sixthiterationlogs | Nida, With A Shiny White Band

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Nida, With A Shiny White Band - Open and Closed Prompts

WHO: Nida
WHERE: (Where the post takes place)
WHEN: February 5th - 15th, Closed Mingle on February 9th
OPEN TO: OTA, one Closed Post for now
WARNINGS: Possible Mentions of Self-Harm

OTA - Dojo - Taking Over

He was asleep when it happened. Somewhere in the night of the fourth the change happened, a screen that made no sense, the band on the device at his wrist turning white. OF course as it was one of those rare nights lately where Nida had gotten some sleep, he hadn't noticed. Instead, when he'd woken up he'd just found himself... moving. He couldn't stand being still anymore, not with all these people who needed a bit of something to keep them moving after those visions. He skipped breakfast that morning ~~not a mistake he'd make another day~~ and headed over to the empty dojo.

Most of his days are spent in the dojo for the next chunk of days. When he's not actively out talking to others, trying to serve as a support network, he's in the dojo from just before sun up to just after sunset. Sometimes he's sitting on a chair, a knife working over a piece of wood as he cut out the general shape of some practice daggers. Other times he limps ~~damn him for spraining his ankle, it wasn't what he'd meant to do~~ around the edges of the mats to check for any tears or splits he needs to repair. Still other times he regards the empty spaces, mind already building up the ways he can make this place better.

And always, always he calls out a bit cheerfully if someone enters while he's there. Because this space, he has resolved, will welcome all comers. No matter what.

OTA - Around South Village - A Little Luck

You can't always be at the dojo.

Nida had stared at Seifer when he had been told that. Clearly it was not true. Clearly he was more than capable of doing just that. But... Well, he got the point. Being holed up in two places isn't much better than being holed up in one.

So a bit of time every day, usually around the lunch hours, were spent with Nida wandering the village. There were rounds to be made, friends to be found, help to be supplied. And, whenever there was a chance of skin to skin contact, a hand reaching out to touch. Not like people here couldn't use a bit of extra luck.

Closed Mingle - Because You Miss Them - Closed to Seifer, Rinoa, Sam, Billy, Tommy

The boxes show up that morning, just sitting in the kitchen when Nida hobbles in at an ungodly hour. He moves immediately to grab a kitchen knife to cut the first one open. Despite his name being on it, it's full of yarn. He smiles and shakes his head, moving that one aside because he can talk to the others about it later. The next is a larger box, but strangely light for its size. With another few cuts he finds himself pulling out a wok. What in the world could that be...

Somehow he knows what the last box will be. With a quick cut it's open and he starts unloading ingredients into the fridge. Curry. Seems like he had the answer he needed for when and what to cook.

A quick message goes out to the others over the network. He doesn't care how early it is.

Hey nerds, dinner at my house tonight. Red Lamb Curry. Eat at six, come by earlier if you want to help cook. Someone please help cook, I don't want to mess this up.

[OOC: Please see first comment for Mingle, everyone can post their own things under that if they want to interact.]

[OOC: If anyone would like their own closed starter for the first half of this month, please let me know. This is mostly meant to cover Nida through the White part of his Off-Color time.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The knock is almost immediately answered with Nida opening the door. And he can't help the smile he offers Billy the second he sees the guy. No matter what he said about giving Billy time, no matter how strongly he believed in that, no matter what has happened to this point, there was one thing that didn't change: he still cared about this guy. Too much, his mercenary self thought, and the part that was becoming more Nida and less SeeD Nomura ignored that.

In this case it meant that when he opened the door there was this smile. In the face of everything he still had a smile for Billy, warm and welcoming and like Billy was the only thing worth smiling for. A smile that fell off when he saw just how bad Billy looked. Despite the limp he moved forward, throwing his arms around his friend and hugging him tightly.

"You look like hell," he whispered, no doubt unhelpfully, in Billy's ear. "We've really got to find another way to get you to sleep a night. And through the night."

The hug doesn't even let up then. Not until Billy needs him to. This guy needs comfort, and Nida's sorta failed him the last few days. What was he thinking, focusing on the dojo when there was help needed right here?

