sixthiterationlogs | OTA: Trying to get back into the game (Feeling like you're losing the pieces)

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OTA: Trying to get back into the game (Feeling like you're losing the pieces)

(ooc-Available all month while trying to get Eddie/Venom back in the game.)

Way Down We Go

Between last month's trips and his color change Eddie is...tired and he has to accept he's feeling slightly depressed. His therapist would insist that he get out and do something, but it's hard carrying himself and Venom through this.

Venom is down and that...that is a new feeling. Everything hurts twice as much as it normally does but he's proud that he can get up and keep walking, that he can even manage to go for a run, and that he has a degree of control over Venom who just wants to run into the forest and hide. Revert to an animal state.

He's honestly proud he's not:

1) Seeking out Anne mostly because he'd be the kind of person who would want to fall back into her arms, the kind of person she'd been, and he wants to change.

2) Sitting at home doing nothing.

3) Hiding like Venom wants.

This is ridiculous! We should go back into the woods. The woods are safe.

"Yeah I know bud but I can't live in the woods and I don't want to be by myself." He nods to a few people and keeps his head down, "It's not good for either of us to be by ourselves."

Why.

"Because this is what's called depression man. And that's what's in my head and apparently since we're fused together that's what it's in both of us. I guess."

Venom's snarl makes him practically vibrate.

I can fix it-

"No!" He stops - shouting loudly, "Listen I know how weird this is gonna sound but leave it-us-alone okay? Just. Do it."

He peers around and shrugs his shoulders before shaking his head and moving away.

Eddie and Venom have brought their croc dog out today. Toxin is just a puppy and he's hideous but Eddie loves him. He's got one big spot under an eye and the little creature likes to be scratched on it. Then he rolls over and wags his chubby little body happily.

Coming out is one of those "Keep moving forward" moments but he needs Toxin today and the little bugger is loving the fire and sitting in his arms but he sticks towards Eddie.

He was going to try to train him and he's got a small plate of meats beside him but he can't bring himself to do it. He just wants to keep petting the small animal who is just - enjoying the attention.

At night, Venom can be found pacing around. He hasn't sought out 7, even if Eddie has insisted he try. Human beings are hard. Terrible and hard to deal with.

At least he doesn't bother hiding anymore. The big black creature with massive claws paces the streets and shrugs at anyone he meets before racing off to the forest, staggering back only when he's sated.

Then Eddie insists on getting up.

And going outside.

Asshole.

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There's a difference.

Anne had wanted space, and Eddie and Venom had given it to her, but she can tell that it's not just that, anymore. She'd been with Eddie long enough to know the signs; when she caught sight of him in the village, she could see it in the curve of his shoulders and the set of his jaw. You don't get to know someone on that level and then just forget.

There was additional time spent wondering if she should even broach the subject; what he's currently going through, what he's gone through in the past, that Venom told her on the trek down from the Shrine. Then there's a week lost to feather-hunting and recovery.

This needed to be done, though, and it's been put off long enough, and she can see it is not about past experiences anymore; this is current.

Anne arrives at the door for House 17 in the mid morning, hoping it was late enough that Eddie would be awake, and yet still give them plenty of time to talk human to human before Venom took over.There's the feeling of a cold, heavy stone in the pit of her stomach, that she wasn't sure what exact state to find Eddie in, how Venom might have added to it, or how he would react to her knowing ... what she knew.

She knocks, and waits.

There's a vague sound of barking, small yips. Someone mumbles something from behind the door before opening it and -

Eddie stares at Anne and raises an eyebrow before he blinks, his features serious, "...Hey. I uh-I was going out."

She's seen him drag himself out of bed and stagger to work and the minute that hits him he sighs, "...Still trying to get out of the house. Can we walk and talk?"

The yips are a good sign, that Venom was not planning to eat their new little dog. Anne doesn't quite smile when Eddie answers the door. She's looking on him with concern, and isn't surprised when he seems to remember exactly new to her.

