(no subject)

[thecatinahat]

WHO: Cougar Alvarez
WHERE: By the fountain
WHEN: November 15th
OPEN TO: OTA
WARNINGS: Brooding | Adult Content in Jake Log
STATUS: Closed

---

If anyone is coming up out of the fountain, they're in for a rude surprise.

Days go, like it had been as simple as breathing, all of a sudden Carlos Alvarez vanished and years of awful memories came crashing back into his head. Afghanistan, Bolivia, Los Angeles, and all the deaths and bad calls in between. The worst of it is that Cougar can acutely remember how happy he had been for a few weeks, even if he's sure that Jake is pissed off with him and that Raven and Veronica both have plenty of blackmail material on him.

Now he's heaving heavy rocks into the fountain because he can't even shoot anything, which makes him feel useless. Not only is he useless, but he's back to being unhappy and the last thing he wants to think about is how hard it will be to sleep tonight, after three weeks of peaceful rests and sleeping in with no nightmares to chase him, because the worst thing that had happened in that boys' life had been losing his family for who he'd chosen to be.

As it stands, all he wants to do is throw more into the fountain, the heavier of the rocks straining his muscles, but making him feel it. When he throws the next, though, it doesn't hit the water, but instead goes crashing off the side, tumbling down the side of the fountain and in the direction of the path, having done no damage at all. Seeing a pair of feet on the path just by where the heavy rock had ended up rolling, Cougar nudges his hat up with a thumb and gives a nod to acknowledge them, a shrug, and then a single word.

"Sorry." He lets his gaze slide down. "I didn't hurt you?"

Comments

[notsocommon]

"If you had, I'd just make you patch me up," Helen said, giving him a little smile. She had experienced far worse than a rock against her toe and while it smarted a bit, it was not anything she couldn't move on from. More concerning was his countenance, the slope of his shoulders - it was clear that Cougar was upset about something. What, however, would remain to be seen.

"Why exactly are you launching projectiles at the fountain anyway? Has it done anything particularly aggrieving of late or are you experimenting?"

Bruce had experimented with it by jumping in. Helen had chosen a method that involved less in the way of inundation and resembled Cougar's current actions.

[thecatinahat]

"No gun," is what he says, aggrieved and more than a little cross as he perches on the edge of the fountain, feeling some of the fight go out of him as he collapses down on the stones and takes off his hat. He's been wearing it ever since it showed up, but the version of himself without a memory didn't understand the preciousness of the commodity. "It felt good to do," he says with a faintly dark smile.

"And besides, good alert system if anyone is coming out," he adds.

[notsocommon]

Helen laughed lightly and looked at the fountain before looking to Cougar again. She'd love to shoot the fountain herself, actually, and just simply hadn't had the opportunity or the weapon available. She was glad she wasn't the only one.

"We should have a way to leave a message here, I think. People are going to come out sometime when there isn't anyone here to give them the spiel," Helen pointed out. "And if they do, we should at least leave them...a sign or something."

[thecatinahat]

"We post a sign, telling them they are welcome in hell," he says, knowing that he's being hyperbolic, but he's angry and he spent three weeks not being himself. He knows that Jake had enjoyed it, too, because that version of himself didn't have the nightmares weighing down on him like the man he is does. "What if it freezes?" he points out, thinking it's a fair question, given the weather. "What if it is ice and someone is there and drowns?"

Freezes to death is more likely if they can reach the surface, but drowning is very possible, too. All these dark options are definitely a hint at Cougar's current state of mind, but he's having a little trouble being happy right now.

[notsocommon]

"I would hope that wouldn't happen," Helen said. "It would have to get quite a bit colder here and sustain that cold for a while for the water to freeze. As it is, the snow comes and melts, the weather isn't constant. We could salt it, too, and then it would make it more difficult for it to freeze over."

She had thought over that very thing herself, actually, but she had come up with what she hoped were a few workarounds.

[igotacrossbow]

"No, buddy," Jake replies quietly, knowing that Cougar is in a shitty mood at not knowing what to do about it.

The worst part, he thinks, is that he'd started to get used to Carlos, the almost carefree boy who'd been wearing his best friend's skin. The easy way he'd curl into him at night, the quick smiles, the open trust in his face that wasn't shadowed by the brim of a low-slung hat. He still missed Cougar, of course, but Carlos wasn't exactly a hardship to be around.

Which made him feel horribly guilty before, and even worse now that Cougar's back and Jake finds himself a little bit disappointed.

"I was wondering where you got to, and Vee said she saw you heading out this way."

[thecatinahat]

Seeing Jake makes a flood of guilt rush on, which is almost more than he knows what to do with. For weeks and weeks, he could barely understand English and he certainly didn't feel very comfortable with it, but he'd had someone there for him - supportive and kind and very, very attractive. True, part of his brain couldn't understand how he could have managed someone like that, but he'd resolved himself to enjoying it. Now, with his memories back, he's even more grateful for Jake, but he feels awful because Jake's stuck with the version of him that's bogged down by nightmares and screaming terrors.