Oh, right, that Billy wanted time and space from him. Remembered now. But really, this is better. Billy looked like he could use a hug.

Seeing that smile on Nida's face warms Billy straight through to his core, his stomach giving a pleasant flip as he smiles in return. Nida just has that effect. Whatever else they've been through, whatever else he's dealing with--whatever they're both going through--he can't deny that feeling, warm and giddy. Nida smiles like it's a look meant just for him, and Billy warms to it like it's the sun. It doesn't matter how terrible he's feeling, it makes things better, and if he didn't need that so desperately right now, maybe he'd feel more guilty about it.

As it is, he feels guilty anyway at how quick he is to return that hug, arms wrapped around Nida as he melts directly into the embrace, head leaning against Nida's. Yeah, they'd talked about distance, about figuring things out and not rushing into it, but also? Also, he just...really, really needs a hug. And Nida does, too, he thinks. They could both use some reassurance. So he fights down that funny little jump his pulse makes when Nida whispers in his ear, turning his head slightly towards the warmth of Nida's neck. It's cold outside, and this is the first time he's felt warm in what feels like days.

"Wow, way to make a guy feel good," he says, and though the teasing is lackluster the genuine affection in his voice isn't. "I'll be fine. It's just...you know. I mean, neither one of us is really sleeping, even if you say you are. Right?"

He definitely isn't letting go just yet.

Therein lies the secret: because that look is meant just for Billy. But that is just for Nida to know. What Billy can know is that Nida almost yelps at the face turned into his neck.

“Geez, your nose is cold. You’re going to have to come inside and warm up before we let all the heat out and you have no choice but to live with an icicle for a nose.” Not that Nida is releasing Billy or moving. At all. Just maintaining that fiercely tight hug. “Hate to say it but honesty is the right thing, right? And you don’t look good. I’d say go see the doctor but...”

Well, that was Wanda’s house. So maybe not. At least not unless Beverly was in the knfirmary. He doesn’t comment on his own lack of sleep, though. A nod should be enough to confirm that, not that it is important. He uses that time to think and plan for the dojo.

Is he smiling? Maybe. And maybe it's the first time he's actually smiled like that since they ended up at the shrine. Not that anyone would be able to tell, as he buries his face a little more solidly into Nida's neck. "Well, it won't be for long if you let me keep doing this," he says, and his arms wrap just a little more tightly around Nida's waist as he breathes in the scent of soap and skin.

He'd like to stay like this a while longer, but Nida's not wrong about letting the heat out, and the longer he stays the more guilty he feels for taking advantage of this moment to just be close to Nida again. He doesn't want to confuse him. He just feels so much more comfortable around him, more steady. So eventually, reluctantly, long moments later, his grip loosens, and he pulls back enough to offer another smile to Nida, small but genuine.

"I'll be okay. No doctor necessary. I'm just tired. And anyway, you shouldn't even be on your feet. Come on, don't make me carry you back in." Why is he even up walking around? Billy's own caretaker instincts are kicking in, no white band required, and he leaves an arm around Nida's waist, intending to offer support for his limping friend.

Okay, and maybe to keep some of that touch as long as he's allowed.

Well, if that is enough to make Billy's nose defrost, Nida might have to allow it in this moment, at this place. Holds Billy while he talks, not caring about anything but the comfort this could provide his friend. And even when Billy pulls back he's smiling. He looks better now, and for that, Nida would do just about anything. There's no confusion here, not in this moment. The fact that Billy looked better, felt better, that mattered.

In another situation, he might have felt confused, or been impulsive enough to lean forward to kiss the younger man. But that isn't Nida right now. Instead he steps aside, rolling his eyes dramatically.

"I'm more or less fine. Walking to my door isn't much of anything, and the cold air keeps it from swelling. That and the compression bandage. I walk to and from the dojo multiple times a day. And don't even think to start lecturing me, I know what my body can handle."

Still, he does accept the arm around his waist. No reason to refuse help when it is offered. Lord knew Seifer was going to fuss at him in the kitchen. "How about the couch? Just a few minutes to sit down and talk before I hand you over to the kitchen king?"