"Sure, absolutely." She stands aside to let him out, knowing that sometimes this was the hardest step. "Just taking a walk?"

"We haven't been well."

No point in beating around the bush. She's seen this before. After he tried to introduce her to his dad. After he lost out on that first job before he got hired at the network - trying to make a life for himself in San Francisco.

"...I'm used to it, V's...not."

The little dog flops on his shoe, staring up at him adoringly before running in a circle around her and back to him.

"Two people who are down in one head's a bit hard but we're dealing. Why?"

She looks at him, concern clearly etched in her features. Just because he was used to it didn't make it any easier to see him struggle.

Again, she wondered if she should really be bringing this up, especially if he's already having a hard time and trying to balance Venom as well. But - it had been eating away at her, and she wanted him to know that he wasn't alone; he had help. She may not understand exactly what he's going through, but she knows the importance of reaching out and being there.

"When we were coming down the mountain, after the business at the Shrine, I called you over the network to check in and got Venom. We ... got in an argument, and he told me there had been a time, after we had broken up, that you ..." She paused, wondering if she should use Venom's words, wondering if she should paraphrase, wondering if she should just call it like it was ... "He told me there were times you wished you didn't exist."

Just saying it breaks her heart, and as she looks at him it's impossible to hide that raw emotion. Their relationship may not have survived, but she still cared about him, still wanted him to succeed and be happy, even if she'd moved on to ensure she could pursue the life she wanted. The idea of him taking himself out of it ... saying it out loud, just having to imagine it ... she wants to do whatever is in her power to ensure that doesn't happen. "I just want you to know if you ever feel that way again, I'm here. Foggy's here, you've got friends, friends who would be ... devastated if something were to happen to you."

He stares at her blankly because -

She was being annoying, you were being annoying. You're all being assholes about your emotions and your feelings. venom's voice sounds echo-y in his head. Far away. Mostly because he's furious. That's his, Anne had no right to it. It's an ugly sort of story but sometimes he just needs to be sad damn it.

He spent years, years working through that. Instead of talking to Venom he sends the creature images. A flood of them. His father driving him to court ordered therapy. Him breaking down the first time discussing his mother's death. Mary just shaking her head at him, him talking to people, him in group.

I would have gotten out of it. would he?

Bullshit.

Outwardly his hands clench at his sides and he wraps his arms around his chest before burying his face in his knees and letting his shoulders shake. I would have. I would have.

Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit-

"...It's not bullshit it's my damn life!" He bares his teeth, not looking at her, focused instead on the creature in his head and he's crying. Big ugly stupid childish tears.

He struggles to compose himself, looking at her, then looking away and breathing deep. Calming himself. Calming them.

"...Thanks, Anne, thank you." He drags a hand over his face, "Yeah. No I'm not planning anything I'm not sure it'd work and that's- Just one day at a time. You know?"

Anne crouches down with him, reaching out to brace his shoulder, ready to embrace him if he needs it. She can tell he's having some sort of internal conversation with Venom, and she can only guess what that is with his outburst. She squeezes his shoulder, and doesn't let go.

"Yeah, one day at a time." She stands and offers her hands to help him up, then, taking a page out of Foggy's book; "You look like you could use a hug."

They're finding their way around this new friendship dynamic, in the context of this place, and with his current struggles she's willing to concede some space to offer comfort.

He's frozen solid for a moment, just shoving as many images as he can because he's proud. He's proud he lives with this he's proud-

You willingly live with this...weakness?

"...Yeah." He swallows, "I want a hug. Just. Not right now. I'm..."

He fixes his gaze on Anne and he looks like he's pulling himself together, just a hair. One inch at a time, "...I'm proud I beat this. Anne. I mean you can't beat it because biochemical imbalances and that kind of shit but I...I beat it. S'the first person I actually - first and one of the few things I've done for me. Self care and all that."

He waves a hand.