"Would've preferred to go shoot something," he admits, because it's the truth of things. "Come here," he beckons with his fingers, perching on the edge of the fountain, his jeans slightly damp from the splashing water.

[igotacrossbow]

"Yeah, I bet." He knows what the Spanish word for shoot is, at least, and he's known Cougar for long enough to know exactly how he handles stress: he goes to the shooting range and destroys targets for a few hours until he feels calmer.

Without a range and without his guns, he's at loose ends. Jake can commiserate.

Come here is also a phrase he can parse, so he does just that, stepping closer without hesitation before reaching a hand out to cup Cougar's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

[thecatinahat]

There's something else that he does when he's stressed, but it hadn't felt right to do when he's not entirely sure what Jake is feeling after Cougar had lost his memory of everything, but also of Jake for so long. He cups his cheek and leans up to kiss him slowly, but with determination and all the skills that his nineteen-year-old self didn't possess (not that he hadn't been intent on learning). "Come," he invites hoarsely, when he backs away, gesturing to the pile of rocks he's brought. "Throw rocks with me."

[igotacrossbow]

Jake can't help the needy little noise that escapes when Cougar leans up to kiss him, or the way his arms immediately lift to curl around him to hold him close.

"I missed you," he whispers brokenly, his guilt just increasing but feeling like he needs to say it aloud. Cougar has known every little bad thing about him for years, what's a little more going to do?

The laugh that pushes up his throat when Cougar invites him to toss rocks into the fountain is just as surprised as it is loud, and he pulls back enough to wipe at his eyes for a second with the tips of his fingers before he nods. "Yeah, okay." It's so dumb, throwing rocks into the well, but what the hell, why not. What else are they going to do?

[hawkeyesniper]

It was a few days since she'd discovered the body of the skunk. She had been avoiding this place long enough. Riza wanted to be there when people arrived if she could. It was one of the small ways she felt she could contribute. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she was a little surprised when a rock came out of seemingly nowhere and skittered across the path.

Riza stopped its path with her boot and looked up with some concern on her face. She felt like that look was justified given who was throwing the rock. She didn't know Cougar well, but he didn't strike her as the type to throw stones like that. Riza shook her head at his question, "I'm fine. I take it you weren't aiming at me anyway." It was said with some jest, though her dry tone might have hid the fact.

She looked from him to the fountain and then back to the rock, kneeling down to pick it up. She tossed it in her hand a few times, "I think we have enough people come through the fountain thinking they're about to be attacked or murdered. So what gives?" She threw the rock back to him to hopefully catch.

[thecatinahat]

"Satisfying, to see it go..." he mimics the water with his hands, a dark look on his face as he thinks about when he'd do this at home with bottles or watermelon or smaller fruits to challenge himself and to try and get over some of the darker moments of his life. Here, he has no gun. He can't go practice at the range, and he can't do anything but live with the memories and know how this place played with him for three weeks.

He catches the rock easily enough, tipping his hat up and giving her an apologetic look. "My throwing is not as accurate as my shooting."

[hawkeyesniper]

"I suppose I lucked out in that regard then," she said. It wasn't that she'd seen him shoot, ever, but a sniper worth their salt tended not to boast about it. You just carried your reputation with you and Riza had picked up on that with him. "It takes a different skill set. One that I'm starting to wish I'd practiced a little more at," she continued. Hughes had been excellent with such things, but Riza had never seen the need. She'd never been in a situation where she'd been without her guns or without someone with some literal fire power before. She was starting to come to terms with how vulnerable that made her, but it wasn't a conversation she necessarily wanted to have.

"Is that really all you're out here for? Throwing rocks at a fountain?" She wasn't normally so inquisitive of other people's lives, but after the past few days she wanted to talk about and focus on things besides dead animals.

[thecatinahat]

He breathes out slowly, in complete control, and isn't sure where he should start. Luckily, he's got his language abilities back, so when he speaks, he won't struggle as much as he might have, had they been speaking a week ago. "Thinking," he says, adjusting the rock in his hands as the truth bubbles up on his lips and he forces himself not to just stand there and lie. "Maybe I am upset," he concedes, because that's the bigger truth in the matter.

"For three weeks, I had no memory," he says darkly. "And now it is back. I am happy for the memories, but it means that everything has come back. All the war, all the fighting." All of his kills that he'd been sent to do and all the ones that are on his conscience.

[hawkeyesniper]

Riza blinked. She was used to being a listener, so she did just that. She knelt down and scooped up a rock of her own, might as well mimic her conversation partner. Besides, she felt awkward just standing there. She rolled the rock in her hand as Cougar confessed to being upset and what he's upset about.

She closed her eyes and opened them again as she looked at the fountain's water instead. Although she isn't really seeing it, her thoughts drifting elsewhere. He didn't have to elaborate on war -- not to her. She tried to think about what that would be like. Having your memories taken away, going back to the person you were before you pulled the trigger for the first time. "Did it come back all at once? That sounds nightmarish," her voice is quieter than before. "I imagine those came back too," she guessed.

He'd never mentioned them of course, but it was rare for a soldier NOT to have them. The war of Ishval was long past and she still sometimes woke up remembering the bodies piled, the smoke, burned flesh, and blood. That wasn't even getting into her more recent nightmares of monsters and moving shadows.

