what's ferret for 'bitch please'?

[zomboligist]

WHO: Ravi Chakrabarti
WHERE: Under a delicious tree (an evil, delicious tree)
WHEN: October 17th
OPEN TO: All!
WARNINGS: Ferrets, mischief, swearing

---

There is a ferret currently pawing at a sweater vest near one of the trees on the outskirts of town.

This isn't a sentence that Ravi would've ever assembled prior to this place, and yet, now it feels commonplace. If he weren't currently in a little ferret body, he might even feel compelled to squeak about how this place is awful. No. Wait, squeaking is for right now, which is what he's doing. It's all that bloody apple's fault for looking so green and perfect, and if someone's going to change you into a ferret after a few bites, he thinks he ought to be warned.

Of course, right now, maybe his priorities are a little off. First, there had been the immediate 'oh, fuck, I'm a ferret', and yet, after that, Ravi didn't think about switching back instantly. No, instead, he's far more concerned about the fact that he'd been wearing one of his best shirts and sweater vests and they're currently all in a pile where someone might step on them or, worse, might take them for their own. That won't do.

This is how there's come to be a tiny little angry Ravi-ferret pawing and clawing at the sweater vest to try and figure out a way to drag it with him back to his and Major's place. No opposable thumbs rule out hands, which means that teeth are next. That is, teeth are next until heavy footsteps and a looming shadow above him makes Ravi realize just how small he is and just how much he currently detests that stupid apple for making him like this.

What if it's permanent? What if he has rabies?

What if their dog eats him?

Letting out a panicked and angry squeak, Ravi clambers to protect his clothes ever the more, while simultaneously hiding behind one of his boots in case he ends up accidentally pelted by an over-eager kick.

Comments

[zomboligist]

Do ferrets hiss? Ravi isn't sure if that's natural, but he's fairly sure that when Kira tells him to go build a nest, he hisses like a vicious ferret-witch or something, scrambling to chase after the shirt so that when Kira lifts it up, he goes with. Eyes widening as he looks at the ground beneath him, Ravi starts to panic and decides he's going to clamber his weirdly long body (...as weirdly long as it is normally, he's not going to think on that too deeply) and wrap himself sort of around Kira's neck.

That's where he decides that no, this isn't the worst place to be, so until he can figure out some way of communication, that's where he'll stay, provided Kira keeps picking up his clothes from the ground.

[3ofswords]

Since there's nothing short of the ferret picking up a stick and writing I'm fucking Ravi in the dirt that could ever convince Kira that his friend is an animal now, he lets himself make the exact undignified little shout the moment deserves. The worst he dealt with in Manhattan was rats, and for all that he lets a crow hang out on his shoulders, fucking nothing prepares him for the fact of a ferret scrambling up his arm.

"Jesusfuckingchrist," he breathes, gone very still when flailing his arm had done fuck all to separate them.

There's a ferret on his neck.

He almost doesn't dare to drop his arm, but he slowly does, Ravi's vest hanging at his side. It isn't biting him to death, and what scratches he's suffered are from the climb, rather than some attack. Maybe ferrets are just some kind of inherent-pet-creature, not that afraid of people that it wouldn't ball up on them. What does he know: he's not the pet whisperer the Observers seem to believe he is. "I'm really at-capacity for non-humans to care about," he says, standing there lest it decide to rip his ear off after all. "Honestly I'm at-capacity for humans to care about too, you really need to find a different sweater to covet."

[zomboligist]

Ravi is not letting that sweater out of his sight. Well, and, also, he's not going to let Kira just assume that Ravi's clothes were abandoned in a fit of pique or disappearance or sudden desire to be a nudist. He's going to have to convince Kira not to just abandon him in the woods because he will get eaten, probably by a rabbit or something else suitably embarrassing, like a fish.

How, though? He's supposed to be clever, how can he show that he's him without speech? He has sharp little nails, doesn't he? What can he do? Well, he starts with trying to carve a little 'R' into Kira's upper bicep, imagining he's got about ten seconds before he gets thrown off, here.

[3ofswords]

"Okay, actually you get to stay on the ground," he says quite forcefully, more of a P scraped to his arm when he grabs the ferret in the center of its weird little body and tugs it away, dropping it back to the forest floor. Eyeing it closely, he's ready to kick at any attempts to climb back up his body.

"Just fuck off, I need to deal with this."

This is Ravi's sweater, and clothes, and--existence. Ravi disappearing is an entirely different kettle from Tim or Credence: Ravi's one of their fucking doctors. It isn't just Kira who will be worse off without him, if this is some indication he's gone back to do the Monster Mash in Seattle. Slinging the sweater over one shoulder, he goes back for the pants, wondering if something in the pockets might help him decide what's happened.