"If Venom is adding onto how depressed I feel? It's my fault for doing it to them. And my fault for ...making it worse. That stupid bracelet just..."

He taps at his head quickly before squeezing his wrists.

The puppy appears - a chubby creature who hasn't yet grown into the lean creature he'll become who noses into Eddie's side. The grown man slides back -falling back flat on his ass - to the puppy's delight. Satisfied the creature turns it's attention to Anne.

"Toxie. Toxie no! down puppy. Down!"

She helps him up, but respects his decline for further contact for the moment and takes a step back, slipping her hands back into her pockets. He's been with her long enough to know how important she found self-care to be, and smiles to agree with him; he should be proud, and she's glad he is.

"The whole thing with the devices was ..." Cruel and unusual punishment? Undeserved? She's not able to get the rest of her thought out, though, because Toxin decides it's time to help by getting the humans grounded, and once he's succeeded on Eddie he turns his fat little webbed paws on her. She tries to back up, putting a hand out to deter him, but she remembers meeting him in the wilderness; this one was enthusiastically unrelenting and it's only a few short moments before Anne herself tumbles backwards with a yelp - and a laugh. You can't be mad at a face like that.

Success! The puppy wriggles at Anne before turning his attention and tiny teeth to Eddie. Venom rears inside of him and Eddie twists over to his side.

"Venom no. Don't."

There's no words. Just the hunger that he's come to associate with - having a depressed symbiote.

"Venom. No." where are you?

...Knocked us down.

Toxin turns to Anne and looks away before curling up against his neck. Eddie is gone though - for a moment.

"...Come back to us love." He doesn't know what he's saying, "Come back to us. Come back. Come back..."

His eyes are white.

"...Come back love."

After a moment the anger, the rage, the hunger subsides and he stares at Anne.

...Don't want to hurt him Eddie. he's little. He's ours.

Sitting up, Toxin leaps into his lap and he meets Anne's gaze, sincerely, "...Venom isn't well right now. Like at all."

Read between the lines Anne. Please.

It's ... terrifying to watch. Anne will think she understands how this dynamic works, between Eddie and Venom, feels she can understand better than most given her own ride along with the symbiote, but then things like this happen and she feels entirely left on the outside. She braces herself as Eddie seems to chant without a presence of mind, watches his eyes go white, and then watches as things seem to settle down.

She can't keep this to herself; if Eddie's at all struggling with Venom like this, she can't hope and pray he'll be able to keep the symbiote reined in.

If anything, it's a miracle he's been able to go this long, and there's no predicting what sort of incidents this place has in store for them in the future, or how that'll continue to break them down.

"What does he need? How can I help?"

"Nothing." he shakes his head and stares at her trying to keep his mind as blank as possible, "I just have to show him how to ride it out. Like The Crow you know man? Can't rain all the time."

He nods mutely, "I'm just trying to keep myself out in public. Hanging out with people. Even though I don't feel...like it I just feel like..."

Hunting, hiding in the forest, eating, foraging, that's what makes sense when you feel like this. Not being around people!

"...Try and understand Anne he's...he's never been depressed I don't think the aliens do things like that. They're not...they're not alone."

The thought is overwhelming a bit. Also appealing. Scarily appealing.

She looks at him, seriously, maintaining eye contact to help drive home her words.

"Well, neither of you have to go through this alone. I'm here, I know you've got other friends. Do you want me to come by once a day to check in?"

It's Eddie who catches Bobo's attention, changing his path and heading over to where Eddie sits. He's worried about the man, having not seen him about, and he wondered if he was one of those sent back as he's heard of about happening to others.

It's that dog, such as it is, in Eddie's arms that causes Bobo to come to a dead stop. He just stands there, all fur coat and glowering expression, staring at it.

"Eddie, if you're thinking to let Venom eat that, I don't think it's going to provide him much."

Okay it's an awful joke. Feel free to call him on that.

