sixthiterationlogs | what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

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what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

WHO: Ravi Chakrabarti
WHERE: Under a delicious tree (an evil, delicious tree)
WHEN: October 17th
OPEN TO: All!
WARNINGS: Ferrets, mischief, swearing

There is a ferret currently pawing at a sweater vest near one of the trees on the outskirts of town.

This isn't a sentence that Ravi would've ever assembled prior to this place, and yet, now it feels commonplace. If he weren't currently in a little ferret body, he might even feel compelled to squeak about how this place is awful. No. Wait, squeaking is for right now, which is what he's doing. It's all that bloody apple's fault for looking so green and perfect, and if someone's going to change you into a ferret after a few bites, he thinks he ought to be warned.

Of course, right now, maybe his priorities are a little off. First, there had been the immediate 'oh, fuck, I'm a ferret', and yet, after that, Ravi didn't think about switching back instantly. No, instead, he's far more concerned about the fact that he'd been wearing one of his best shirts and sweater vests and they're currently all in a pile where someone might step on them or, worse, might take them for their own. That won't do.

This is how there's come to be a tiny little angry Ravi-ferret pawing and clawing at the sweater vest to try and figure out a way to drag it with him back to his and Major's place. No opposable thumbs rule out hands, which means that teeth are next. That is, teeth are next until heavy footsteps and a looming shadow above him makes Ravi realize just how small he is and just how much he currently detests that stupid apple for making him like this.

What if it's permanent? What if he has rabies?

What if their dog eats him?

Letting out a panicked and angry squeak, Ravi clambers to protect his clothes ever the more, while simultaneously hiding behind one of his boots in case he ends up accidentally pelted by an over-eager kick.

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The fact that I realize the ferret has written a word and isn't in the midst of some kind of seizure is pure chance — I was definitely getting more worried about the possibility of a rabies outbreak and was looking to hie my happy ass away from potential infection as quickly as possible. My eye just happened to drop to the lines scratched in the ground, and realized they were too orderly to be random.

Which is how I am now standing here swinging my attention back and forth from Ravi's name in the dirt to the ferret that wrote it there like if I look at one or the other one more time, what I'm seeing might change or disappear.

But of course it doesn't, because we're in a place that makes no god damned sense.

I sigh, frowning. "What the fuck did you do?"

"What the fuck are you doing," he sighs, allowing this much after all the fucking hassle of dancing around the woodland path with a ferret. The what the fuck just prompts another sigh, anything on his foot is entirely too far away for him to possibly read.

He really needs to stop leaving his glasses at home, considering his situation.

Kira gives a shooing kick to the ferret to make room to sit down, crossing his legs in his lap and tugging his foot up to examine. It's a pretty clear message from there, but he just--doesn't want to do this. Putting his head down in his hands, he barely peeks at the little animal through his fingers. "Please tell me you're just especially sentient and not actually Ravi."

Oh, thank god, she knows who he is. Relief floods his little rodent face and he'd actually collapse with happy weeping if it weren't for the fact that he's not sure how to get out of this. Scrambling over to the fruit, he rolls it over to show her, having a brief idea. Maybe if he eats the fruit again, he'll change back.

He stares up at Helen and nods, very pointedly, yes. He's eyeing the fruit because there's a part of him that's wary about eating it, because what happens if he turns into something worse, like a rat or a possum or some kind of ugly dog or a Scientologist?

To be fair, the jelly Taako's thinking of it semi-intelligent, or at least able to squelch itself around trying to eat people. This is because Taako's reality is bonkers.

He tilts his head in something approaching honest sympathy at the fairly effective ferret communication. "Sorry, my dude, I'm totes unmagical right now or I could probably have you back. If I could conjure up shit I'd have blasted my way the fuck out already. Good news is if it's anything like the polymorph variations I know, it'll probably wear out."

Why is it always that he's done something wrong? Ravi would like to protest on behalf of his virtue that this is definitely not his fault, because anyone who comes across a delicious piece of fruit in the woods should...probably not eat it, actually, given the track record of this place, so maybe this one is actually on him.

Giving a ferret-like little whine, he wanders back over to said fruit and rolls it with his nose as he scampers back to Mark, like he's showing the offending item and hoping that maybe in addition to surviving on Mars, Mark might know what to do in this particular situation?

"Well, if you think I'm going to try it, you have another thing coming. I read Alice Through the Looking Glass and I have no desire to become your furry mate. I think the best thing to do is to just try it again yourself," Helen suggested.

