jason todd } the red hood (
scathefires) wrote in
sixthiterationlogs2018-08-27 10:45 pm
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Entry tags:
come to my house, and we'll pick bones.
WHO: Jason Todd
WHERE: House 9
WHEN: Sometime before Actual Life Ruiner Tim Drake arrives.
OPEN TO: Stephanie Brown
WARNINGS: Probably talk of some unpleasant Dead Robins Club (tm) things.
WHERE: House 9
WHEN: Sometime before Actual Life Ruiner Tim Drake arrives.
OPEN TO: Stephanie Brown
WARNINGS: Probably talk of some unpleasant Dead Robins Club (tm) things.
Jason's still a little amazed Steph's taken him up on his offer to talk - or not talk, as the case may be. Even after Wonderland, even after making friends with Cissie and Jon, Jason isn't used to being someone people seek out for companionship ... or anything, really. But it's nice - if not talking, just being around someone else who knows Gotham and understands the existential peculiarities of finding yourself alive again after you've been killed.
Not really the sort of thing you can easily find a support group for, and Jason wouldn't be caught dead at a support group anyway. But he and Stephanie can be their own support group of sorts for each other, at least, even if neither of them calls or thinks of it as such.
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They’re not really here to talk about Jason’s diminished sense of self-worth, though, and Jason isn’t really sure that talking is going to solve anything, even if it’s a conversation about nothing. Actions speak louder than words, but there’s no action for him to take at the moment, so words may be the best he can do. Maybe the correct action here is to share some more of himself with Steph, give her something he doesn’t typically give most people. It’s not much, but it’s something he can do, and doing something is better than doing nothing.
“I used to get scared about being out in the open like this. Nowhere to take cover, y’know?” He shrugs, shifts to sit with a leg pulled up on the ledge, folded in front of him. “Old habits. I lived on the streets for a bit when I was a kid, after my parents were gone.” Before he crossed paths with Batman - that part goes without saying, so he doesn’t mention it. “Scavenged what I could, hustled when I had to. This place ... it kinda reminds me of that, in some ways.”
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"It's not the open spaces, it's just... I don't like being in the dark anymore. At least in-" my attic, she almost says, but realizes that sounds a little bad. "-my room, I can put the furniture away and stay by the window."
She takes a deep breath, not quite a sigh, and looks down into her lap. She can give a better explanation. She kind of owes it to him, and... he's killed people, right? Maybe he'll be able to help.
"There was a gang war," she begins, quietly, almost dully. "A bad one. City wide, state of emergency. The hospitals were so full they had to start turning people away. I saw plenty of ambulances turned over in the street. There were fires... at some point the power went out." She shivers a little thinking of that basement, of the generator, of being in a spotlight in the center of the room so that every time Sionis arrived it was out of the shadows.
But that's not really the reason she's here, not tonight. She may as well get on with it.
"I was looking for help," she decides after a moment's consideration. Better to go with a vague version of the truth than try to make something up that she might get confused later.
"I found a guy, Orpheus, who was supposed to have worked with Batman a few times. He was just turning to talk to me when... Black Mask cut his throat." She stares at the ground for a moment, eyes unfocused.
"I keep seeing his face. And feeling his blood on me." She rubs absently at her cheek, like it's still there on her.
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With a sickening knot of guilt settling hard in his stomach, Jason swears under his breath and rubs a hand over his face. Now more than ever, he's convinced he's right, that lunatics like Black Mask shouldn't be given a second chance to ruin lives, or a third, or a fourth. That familiar build of anger against Bruce and his stupid fucking moral line he refuses to cross sparks in his chest and sits there, blazing like a bonfire. Jason carefully climbs down from his perch and moves to take a seat closer to Steph on the stairs, mindful not to crowd her but close enough to signal his support.
"Steph ... I'm so sorry you saw that." His mouth purses into a tight frown, and he shakes his head. "You shouldn't've been in that position in the first place. Gang war, state of emergency - doesn't matter. Someone should've been there for you - someone should've stopped it before it got that bad."