It does help. It helps so much, Nida's presence a steadying comfort he's missed. It hasn't been that long since they've seen each other, but...still long enough. Long enough that Billy notices a difference in the weight on him, and long enough that he's watching Nida more closely than he might otherwise, eyes shifting sideways as he works to take whatever weight Nida will allow. He's got more muscle definition than he had two months ago when they'd first met; maybe not what Nida's got by a long shot, but between exercising and chopping wood, he's definitely stronger than he'd been when he arrived.

"Yeah, cold and compression help, but you, my friend, are missing the other two elements of the RICE method. Rest, and elevation. It's not lecturing if it's scientific fact." And he's concerned anyway. Nida can get mad if he wants, Billy worries about the people he cares for. "Couch sounds good, though. We can talk, you can put your ankle up. Win-win."

"Yeah, I get plenty of rest when I'm sitting in the dojo. And elevation was what got me into this situation in the first place."

Yes it's a joke, but they're on the way to the couch, so that works for him. Once he is seated, though, he doesn't make any move to elevate his leg. The injury is days old. It really will be fine.

Clearly taking care of everything has a whole different world view when you're from a world where you've got magic at your fingertips. Or maybe Nida's just too restless to take care of himself. Actually, right now he's too focused on other people to care about his own injury.

"How have you been doing?" he asks, voice soft as he settles in. "I've been worried about you."

But too nervous to reach out, clearly.

Any other time, Billy would roll his eyes at that answer, maybe push Nida playfully, let his hands linger. But after that day in the schoolhouse, and then after all the rest on the mountaintop...it's still tempting, in its way, to pretend at normalcy, but he owes Nida better than that. So he settles for a look that's at least reasonably close to 'you've got to be kidding me' and a gentle nudge of his shoulder to Nida's, before scooting just slightly to the side, making sure there's a little space if Nida wants it. Not much; inches, maybe, but still. Enough to show he's still respecting what they'd talked about in the schoolhouse.

"You so know what I mean. Come on. At least put it up on the table while we're sitting here, so I feel better. When I'm gone, you can go back to jumping jacks or running laps or whatever," he says, fixing Nida with a look that's half reproachful, half pleading. It's a look that shifts, though, as Nida asks his question, and Billy turns his eyes on his hands, instead, laced together in front of him. The answer is--complicated, maybe. But Nida deserves as much of the truth as he can give.

"I...don't know," he admits finally, his voice soft. "I mean--I'm not really sleeping well. I keep having--dreams." Nightmares. Nida knows what he means. "But--I've been doing a lot of thinking, since we got back. There's been a lot to think about. Some things I don't think I could really see clearly, before. Stuff about me. The kind of person I've been. Stuff about Teddy." For once, his voice doesn't catch on the name. Funny. It hurts a little less each time he actually talks about it. "But, honestly? I think I'm doing better than I thought I would. Better than Tommy thought I would, too. I think he keeps expecting me to freak out and shut down. But, you know, if I did that, who'd come rag on you to take care of yourself, or make Jason eat lunch, or keep Tommy company on his runs?" Other people, maybe, but that's the point. He'd always let other people do things. Don't make this all about you, Billy. This is about him, too, remember?

Shaking his head, Billy looks over at Nida, face full of concern. "What about you? You aren't the only one who's been worried."

Give him credit where it was due, with the insistence on putting his leg up, Nida does immediately stretch it out to put on the table. Granted he rolls his ryes before he does it, but he does obey. Excuse me for being more concerned about other people than e is about his ankle. It was his mistake and he should be expected to live with the pain of it. Consider it an object lesson in self-care. Take care of yourself instead of hurting yourself and you won’t get harassed by everyone and their uncle. Are there any uncles here? Does it matter?

“Have you come to any conclusions about yourself? With all this thinking? And no small amount of mothering it sounds like? Not that I can argue that the specific list of people you gave doesn’t need mothering. Especially Tommy.”