Venom stirred in him and something passes over his features before Eddie shakes his head violently.

"He's not gonna eat him. This is Toxin."

The creature wags his butt and Eddie presses his head to the creature's body, "Anne gave him to us. Venom is..."

Wow.

"...Not okay. Right now." He waves a hand lamely as Toxin digs into his body with a little whine and Eddie kisses the top of the creature's head before staring ahead, "We got hit hard when our band went back to teal."

He holds up his hand before staring at him, something vaguely inhuman in his gaze, "What're you doing here? Are you going out?"

The name earns a chuckle, figuring that not only does it fit the dog but suits Eddie's other companion well. Though he frowns at how Eddie is acting, the things he's saying. Frowning heavily as his head cants to one side, peering at him as if he can ferret out what the problem is.

"Whoa, what happened? I mean..." He can see that hint of him there just beyond Eddie's gaze but... "He's gonna be okay, right?"

Maybe he shouldn't want that. Maybe it would help Eddie to not have him, whatever it is he actually is, but that part of Bobo that is learning to bond again, it isn't sure that's good. For anyone.

"And you? I know I'm not exactly the most approachable asshole in this place, but if you need something? Ask."

Foggy has thoughts on the croc-dogs. They're ugly and horrifying but very friendly, which helps negate the sheer horrificness of them.

That, and the fact that Eddie looks like a cracked shell, clinging onto the bundle of puppy.

Foggy comes over to sit by Eddie, shifting in nice and close to put them shoulder to shoulder. "What have you named it?"

"Toxin."

The creature senses a friend - friend! Poking it's nose at him before budging up against the other man's chest - and crawling back to Eddie and Venom.

"V picked it out. Hey Foggy. How're things?"

"That's- a different name, but given Venom named it, maybe not surprising." All things considered.

Foggy doesn't mind the little monstrosity, letting it sniff his hand. "Yeah, not bad. Still plugging on. You look like you've had it a bit rough recently. Wanna talk about it?"

"Oh I'll be okay." He pauses, "...It-okay maybe not. Remember how I was an extra bad ass walking around with that artificial high in my brain? I..."

I CAN FIX IT YOU SHOULD LET ME-

"NO!- Venom NO! STOP IT."

The dog burrows into his chest and he closes his eyes, "...Venom has never been depressed before and it's profoundly frustrating for him so we're telling me."

Pause, "He's. Telling. Me. he's telling me that he can fix it. You know? I've lived with this since I was a kid and I'm good with it. I mean my dad was a huge dick, but I pulled myself out and I'm proud of it. He Doesn't get that."

He bares his teeth before squeezing the dog, "So I just gotta ride it out but it's harder to ride it out with an alien in your head. And it's hard because I'm thinking - What if I could? Like what if I could? but I worked really hard to get where I am. To manage it. It's a part of me."

"...That was a lot. Sorry that happens."

Foggy listens.

"It's okay. This is the stuff I always sort of wished Matty would come to me with and he never did." Foggy reached over and rested his hand on Eddie's forearm. "Changing the chemicals in your brain won't fix the source of the problems. I get that. You fought your way out of a crappy childhood and you've got every right to be proud."

"You hear that? V? Are you listening?"

his features twitch and His eyes glaze over to white. The croc dog curls up in his lap and Venom growls.

WE DON'T LIKE THIS. EDDIE IS SAD AND I'M SAD AND WE SHOULD BE STRONG. WE WERE DOING SO WELL. WE WERE AN IDEAL HOST AND NOT LOSERS.

Eddie shakes him out and squeezes the dog. The little creature whimpers but remains still. His features are kind, "...I needed to hear that, even if V doesn't. He's not happy. He's not even hanging out with 7. says he doesn't want her to see him "weak". S'kinda cute."

