managed to hide it behind her hand. While she could certainly sympathize with Ravi's situation it was a bit funny, from the outside, and his reaction even more so. "Well, yes, let's get you into a bath and feeling human again. Mint soap and lots of towels, you think? I can bring you my finest."

Helen usually used lavender for her own purposes but she thought that might contribute to woodland versus eradicate it. "Then we can see about getting something to eat that won't alter our species."

"You could also join me," Ravi offers, trying to sound casual about it, but maybe he's just after whatever little perks he can get after spending so long being furry and decidedly not human, not to mention feeling like he's a laughingstock for someone's benefit. Somewhere, behind a curtain, he thinks the Wizard is laughing.

Well, Ravi will show him. He's not entirely sure how, but he will, somehow. "If this becomes a widespread epidemic, I hate to say it, but I will be a bit thrilled for a new disease to study, even if I have a personal grudge against it."

"As will I," Helen said. New things were few and far between here - at least new things that directly pertained to her own field of study. There'd been no real Abnormal sightings since the wendigo several months ago and she could only get so much joy from gathering herbs and making bandages. As to his invitation, well. Helen had intended on inviting herself anyway so to have it spelled out elicited a pleased little smile.

"I'd be thrilled to join you. I want to ensure every single part of you has been returned to your correct genus and species."

"That is both a turn on and disturbing, which makes perfect sense for my life," Ravi admits, because honestly, why would that ever be any different now that he's here and dealing with ferret bits instead of zombie ones? It's all the same in the end, right? "Let's go to yours, the last thing I need is explaining any of this to Major," he says with a grimace.

"That man has a terrible habit of sniffing out when something odd has happened and getting himself involved," he says darkly, not pleased about how often this happens.

what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

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