That was a tease, and all of it meant to distract from the question of how Nida is. That doesn’t matter. That never matters.

“You might consider moving your runs later in the day, might help with sleep. Dr. Crusher also knows some herbal stuff, might have something to help you sleep. I used to skip some to Seifer and Rinoa.”

He keeps his soft smile, ignoring the question turned back on him. It isn’t something he really wants to talk about. People just worry about him and it makes no sense. Especially when their pains are more immediate and important than his.

He can roll his eyes all he wants as long as he does it, and Billy does feel better about it. See? Two birds, et cetera, Nida. Maybe it was your mistake, but that's a good lesson to learn--that you have people who worry about you, and you'll be nagged a lot less if you actually take care of yourself.

"It's not mothering," he protests, but there's a faint smile on his face as he says it. "It's just worrying about my friends, and my family. The people I care about. Like you, obviously." He looks back down at his hands for a moment, thinking about Nida's question. He hasn't forgotten the one he asked, and yes, he does notice you deflecting, Nida, but his answer is maybe part of that, too.

"I guess I've realized how selfish I've always been. Like, Tommy's been expecting me to just lock myself away in my room after everything that happened at the shrine, and then losing Wanda, and honestly? Six months ago, I would have. I mean, I have, before. Just...shut down, pushed everyone away, and locked myself in my room. I did it after we lost Cassie, and I did it after everything with Wanda the first time, and I would have done it after Teddy left me if I could have gone home without dying, or getting my parents killed. And it's so, so stupidly selfish. I get that, now." He pauses for a second, sighing, before shaking his head and combing fingers through hair that desperately needs a cut. No product today.

"It's kind of stupid that it's taken me this long to realize it, but I'm done doing that. I'm done hiding away from things that hurt, just because I can and people let me. And I'm definitely not going to hide over something as dumb as a breakup. Yeah, it hurt, but it is so literally not the end of the world. I'm still alive. And, I mean, there's other guys in the multiverse. Maybe one I'll be a better boyfriend to." Maybe one he wants to, but only once they're sure. Once he's sure he can do better, and not lapse back into a depressive fugue. He doesn't want to disappoint Nida. He deserves better. "So, I'm out here. I'm thinking about other people, instead. Like you." And here he reaches over, only hesitating briefly before laying a hand on Nida's shoulder.

"You know you can talk to me. About all of it. I'm not going to run away."

Well, being someone Billy cares about definitely earns a soft smile. Sometimes it's good to have friends like Billy, who didn't mind admitting they cared about people around them. But that look fades before his concern as Billy talks. The more he does, the less Nida is okay with the space between them. He wants to move closer, to hold Billy, to offer him that comfort. But the space is important, because, well... the guy was just talking about his concerns about being selfish. About his desire to be better than that. So that's definitely not the time to seem like he's coddling someone. The hand on his shoulder, though, that's nice. Even if he's sighing.

"Yeah, all of that sounds pretty bad," he says after a moment. "I would say I don't get it, being in that sort of state, but I guess... I guess I do. I'm only just realizing it, but I get it. It's a defense mechanism. Pull in on yourself to try and keep yourself from getting hurt. I think I did something similar, when I first came to the Garden."

But of course that, and Billy's comment, lead right into the whole 'talking about it' thing. Which Nida still didn't now how to deal with. It was frustrating, more than anything. He had been functioning perfectly well before he knew what he did. Before he remembered.

"So I got to learn from Rinoa about this thing you do on birthdays. You make a wish and blow the candles out and maybe it will come true. We didn't have any candles for my birthday, but that morning, before that weird thing in that fake place, I wished I'd remember my parents' names. And I sort of regret wishing for that, because of how it came true. Nothing like having everything you apparently worked so hard to repress coming to the surface. And with how everything else is playing out, everything else everyone sees, it's not right for me to be upset about it. I've always known my parents were dead, that they were executed by Galbadians for their actions in Timber. It's all such ancient history that I had thought I'd come to terms with. What right do I have to be upset over it next to what Jason saw, next to what I know Seifer had to have seen?"