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When he starts to talk about someone stopping it all, though, she starts to curl in on herself. He’s right. It never should have gotten that bad. It never should have happened at all. And all those people, not just Orpheus but every civilian she saw gunned down in the street, every gangster who was just some kid with no one else to rely on, all of those deaths are on her head.
“Yeah,” she agrees softly, nothing but guilt and grief in her voice. “Someone... should have stopped it.” She wishes there was someone else she could blame. Batman, for leaving the computer on. Alfred, for giving her space before making her leave. Tim’s dad, for making him quit and giving her the opportunity to be Robin in the first place. Even her own dad, for being such a shitty criminal that she could take him down herself and convince herself she could actually make a difference.
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“Hey,” he says, gently, “there’s nothing you could’ve done. Don’t blame yourself, OK? If you wanna blame someone, put the blame where it belongs.” Easier said than done, he knows that, and much easier said to someone else than himself.
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“You don’t know that.” There’s plenty she could have done. She could have just gone home like she was told, or found Batman and owned up to her mistake, or asked Cassandra for help, or never put a goddamned mask on in the first place. If she’d even just stayed put at Selina’s place, maybe Orpheus at least would still be alive. She was the distraction Sionis needed to catch the experienced fighter off guard. She was the selfish, immature, stubborn fucking idiot who started the whole mess in the first place.
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“You on the GCPD payroll? Or maybe forget to mention you’re Batman? ‘Cause I gotta say - if you are, you’re a lot shorter than I remember.” A joke, obviously; his mouth twists into a wry half-smile. Attempting to redirect using humor usually works for tense situations like this. “Point is, there’s people who’re supposed to protect people like you from crap like this, and they all failed you.” Hell, Jason counts himself among them; he would remember a gang war on a scale this big, so either they’re not from the same Gotham, or she’s from his future, and his choice to not take Black Mask out permanently had a hand in what happened to her. He assumes, naturally, that it’s the latter.
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"I don't believe that," he says, shaking his head as he folds his arms against his chest. "You're smart, Steph - I can tell, and anyone who's lived in Gotham knows you don't go looking for trouble unless you mean to find it. Now, I wasn't there and I don't know what all went down, but I don't need to know unless you wanna tell me all the details. Nothing you may or may not've done changes the fact that what's wrong with that city is bigger than you or me or - hell, even Batman. The conditions that led to that situation are a symptom of the sickness that has been left to fester for years - a lot longer than I've been alive." And part of the problem rests in the simple fact that - in Jason's mind - Batman doesn't understand that sickness, not the way Jason does, and without fully understanding it, you can't fix what's wrong with any real efficacy.
"Now, from what you've said, it sounds like you think you made a mistake, tracking down this Orpheus guy. And yeah, it's real screwed up that you had to watch him get murdered right in front of you, but that was Black Mask's doing, not yours. You were trying to help. And trying to help is never a mistake, Steph. Trust me." He was Robin, after all.
"So if you want someone to beat you up for whatever mistakes you think you've made - I dunno, you seem like you've got that pretty well handled all on your own. Y'don't really need my help, and honestly? I'm the last guy, on this planet or any other, who would."
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"What," she starts, but her voice is so weak and congested that she swallows and tries again.
"What if it wasn't a symptom. What if... if it was my doing."
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But maybe not. Steph's visible distress, the way her voice wavers - it all makes Jason's heart ache for her. Whatever terrible secret she's been carrying around with her must be eating her alive, and Jason understands that, too. He shifts on the steps, leaning slightly forward, fingers wrapped around the edge of the porch, his expression a mix of confusion and concern.
"What do you mean, 'your doing'? You didn't break Gotham, Steph - it's been broken for a really long time."
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“I- it was my fault. I started it. The gang war. It was me.”
There. She said it. Either he’ll hate her or he won’t. All she can do is wait and see.
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“How could you start a gang war?” he asks, scowling in confusion. Something isn’t adding up; there’s a vital missing piece he’s failing to grasp. “You assassinate any archdukes lately?”
Another attempt at humor, a default tactic Jason reaches for on this uncertain ground where he’s found himself. Still, he isn’t horrified or repulse by her confession - he remains seated on the stairs next to her, reaching for understanding.