"What goes up must come down and in the absence of vials that say Drink Me, that fruit is probably the closest thing to a lead that we have."

He hopes that the responding glare is enough of an answer because he'd really hate to have to bite Kira as a result of any of this. Instead of biting, he just sort of scampers onto Kira's boot and stares sort of adorably up at him, like that's going to help with any of this. Once he does that, he heads over to the offending fruit, scooping it in order to roll it over, nudging it to try and story-tell and show that this is the culprit.

Hopefully Kira doesn't just think that Ravi is providing food for him because he's really not. He does not require a ferret buddy, not now.

"Jesus," he intones, voice squeezed by circumstance to a dry husk of why the fuck is this happening to me.

Ravi ate an apple and turned into a ferret. That's what he's being expected ti believe. "Okay, fine," he says, deciding this is actually a dream and actually not his fucking problem. "Let's go see Mark." Getting up, he scoops the ferret up in one hand and the apple in the other.

"Only you would wind up in this mess."

Why? Why is his luck doomed to be so awful? Ravi tries to nudge the fruit around, but his weird lanky long body isn't anywhere like his normally weird, lanky, long body, and he's struggling to get it. Eventually, though, he pushes it and manages to make a bunch of ferrety-babbling sounds with his little mouth, trying to get across 'I took a bite of this and now I'm a ferret, should I eat more? Or should I wait this out?'

Do you feed a fever and starve a ferret-conversion? They don't cover this in the Homemaker's Guide.

He wrinkles his nose and gives her a look that says no, he doesn't want her to look at it, but that he's asking advice. This is all very difficult and honestly, Ravi's not sure there is a common form of communication they can use. So, instead of being safe and clever and thoughtful, he's an idiot who decides to take a giant bite into the apple again.

Apparently, he's lucky enough to not get turned into a cockroach, but being a sudden naked man in the middle of a cold settlement? Not so fun either. "That is the last time I eat my five a day," he complains sharply, reaching desperately with 'give it here' wiggling fingers at his clothes.

He's wondering if Mark has some secret skill in the occult and that's why they're going to him, because otherwise, he's bound to just get glared at in double-time, which isn't something that Ravi has ever wanted to do. Huffing out with disapproval, he tries to scramble to get the apple and hold it between his paws.

What he doesn't know is that it looks adorable. If he did know that, he'd probably just end up sulking and look even more adorable. Still, it's his cursed apple and he's holding onto it, even as he burrows into Kira's forearm.

"What do you want me to do," he asks, somewhat immune to the charms of this ridiculous situation. "I'm not eating that thing, I'm not kissing you to see if you poof back into a Call of Duty obsessed prince." He isn't sure Mark can do anything either, but Mark can at least be made of aware of apples that turn people into ferrets.

"I get it, you were eating the apple when it happened. I don't know what Mark can do either, but he at least needs to know this happens." Kira kind of wishes he didn't, that he could hand it off to Mark and have his memory erased MIB style. "He also doesn't have any pets to fuck with you, which my house is full of."

Also, no Major means no mocking, but the possibility of Helen means that there could be some relationship embarrassment involved that Ravi's not entirely prepared to endure. Still, as he cuddles up with the apple, he gives Kira a sad little look because he doesn't want to be a ferret and even as much as he wants to, he doesn't think taking a bite out of the apple here and now is a good idea.

Sure, it might work. But then, he'd end up naked and in Kira's arms, and that's just a line of this friendship that Ravi isn't prepared to endure. Giving a ferret-like harrumph, he accepts his new fate in going to see Mark.

There are only so many things an involuntary ferret would need to talk about urgently. He gets the gist. "Food curse, natch. Classic for a reason." Given he used to be quite guilty of mixing magic and cooking himself... Well, no, he's not going to hold his tongue, because he's never bothered with being fair. "If I could cast a fucking cantrip right now I could probably take a look at it for yah, but like I said, not much of a wizard right now. I mean, prolly don't touch it? I've heard of the antidote being on the other side, but that'd be some bullshit to actually enchant that precisely. You get donkey cabbages way more often, and I don't see another one of these around."

"I have to say, as adorable as you were as a wee furry thing, I'm very glad you've managed to become yourself again." Helen handed over his clothes, eyes flicking over him in an appraising glance. No injuries, that she could see, and he was handsome as ever; it appeared that no irreparable harm had been done.

"So it happened when you bit into that fruit? That's very Garden of Eden, isn't it?"