Or even next to the pain of Billy's own memory. Nida didn't remember his parents enough to be that upset over their loss. It was more than a decade ago, he didn't remember them. Billy? Billy lost the man he loved to some pretty bullshit reasons at a stressful time in his life, and it was a lot closer than that.

He'd like closer. Of course he would. It's only been three weeks since that day in the schoolhouse, and of course they'd broken some of those rules the other night, after Wanda disappeared and they spent half the night together drinking and talking, him and Tommy and Nida, but...it wasn't the same. He missed holding Nida's hand, and having an arm around him, and being able to offer that easy comfort that made his pulse race at the same time it made him feel safe and comfortable. He misses it, but it isn't fair, and as much as Nida wants to support him, he remembers those words in the schoolhouse. He doesn't want to confuse Nida. But...he can offer comfort without confusing, right? There has to be a middle ground, even if he doesn't want a middle ground at all.

"Yeah, I mean, everyone deals with things that hurt like that differently. I hermit in my room and basically turn into a useless depressed lump, Tommy runs. We all kind of find our own way to deal with it, and it's not always healthy. I definitely wasn't." And Nida...Nida became the SeeD, the soldier to process. Billy gets it. He does.

Maybe better than Nida, even, and those words Nida says have all thoughts of middle ground flying right out of his head as he instinctively slides his arm over Nida's shoulders, turning to pull him into a hug. "Nida, you have every right to be upset," he says. "They're your parents. It doesn't matter whether it's ancient history or it happened yesterday, or if you remembered everything. It is right, and it's totally normal, and you feeling what you feel doesn't take anything away from what Seifer or Jason or anyone else feels. I'm sorry you had to remember like that."

Neither of them want a middle ground, but frankly, it was needed. Because how was Nida supposed to be a good friend when he too was too caught up in his pulse racing, in how much he could hang on the other young man's words? Finding one was going to have to be enough.

Of course there goes all hope with Billy just about pulling him over into a hug. Well, there's a thing. Which he relaxes into more than he really should. It's comforting, being held like this. Being cared about like this. It all makes it just a little easier.

"I know their voices now," he says, his own voice soft, barely a whisper. After a moment of hesitation he holds up his wrist and starts flipping through commands until there's a video on the screen. It's small, it's so small and he hates the tech for that. "This appeared on my device this morning. Along with everything else. My parents, my home, in the kitchen making curry. I have their voices, saying my name."

Which means more than he knows how to explain. Except maybe Billy could understand it. That first time hearing his own name from Wanda's mouth... Being called her son. That's what this feels like to him. Being possessed by a family he always wanted and never knew.

Yes. Yes, a middle ground is important, but being able to offer your friend comfort is important, too, and there's something incredibly reassuring in the way Nida relaxes into the embrace. It's reassuring to know that Nida is his friend, and that he can help him, even in this small way, to deal with what he's going through. Because he cares.

The words make Billy finally relax his grip, though he leaves the arm over Nida's shoulder for the moment, leaning in to look as Nida holds up his communicator. White, he notes, not green, and that's a question he wants to ask too, but the tiny video playing on screen takes all of his attention. It's so small for something so big. So important. After a moment, he speaks, voice quiet. "You all look really happy together. I'm glad you have something good to remember them by. Is that why the curry dinner tonight?"

"The stuff for curry just showed up," Nida admits. "And it's this curry. The one my Dad used to make. So yeah, it sort of is. I mean, I also got yarn, but you can't eat that."

Don't mind him while he leans in more, his head coming to rest on Billy's shoulder. This is good. This is better than good. He almost feels comfortable for once. After a moment, though, he pulls back.

"I wasn't handling well before this. I wasn't even handling it well when I chose to go to the dojo. You wanted to know how I hurt my ankle? I did it to myself. I jumped down from a roof. I wanted it to hurt. I didn't anticipate the rock on the ground that made me turn it worse than I'd been going for. I was just... I'm so tired of hurting over this. Is it wrong to just want something good in my life? Or just something I can handle?"

The pain was something he was trained as a SeeD to deal with. Even something to focus on instead of all the stuff in his head.