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“I... stole a file off of Batman’s computer. I thought I knew what it was, but I was wrong,” she explains miserably. “I sent the messages where it said, to get every major gang leader in the city together for talks. And when they starting freaking out and shooting each other I just stood there and watched.” Like a fucking idiot, she thinks, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes as she remembers that particular shootout.
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Jason's mind applies the brakes at a sharp screech. There's still a piece of this story that's missing, and Jason thinks he knows what it is in that same wordless, instinctive way he knew he was dead before the timer on the explosives finished ticking down to zero. Rapid-cycling puzzlement and understanding fight for dominance in his expression as he stares at Steph with the picture of her witnessing all of the main gang leaders in Gotham gunning each other down lodged firmly in his mind.
"How did you get a file off Batman's computer?" For that matter, how did she get near Batman's computer? That thing's probably more secure than the Pentagon. "Steph - were you working with him?"
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“He... left me alone for a while, after he fired me?” She shouldn’t have done it. She should have gone home. But it was still logged in, and neither he nor Alfred seemed to care much what she did with herself at that point.
“I didn’t want to hide it from you, I just... I couldn’t. I’m sorry.” Now her shoulders start to shake with sobs that for now at least are silent.
“I’m so sorry. I’m—“ Stop, Steph.
She gives up on saving face and curls entirely into a tight ball of despair, the staff tied at her back pulling at her shirt as it moves.
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“And he let you die, too.”
He failed her. One more way she and Jason are alike, and the second he makes that connection, any anger he might’ve felt for her concealment of the entire truth from him immediately dissipates, swallowed up in the wave of intense sympathy that overtakes him. He can’t be angry with her over this, with how genuinely miserable she looks and sounds.
Jason doesn’t know if she’ll appreciate the comfort he can try to offer her, but he knows when he was in a similar situation, it’s what he would’ve wanted, so he takes a gamble. Carefully, with a murmured c’mere, he shifts closer toward her and gently wraps his arms around her to collect her in a sideways hug.
“I’m gonna punch his teeth in if I ever see him again,” he says over the top of her shoulder. How dare Bruce abandon her like this. The desire to protect her blazes hot in his chest, a concurrent rhythm with the beat of his heart.
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She hesitates only a moment, but the offered hug is a very clear message. He isn't angry, or disgusted, or even disappointed in her. All of the emotion she's been pushing down for weeks comes surging to the forefront. Her shredded confidence, the guilt, the injustice of it all, the desperate fear that she could never be forgiven, all so carefully tucked underneath the fear and anger leftover from being so thoroughly physically beaten-- all of it rises to the surface in that one simple moment.
Another sob escapes her before she turns to press her face into his shoulder. She clings to him like a life-preserver as she starts to sob in earnest, loud and unrestrained. She even carefully keeps her chin tucked so that his shirt might at least be saved some of the soaking her face is getting.
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There's so much Jason doesn't know about her, but he still feels closer with Steph than anyone else he can remember. Their similarities weigh heavily on his heart, but it's a weight he is content to accept. One hand gently presses against the back of her head, and the other slides across the back of her shoulders to reassure her that he's not going anywhere.
"I've got you, Steph."
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At long last she pulls a little away to start trying to dry her face. She only has so much to work with and has no choice but to start using her shirt as a tissue.
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“You didn’t have to hide that from me, y’know.” It’s said gently - not scolding her, because Jason assumes the reason she didn’t say anything to him before now is because he must’ve given her the impression he wouldn’t understand, because surely he did something to make her think he was unapproachable. He offers her a faint, rueful smile. “If anyone would understand what all that’s like, it’s me.”
He’s lived with Bruce, worked by his side night after night, loved and admired and hated him, been hurt by him like no one else in his life has managed to hurt him. Maybe Jason hadn’t been fired like Steph was, but they were both abandoned.
“I’m serious about punching his teeth in, by the way.” Jason makes a fist and mimes a slow right hook at the air in front of him, whispering pow! for comedic effect when he brings his fist to a halt.
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"If I told you he was training me I knew I'd have to tell you the rest. And if I told you the rest..." She looks down and away. The shame is still there, a weight like an anvil pressing on her chest. Just because Jason doesn't hate her for what she did doesn't mean no one will.