No, nothing is natch about this, Ravi would like to argue that particular point, but seeing as his mouth won't let him babble as rapidly as he'd like, he has to settle for a narrow little glare that he hopes the other man takes as the insult it is. He doesn't know what a cantrip is, he doesn't know why an apple has been enchanted, but all he knows is that he wants to go back to normal.

When he's being told not to touch it, Ravi gives him a disbelieving look and tries to kick the damn fruit, but it just makes him flop over onto his little ferret back, not used to how long his stupid body is.

Ravi is quick to find his pants and get back into them, both because of embarrassment, but it's also not even close to warm enough to be strolling around in the nude. "I'm serious, I don't even think I'm trusting Mark right now," he says, as if all the fruits and vegetables in the land are somehow overseen by Mark and he's allowed this to happen.

"Sorcery and witchcraft and things that shouldn't exist," he grumbles, his poor scientific mind hating all of this, yanking his button-down on haphazardly. "Let's burn the fruit."

“I’ll burn this particular piece,” Helen said, looking at the offending bit that had turned Ravi temporarily into a member of the genus Rodentia, but I am not going to burn all of Mark’s crops. Aside from the ire I would incur from my roommate, I wouldn’t want to limit our food stores when winter is coming.”

Still, Ravi had a good point and they needed to find out which fruit was poisoned and which wasn’t. “Where did you find this fruit?”

A ferret glaring just looks like a ferret, but the awkward flailing against the offending plant matter communicates the mood pretty well in its own turn. Taako takes a moment for a completely undisguised snort--there's no reason to pretend a clutzy ferret isn't hilarious--then shrugs. "Sorry, punkin, but I've never heard of beating up the imbued object being a decent way to get rid of a curse. Magical shit resists destruction through normal means. It's a whole boring-ass class."

Ravi makes a face, mainly because fine, she does sound like she's being logical and normal about it, but that doesn't mean he has to like it. Wrinkling his nose, he looks at the fruit, then at Helen, suspecting that she's not going to particularly enjoy the answer.

"It was sort of just lying around and I thought..." He thought he'd eat something off the nature floor. Maybe this place is eroding his common sense, or maybe he's just hungry all the time now.

Well, now he's just annoyed that he's a ferret and he's being called pet names, which is adding insult to injury to this whole business. Ravi is officially having one of the worst days he's ever had since he turned up in this hellhole and he wonders if the sulking is showing, because he is sulking and how.

Standing in front of the weird man, Ravi stares at him with a 'so then, what do we do?' look, but he figures a little shoe gnawing ought to help with that.

"Well, most scientific discoveries are made by just trying something. I think penicillin came about exactly like that," Helen said. She cannot even laugh, considering she'd dosed herself with vampire Source Blood without so much as testing it on another person or creature. In hindsight, it'd been more ethical to test it on herself but it had still been a stupid decision. She could have very easily died. All that said (or unsaid, as the case was), she couldn't judge Ravi too harshly for his decision.

"We should probably warn the others, though, if they come across something that Mark didn't plant or pick."

Taako's use of pet names is more a verbal tic than anything else. Sometimes punkin means his beloved apprentice, and sometimes it means the gerblin he's about to magic missle into mist and gristle.

He's not defensive of the shoes, though. They're such an abomination of form and function he can't imagine ferret teeth making it worse. "Look, from my admittedly limited observations, whatever's going on around here seems more like a series of trials than anything else. I am a fucking expert at being locked in a box and tormented for the amusement of twisted skullfuckers, thanks, and they get real bored real fast. Chances are good you can wait it out. In the meantime, uh, watch out for feet and salmonella."

"Yeah, I'm not going to touch that," I say with a nod to the apple, which has a single, almost artfully-placed bite out of one side. I really shouldn't laugh; this isn't a laughing matter, especially to Ravi, who was probably just hungry and opportunitistic. But I can't help it.

"You're like a furry Snow White," I say, and reach into my back pocket, where I'd stuffed a rag that morning. You never know when one might come in handy, like when you happen across your friend turned into a ferret and need to handle a possibly-poisoned piece of fruit. I cover the apple with the rag, wrap it carefully and stick it in my pocket.

"If you want a ride back to the lab, you better come on," I say as I reach to fetch the pile of clothes.

"Did you want apple-magic-ferret-makers to be your contribution to science?" he asks, his sarcasm laid on the words so thickly that he might actually choke on them if he's not careful, but he's not feeling so pleased after turning into a ferret and now being left half-naked to fumble back into his clothes.

"Unless Mark did do this, in which case, he is hiding a dark side underneath that friendly handsome Martian exterior," he says knowingly. "No one else has been complaining about strange fruit?"

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