"Yarn?" That's a little confusing, but maybe it's the Observers also trying to give him something practical. Who knows what their motivations are, and honestly Billy isn't feeling too inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt lately. It's hard to be angry, though, especially when Nida rests his head on Billy's shoulder like that, and so much of the remaining tension in his chest and shoulders melts away as he pauses for a second, then just...lets his head rest against Nida's, just for a moment. It's not long enough, of course, and there's an ache in his chest that only grows at Nida's words. He wants so badly to be that something good. To tell him that everything is going to be fine, to make it fine. He's just so worried he's going to screw it up. That he'll just make it worse. But god, he wants to make it better.

Nida's head lifts away from Billy's shoulder, and he lets him go, hand sliding back over his shoulder and coming to rest on the couch between them, not quite touching Nida. "I wondered, a little, if that's what you'd done." His voice is quiet, but it's not judgmental. Billy understands that urge to make yourself hurt, just to feel something at all. "I'm glad you didn't get hurt worse. But I get it." Space, he thinks, and yet he's leaning in, brushing his shoulder against Nida's. "It's hard. Everything about this place is hard. But it'll get better. It'll stop hurting so much, or you'll be able to carry it easier. Maybe not alone, but you don't have to be. Not anymore. When it gets too hard, let us help. Like you were there for me and Tommy when we found out about Wanda. Like you were there for me on the mountain. I'm here."

Echoed words. 'I'm here.' The same ones Nida had offered him up by the shrine, after Billy had seen the man he loved betray him again. Hurt him again. They hadn't known then what pain might come after, but two words and Nida had said it all, hadn't he. Offered Billy all his support, all his strength, even when he knew it could hurt for himself to do so.

Those words have power.

"I'm always here for you. I'm just... not used to having anyone around for me," Nida admits. Which is probably sad on its own. Still, he looks a bit relieved for the offer. Doesn't mean he's going to admit that, had he not sprained his ankle, he might have done something stupider. Just to feel something else. And were it not for Beverly...

Was it wrong that when he'd broken, it hadn't even been in front of someone who knew him? Probably not. After all, the doctor radiated a protective sort of energy. Sort of... sort of like a mom. Which she wasn't, but it was nice.

"Thanks," he says at last, reaching up to put a hand on Billy's. And, the only payback he can offer for now, he gives. Pushes at that power in himself to try and will confidence and luck into Billy. Fifteen seconds, give him that. This is comfort he can offer you in return.

"I hope you get used to it," he says softly, with feeling. "Because I'm not going anywhere."

It isn't wrong at all. Sometimes you need that; someone who doesn't know you, someone who's a stranger to just let you break and then help you figure out where all the pieces go afterwards. How to put them back together, without any preconceived notions of who or what you're supposed to be. No one would blame Nida for that. In fact, Billy might feel better knowing that he had, and that he hadn't just repressed everything from the mountain. Sometimes you need that. He hadn't broken, but he had spilled his entire heart to Tommy, and it had helped. Tommy's expectations of and for Billy weren't his own, and it had helped. Helped enough that he can be here, doing this. That he wants to be here more than anyplace else.

That's what he's thinking, as Nida lays his hand over Billy's. He's thinking of just how much he wants to support Nida, to make him happy. He's thinking about how much lighter he feels around Nida, how much more steady, and about the giddiness in his chest; the way he's always so aware of Nida and the almost irresistible urge to touch him. He's thinking about how terrified he is that he might hurt Nida, and how despite that, he's determined to be around him. How much he wants to be a part of Nida's happiness. How much he wants, even if he knows it's selfish. It takes fifteen seconds for that white power to activate, but it only takes five for Billy's current violet power to kick in, and all of that--all the caring, all the loyalty, all the fierce tenderness, the way just this simple touch makes him feel--all of that is offered for Nida to take and to know. He doesn't even realize that his wishing Nida could know all that has triggered that very possibility.