[zomboligist]

Ravi scrambles after him again, having to duck around behind him to cling onto Kira's pant-leg when the sweater starts getting away from him again, onto his shoulder, and he's going to move away from biting and clawing and go into tugging. The lack of opposable thumbs makes this difficult, but he starts trying to tug and pull Kira in the direction of the pants, before he scrambles to them and stands in them.

Well, more like he stands on top of them, but it's close enough. Chirping and screeching and making whatever stupid noises a ferret makes, he lays flat and then stands up in them again, wishing that ferrets could just bloody talk.

[3ofswords]

Alright, this is clearly not how a normal ferret should behave, even if Kira's understanding stops right after that's a ferret. His mind still doesn't leap to the truth, clinging to the shreds of realism the canyon has always seemed to maintain. There's some connection, the ferret and the clothes, and something about it that isn't afraid of him, but that's about what he'll allow.

"Yes, okay Lassie, Timmy's in the well. Are you telling me you know where Ravi is, or do you just really want some pants? I know a chick, she likes sewing and woodland creatures, she might make you a pair."

[zomboligist]

Oh dear god, he hates all his friends, he hates that he hadn't thought to come up with some emergency protocol for what happens if he turns into a furry woodland creature, and he hates this place for tempting him with delicious food only for it to punish him. Trying to figure out what else he can do, he's exhausted and he feels like he's going to crawl Kira and start clawing him again, mainly out of frustration.

As it stands, he ends up doing that to Kira's boot, not skin, digging in a crude 'RA' before he gets tired.

[3ofswords]

"What the fuck are you doing," he sighs, allowing this much after all the fucking hassle of dancing around the woodland path with a ferret. The what the fuck just prompts another sigh, anything on his foot is entirely too far away for him to possibly read.

He really needs to stop leaving his glasses at home, considering his situation.

Kira gives a shooing kick to the ferret to make room to sit down, crossing his legs in his lap and tugging his foot up to examine. It's a pretty clear message from there, but he just--doesn't want to do this. Putting his head down in his hands, he barely peeks at the little animal through his fingers. "Please tell me you're just especially sentient and not actually Ravi."

[zomboligist]

He hopes that the responding glare is enough of an answer because he'd really hate to have to bite Kira as a result of any of this. Instead of biting, he just sort of scampers onto Kira's boot and stares sort of adorably up at him, like that's going to help with any of this. Once he does that, he heads over to the offending fruit, scooping it in order to roll it over, nudging it to try and story-tell and show that this is the culprit.

Hopefully Kira doesn't just think that Ravi is providing food for him because he's really not. He does not require a ferret buddy, not now.

[3ofswords]

"Jesus," he intones, voice squeezed by circumstance to a dry husk of why the fuck is this happening to me.

Ravi ate an apple and turned into a ferret. That's what he's being expected ti believe. "Okay, fine," he says, deciding this is actually a dream and actually not his fucking problem. "Let's go see Mark." Getting up, he scoops the ferret up in one hand and the apple in the other.

"Only you would wind up in this mess."

[zomboligist]

He's wondering if Mark has some secret skill in the occult and that's why they're going to him, because otherwise, he's bound to just get glared at in double-time, which isn't something that Ravi has ever wanted to do. Huffing out with disapproval, he tries to scramble to get the apple and hold it between his paws.

What he doesn't know is that it looks adorable. If he did know that, he'd probably just end up sulking and look even more adorable. Still, it's his cursed apple and he's holding onto it, even as he burrows into Kira's forearm.

[3ofswords]

"What do you want me to do," he asks, somewhat immune to the charms of this ridiculous situation. "I'm not eating that thing, I'm not kissing you to see if you poof back into a Call of Duty obsessed prince." He isn't sure Mark can do anything either, but Mark can at least be made of aware of apples that turn people into ferrets.

"I get it, you were eating the apple when it happened. I don't know what Mark can do either, but he at least needs to know this happens." Kira kind of wishes he didn't, that he could hand it off to Mark and have his memory erased MIB style. "He also doesn't have any pets to fuck with you, which my house is full of."

[zomboligist]

Also, no Major means no mocking, but the possibility of Helen means that there could be some relationship embarrassment involved that Ravi's not entirely prepared to endure. Still, as he cuddles up with the apple, he gives Kira a sad little look because he doesn't want to be a ferret and even as much as he wants to, he doesn't think taking a bite out of the apple here and now is a good idea.

Sure, it might work. But then, he'd end up naked and in Kira's arms, and that's just a line of this friendship that Ravi isn't prepared to endure. Giving a ferret-like harrumph, he accepts his new fate in going to see Mark.