"Hey, Venom, listen to me, buddy." Foggy's moves his hand to try and soothe the animal, other moving to grip Eddie's arm. "Okay, being sad, having depression? That's not weakness and it's certainly not being a loser. Having sadness and depression and still doing things? Letting people know and get close? That's the strongest a person can be. Feeling nothing is weak. Feeling and still going on? That's strong. Reaching out to another? The hardest thing you can do."

He drops his hands away and looks away. "That's what my mom told me when I went to her."

Eddie stares at him before offering him the dog, a wiggling and squirmy mess grinning at him with its blunted nose.

".. You wanna talk about it?" His therapist said 'Help. Help when you see people need it and it'll help you.'

"Caue y'know I am a really good listener. It's kinda my job."

Foggy laughs and smiles. "Nah, it's fine, thanks. I'm not really a pet person. And it was years ago, back when I was in high school. Being a fat, pale queer kid wasn't actually as easy as it sounds."

"Well yeah."

He was popular-ish. Mostly because he was brazen enough to do anything for attention and affection.

"What I'm saying is, your struggles matter man."

He squeezes the dog, studying Foggy, "...You don't just have to be helping my sorry ass. Aren't you and Anne hanging out more?"

Foggy moved on, mostly. He has his times, like anyone, but the total darkness of his teen years has basically stayed back there. Mostly.

"No, I don't have to. And the fact that I'm friends with Anne doesn't preclude being friends with you and wanting to help you."

He drags his hands over his face and looks at him.

"...You play cards?"

It's out of left field a bit - and he raises his hand.

"I'm trying to teach Venom up here." He taps his head, "but I was thinking maybe just - to pass the time. Like a once a week thing, once a month thing. Or chess. Or. Y'know. Guy's night, game night."

"Not really... not with a blind friend, you know?" And everything about Foggy's life, for years, has been dominated by his relationship with Matt. "I mean, I know a few family games, but not much else. Snap, go fish, nothing you'd consider an adult game."

He feels bad not being able to prop that idea up more on a personal level. "But, there's a few soldiers here, and I bet they not only know how to play would love the chance to get together and do so. I know Jake and his house mate are ex-Special Forces or something. And Frank's ex-military."

"I'll teach you. Or hell we could play chess."

He laughed, "you know who got me into the habit? ...It was military guys I just..."

He deflates, "I need to...I need to do things that aren't thinking about women. Or Anne. Or Venom. Or just - killing things in the forest."

He laughs aloud again, "God I sound like Ted Bundy."

"Oh God, not chess. I hate chess."

Foggy laughs at the comment, as twisted as it is. "A tiny bit, yeah, but mostly like you're used to buying into toxic masculinity a bit. Tell me about Venom's friend, Seven was it?"

"...Fuck I've never even thought about it. Like I see it? I pay activists on twitter and do all that shit but..."

Hm.

"Seven. He likes her. Like like-likes her. It's kind of adorable. Slightly depressing because thinking about a love life when the alien inside of you has a crush on someone is ...depressing ab it but it's still cute.

Like seeing your sibling date you know? Ugh you're ahead of me."

"I don't think I've met her," he admits. "But I remember when Theo started to date, my little brother, and it was cute. Sort of warm fond that he was growing up. He was always more popular, better looking, but he's my little brother, I couldn't begrudge him being happy."

This wasn't a part of town North normally came through, mostly because there wasn't much point for him being around it. The dojo was on another path, and the house was a bit off from the inn and jailhouse which were the areas North actually went to in this part of town.

But he'd had a reason to be here, mostly checking in on the house the guy who ran the dojo disappeared from, trying to check in with his friends. When no one was there to talk to he'd come outside, and seen the man more or less across the way sitting on his porch.

Hey! Looks like that guy has a pet. Think we should introduce ourselves?"

It was about more than just the crocdog in the guy's lap, North knew that. Theta wasn't exactly able to hide things from him, just like North wasn't able to lie to his AI. No, what Theta was thinking was that this might be a good time for him to work through some of his nervousness over the creature and it's similarity to some of the more hostile alien species back in his time, in his war.