The issue with powers is not knowing how they work. Not knowing how they play out. Not understanding... just what you can do means you can get yourself into a strange place, doesn't it? Something pushes at him, at his mind, and he can't really explain how it happens, but he lets himself be open to it. Which means after a few seconds there he is, overwhelmed with the intensity of it. His heart about aches in his chest to get all of those impressions, because with them comes the certainty that this is what Billy feels. Feels about him.

He swallows hard as he tries to process all of it, and somehow he doesn't break the contact at the absolute intensity of seeing yourself through someone else's eyes. Through the lens of their heart. How does Billy not know how amazing he is? Can he not see it? It makes him want to lean in, to offer another kiss, wishing that could communicate just how this all made him feel. But that isn't okay, that isn't good, and so he doesn't. Instead... Instead feelings flow right back.

The hope Billy gives him, and how tight his chest feels whenever he sees Billy. How he hurt to see how broken Billy was on the mountain. Faith in what Billy can be, the strength he knows Billy is going to develop, with or without him. His own caring, loyalty, and yeah, a touch of desire. But... a different sort of desire for him. Not the fierce burn of brief lust like Nida normally has, but the more confusing, slowly burning ember of hope in his chest. A torch, so to speak, that he carries. And an awareness that it absolutely is selfish to want him like this. Selfish and yet he embraces it, because with all the rest comes an awareness that he actually never has felt like this before, and if nothing else, he's thankful to know he's capable of it.

It's a lot to share, and Nida twists his hand just enough to tangle their fingers together. He shouldn't, he knows it. And he also knows that at this moment, with this strange connection, he has to. And still his power boils in him, building up to that point to offer Billy all the confidence it has. Soon it will settle in. And he refuses, no matter how naked this leaves him before Billy ~~and he's strangely not metaphorical about that, in a way it is a nakeness to share like this~~, to give him that confidence that he deserves to have.

Billy isn't aware at first of what's really happened, but it isn't long before there's that feeling ofconnection, and Nida's feelings are flooding back through that same link. It is overwhelming, being exposed like this. His heart squeezes, then feels like it's about to burst, because he knows. He knows with absolute certainty that this is how Nida feels about him, how Nida sees him, and that knowledge means more than any words could possibly express. It's so hard for him to ever believe he's worth anything, hard to accept that he's anything more than a burden on people, but he wants to believe this. He wants to have it, just this one good thing, even if it is selfish.

Nida's fingers lace with his, and there isn't any sense of shouldn't. It's just right, being this close to Nida always just feels right, and even if he's felt guilty recently about that, he isn't entirely sorry for it. Billy squeezes back, feelings of gratitude and reverent awe echoing back along the connection as a sense of confidence flows through him, keeping him from trying to pick apart or dismiss any of what he feels from Nida.

And there's one more thing he lets flow through that connection, too, emboldened by that boost he knows is coming from Nida and his new ability: his own echoing desire, not unlike that torch of Nida's. Billy wants him, wants to kiss him, wants to be lost in him. But he also wants it to be special. To be different. He's sure about his feelings, and he's sure that Teddy has nothing at all to do with them, but he needs to know he can be better than he's been, and he needs to know he's not going to be lost. That's all that's keeping him from leaning over and kissing Nida right now: his need to know he won't just lose himself forever and use Nida as a shield from the world, that he can be the partner Nida deserves.

It's been longer than fifteen seconds, but he definitely doesn't let go. Instead, Billy just sits there, fingers laced with Nida, an expression of surprise and wonder on his face as he watches Nida wordlessly, unwilling to break the spell they both seem to be under.

"Hyne above," he whispers, feeling that desire echoed in Billy. That, more than anything, is what makes him break the skin-to-skin contact. Dammit, he's trying to control himself here, and he knows, especially after all he's felt, that it's the worst choice to want to lean in and kiss him. To pull Billy close and promise him everything. Because he would.

He would.

And he knows now more than ever, that right now isn't the moment for that. For either of them. The hand that was holding Billy's goes back to nervously rake through his hair, and yeah, it's shaking a little. He is shaking a little. Because he can't imagine anyone's ever felt like that for him before, and there is no way to pick that apart, to deny what Billy showed him, intentionally or otherwise. There was an absolute certainty that came with that connection, and it's really getting to him. To the point where he swallows hard before he speaks again.