[seekingvinland]

Thorfinn was making his way back from river cutting through the fountain park. He secrely hoped someone he actually wanted to see would come through. Einar, his mother or his sister. Anyone but Thorkell really. This place couldn't handle his great uncle. When he neared the fountain he saw Carlos. A faint smile ghosting his lips before the rock rolled into his foot. Hearing the other speak he shook his head.

"No, I'm fine." He kneeled to pick the heavy rock back up and moved to hold it back over to Carlos. "What are you doing, Carlos?" He expected his old friend was gone forever, but he could live with the new version. He liked both sides of the man just fine.

[thecatinahat]

"Cougar," is his reply, giving Thorfinn a pointed look. For weeks, he'd gone around telling people his real name, but that man is dead and gone. Cougar has been who he is for years, now, and it's important that he stands by that. Cougar is the man he had to become for the army and it's the one he is here, now.

"I am venting frustrations," he explains, "all my memories are back." Which ought to be a good thing, but he won't be sleeping tonight and it's hard to see that as a good thing.

[seekingvinland]

"Ahh!" His face lit up at the sound of the name. "You have found yourself again!" He was far more excited than one should sound, but he had pretty much resigned himself to the idea that Cougar would never return to normal. It was a joyful thing indeed.

Thorfinn moved over to stand by the other, crossing his arms over his chest. "Throwing rocks helps you with that?" he asked with a tip of his head.

[thecatinahat]

Cougar nods, though it's a heavy thing. He doesn't know that he's happy to be himself or not, but at least he's back to normal. The trouble is, normal means all the nightmares are back and all the memories of dark, awful things that he would rather forget. "Throwing rocks is easier than thinking," is his opinion on the matter, shrugging his shoulders as he stares at the fountain.

"Want to help?" he offers, lifting up a rock.

[seekingvinland]

It was something Thorfinn would understand if either ever broached the subject. Thorfinn was happy to pretend he wasn't his home's alarm clock thanks to his own nightmares of his past and possible future attacking when he was least able to defend himself.

He stepped leaning down to pick up a couple small rocks. "Okay, if it helps." He responded with a shrug. He shifted to swing one of the rocks so it would skim the waters surface. It had been a long time since he had done this. He hadn't though of it as relaxing before, more something to kill time.

[specialise]

Raven likes to avoid the fountain as much as possible. She sometimes worries she'll fall back in and never be able to find the surface again. The feeling of drowning has been with her for three long months, and she finds that the longer she stays in this town, the easier it is for her to breathe.

Seeing a familiar figure taking out a lot of aggravation on the fountain makes her feel like the thing deserves it. But maybe her friend doesn't, considering the movement of his arm suggests he's not simply skipping rocks along a surface that's too small to enjoy how they bounce along the water.

Standing beside him with her arms folded, she arches her brow as she stands on the tips of her toes to peer inside of the fountain, but from a safe distance. "Are you asking the fountain or me? Because I think those rocks have something to say about you, Carlos."

[thecatinahat]

"Cougar," is what he says heavily, tipping his hat back down to hide his eyes just enough that he can still see her, but most of the emotion is hidden from her view. Snapping back into himself is an adjustment period, but he doesn't feel like being on display. "And I'm asking you, of course. This piece of shit fountain doesn't need any apologies." Since his memory has come back, Cougar's had many moments when he wondered if somehow the fountain hadn't stolen his memories.

His grandmother had always been the superstitious one of the family, but he thinks that he could learn to be like her, in this place.

[specialise]

Note to self: If Cougar corrects his name to being "Carlos", something funny has happened to him again.

She looks at him pointedly, noticing how he's hiding away. That hat looks real nice on him when he wants to not be seen. But Raven thinks she can find everything she needs to know about how he's feeling from how he shies away from her.

Cougar's never really done that. Isn't she always the one trying to hide from him?

Her lips curve up just slightly, but she looks at him as though he's grown a second head. Her expression shifts into something more softer to be comforting. He's worried, and it makes her worried he thinks the first thing to say to her is to check whether or not she still trusts him. "Do you think if you hurt me I'd really be here?"

[thecatinahat]

He shrugs his shoulders and gives Raven a long look from just under the brim of the hat, trying to figure out how many people he has hurt, but have cut him out of their lives because it had been too hard or too painful or he had done something so wrong that they didn't trust him. Jake has been there and done all the bad with him (most of it, at least), but these people here? No, they deserve the happy man he'd once been.

"I don't know, maybe you are stubborn," he points out. "You learned many things about me that I don't usually like to share."

[specialise]

"Sure did," she says gleefully. Will Raven use it for evil? Only time will tell. But she's not keen to go around repeating everything that he's said. What had been told to her, whether in need to confess or because he'd been way more talkative and open in his youth, remains a secret. Raven knows a little about how important those are.

She looks at him with a sober expression. "If you're afraid I'm going to go and write them on some wall, you're out of luck. My friend Carlos told me that stuff in private. I don't break my friends' confidence."