A potentially safe way to interact with one, compared to Vanille's, because this one was clearly safe in its master's lap.

North bites his lip nervously before heading across to the other house and offering the stranger on the porch a wave of his hand.

"Afternoon. Nice pet you got there. Mind if I say hello to it?"

Toxin let out a yip. The creature's snout isn't pointed quite yet - he's got a chubby round appearance that he seems intent on keeping before the creature grows sleek. Holding him out, Eddie keeps him firmly in his lap.

"His name's Toxin. Venom picked it out."

By this point he just assumes that everyone knows he's been fused with an alien, even if he hasn't seen the newcomer before, "...You must be new."

Strangely enough, that chubby roundness, the fact that the snout hasn't made it to the full point, that gives North an easier time with this. The resemblance that is there in passing when the things are more grown is a faint one here. Yeah, it's something he can deal with, and he keeps a smile in place as he reaches out to stroke the thing's head.

This is what a Kig-Yar might feel like, he thinks to himself briefly. Or a Sangheili.

Thoughts that are quickly shunted aside by Theta as 'unhelpful.'

"Toxin? Venom? Sounds like someone has a theme going on," he says softly, and soon he's pulling his hand back from the little creature. Yeah, he's definitely got a preference for furry things. No question. They are less... unnerving.

"I suppose new is a relative term. My name is North Dakota, and I've been here since about the start of February. I don't think we've had the pleasure before. Unless it was on the network."

"North Dakota?" He blinks, "Like the state?"

He's one to talk, "Full disclosure, I have an alien living inside me that you're probably going to meet sooner then later. Their name is Venom. We named the puppy."

Toxin wiggles and Eddie offers him, "You want to hold him?"

"Like the state. I get that a lot," North smiles as he considers Eddie instead. And then... Oh dear. He actually beams at Eddie to hear that. He can't say how others might react, but his smile is one of delight.

Finally, someone who might get it.

"Fully disclosure," he says, smile still in place as Theta's pleasure buzzes through his head. "I have an AI living inside my brain that is more than willing to have me ask questions or poke people on the network. His name is Theta. And he likes your puppy."

Wait... hold it? North can't help the moment of concern. That's really close. But...

Oh come on North. Please? I really want to hold it. We don't even know how much it weighs! It will be like Vasquez's puppy!

After a moment North nods and carefully takes the animal up into his hands, into his arms. Theta soon has figured out where the creature needs support the most, and does so, keeping it close to his body so it could benefit from his body heat.

Toxin is young, and Eddie likes hugs. The crocdog has learned to love affection and wiggles pleasantly before panting, blunted nose down at Eddie making little grumbling noises.

An AI? What is an AI? A robot? Like in terminator?!

"Wait when have you seen terminato-"

He stops and stares at North Dakota, "...An AI huh? Like...implanted in there? Can you take yours out?"

This is interesting. Something swims beneath his scrubs and Venom briefly peers out of Eddie's eyes before swimming back in. He coughs, rubbing at his eyelids before looking back at his new companion.

"Don't mind them -V does that."

North's familiar enough with animals to know how to shift his grip to better support the animal as it wiggles. Yeah, it definitely is a young animal, and he almost starts to think it's cute. Maybe.

"I used to be able to, but that's not possible anymore," North admits with a shrug. "He had a chip, it's gone now. I arrived here without it."

Of course he'd arrived post death but he doesn't note that it's definitely involved. A thought that is gone when he sees the motion.

Woah! There was something looking back at us! That was so cool!

"Don't worry. I've seen a lot of strange things in my life. And Theta found it pretty cool. I think he likes that he's not the only one sharing space."

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OTA: Trying to get back into the game (Feeling like you're losing the pieces)

House 17; thread will contain mentions of depression and suicidal ideation

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With the puppy

Re: With the puppy

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Crocdogs, Oh My

He's friendly!

yep but he looks something like a specialized race of pirates and snipers

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