"Well, at least now I know that I really don't have to worry about being only a rebound. Thanks... for wanting to be that serious about me. If you don't get there, if you don't... if it turns out that isn't something you can do or want with me, that's okay too. I've seriously got to say that out loud here, because you need to hear it. Before everything else, I'm your friend. And that will always be true. No matter whether we stay here or we're dragged apart, I'm your friend. And you're... someone who helped me realize what it's like to really be more than I was made to be."

Some things need words, and Nida feels that's one of them.

It's a good thing one of them's able to have that much willpower, because it definitely isn't him right now. Nida breaks the contact, and Billy finally blinks, taking a shuddering breath in as he tries to slow his racing heart, processing what just happened. It must be the violet power, then. Sharing like that. Not just projecting a feeling, but knowledge. He knows now, like it's incontrovertible fact, that Nida cares for him. Nida wants him. And all the rest...

Billy shakes his head at Nida's words, finally looking back up at him. "You'd never be a rebound," he says quietly, but with a sense of finality. "That's one of the things I was figuring out, these last few weeks. I loved Teddy, but the way I feel about you doesn't have anything at all to do with him. It's just--about you." He offers a smile, small and a little shy but warm and sweet and just for Nida. "That's why it was important for me to figure things out. I mean--I am serious. You, uh, might have noticed, but I don't really do things halfway." He's all or nothing. He's always been all or nothing. But there's another important bit of clarification, something to say. "I know, though. No matter what, you're my friend, and I hope you know I'm yours. Whether we're here, or--anywhere else. Whatever else we are. No matter what, that isn't going to stop. But--" Again, that rush of confidence gives him the courage to keep going. "But I really hope we do get there. I just want to be better. You make me want to be better. That's all."

He wants to reach out, to touch Nida again, but he knows if he does that, it wouldn't be fair with everything they've just done, so instead he just takes another deep breath, shaking his head as that smile goes a little more rueful. "I should go see if Seifer needs help. Do me a favor? Just...rest for a little while? I know it's just a sprain, but still."

Maybe that all or nothing sort of attitude is part of what draws Nida to Billy. In fact, he knows it is. Someone who gives all of himself to the things he does. It's... beautiful. Billy's beautiful.

"Sorry, a... a friend of mine mentioned the concept recently," he says slowly, trying to weigh his words carefully. And yeah, he called someone a friend. "So I guess I was worried then. I'm really not now. So I'll cross my fingers, because you make me better just by being around me. And like it's not wrong to want more than just... what I normally go for."

But if Billy wants to go help Seifer, Nida's going to agree to that. They, as much as he hates to admit it, need time to deal with what was just shared between them. At least, Nida does. And he respects that Bily might want that too.

"Yeah. Okay. I'll just stay here. Thanks. Be nice to the guy, okay? He's in a mood. He made me sit at the table to chop things. Like a reasonable concerned brother."

He did use the F-word, and Billy does notice, but he's not going to call it out here. For one, he's still kind of thrown off-balance by everything that's just passed between them, and for another, maybe if he just acts like it's perfectly normal for Nida to have friends, eventually it'll sink in that it is perfectly normal. "I'm glad you're not worried now. And--you're not wrong, Nida. You deserve more. You deserve everything."

Billy offers him another one of those smiles, and the impulse to reach out and touch is clear enough on his face, but if Nida can be strong so can he. Pushing himself off the couch, he smiles again quickly and starts to move. "He's a good brother. Stay put, we'll call you when things are ready. I'll send Tommy out here, he's probably bugging Seifer for snacks. You want anything while I'm in there?" He's talking a little too much and too fast, he knows he is, but...yeah. He does need a little time to deal. Just a little, before he goes making yet another impulsive decision.

"I'm fine," Nida assures him with a smile.

What he wants is Billy to have some time. And himself as well. He cares about getting this right. "And don't let Tommy bug my brother too much. They might get up to mischief."

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demiurgency - 2019-02-16 20:56 (UTC) - Expand

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