"I was afraid you'd hate me. I hate me."
She looks up again when he starts talking about punching Batman in the teeth, and expression of mixed amusement and concern on her face.
"It isn't his fault, you know. If I'd just gone home like he told me none of this would have happened. And it's not like he knew I was in trouble. No one did."
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He knows that feeling of hating yourself for making a mistake and living - or not - with the consequences, though. It's all too familiar, a bitter tang of bile in the back of his throat every time his thoughts stray to his own death, his arrogance in thinking he could take the Joker on all by himself. If he'd only been smarter, more patient, less impulsive -
But there's no changing the past, is there. And now they both have to live with their respective aftermaths, try to find a way to cope and continue living with the damages done.
"Steph, wearing a mask and fighting crime isn't a business. Batman's not some CEO at a board meeting." Bruce Wayne, maybe, but not Batman, and maybe that's the problem, an area where one mask bleeds through the other. "He can't just fire someone 'cause they're not doing what he wants. There's a responsibility to look out for people in what he does - not just the people on the street, but his own people, too. You. Me." Barbara. Tim. His own son, Damian. "Working with him comes with risks, but he still has a responsibility to do what he can to protect us, and he didn't. That's what I mean when I say he let you die. If he hadn't fired you - if he'd worked with you instead of shutting you out and throwing you to the wolves, maybe he could've prevented what happened to you."
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"That was the deal I agreed to," she counters distractedly. Batman can definitely fire you if you're training to be Robin. "Break the rules, no more Robin."
Ah, there it is. 'Shutting you out.' That was exactly what he did. Even as Spoiler she'd had ways of getting in touch with Oracle or Robin if she really needed to. But Tim wasn't Robin anymore, she'd been cut off from Oracle's comm line and running into Batgirl just ended in more insistence that she go home.
She died alone, unwanted, unmissed, but wasn't that only because Batman had erased her from his vigilante community? They didn't know she was in trouble, but should they have known she was missing? Should they at least have kept track of her? It wasn't like they didn't know her, didn't know that she was going to be a vigilante with or without Batman's approval. So why wasn't anyone looking for her? Why hadn't Oracle at least gotten in touch with her?
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The belief that Bruce did her an incredibly disservice and the understanding of the parallels between his story and Steph's solidify in his mind like quick-dry cement. He laughs - quiet, dry, bitter. "How many of you are there, anyway? What, did he set up some kind of school for plucky young sidekicks-in-training?"
There's more that he wants to say, more sharp words that want to slice at his tongue while they spill out of his mouth, but Jason clamps his jaw shut with a heavy breath out and drops his face into his open hands. It's not Steph's fault that Bruce replaced him with other Robins. He's not angry with her - he's angry it happened. His fingers push up into his hair, tightly curled while he waits for the flicker of anger at the base of his spine to fade.
"Sorry," he whispers, finally pulling his fingers out of his hair and clasping his hands together in front of him. "I'm just - so pissed at him."
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"How can you be mad at him," she asks, only a touch of desperation in her voice. She's used up most of her emotion for the night, she guesses.
"I'm the one that practically destroyed the city."
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"Because I died," he says, "and he didn't care. It's like I didn't matter at all." Jason closes his eyes and inhales a deep, steadying breath. "Y'know, the first Boy Wonder, he left. Moved on to doing something else. But me? I get beat to a bloody pulp and blown up, and Batman didn't do a damn thing to the maniac who did it." He took me away from you. It's been months, and Jason still clearly remembers just how fragile his own voice sounded speaking those words. An all-too-familiar stinging sensation that heralds tears pricks at his eyes, and Jason unclasps his hands to rub the heel of his palm against one closed eye, then the other. Another deep breath in, and he opens his eyes again and turns his head to Steph.
"If it'd been the other way around - if someone took him out, I would've stopped at nothing to find whoever was responsible and make sure they never got the chance to do it again. But not only did he not stop the Joker, permanently, he just ... replaced me." And that's a fresh wave of hurt that he'd only learned about in Wonderland, because whoever became Robin after Jason either hadn't been chosen yet or had already come and gone.
"He just picked someone else to take my place, some other kid to be a soldier in his damn war, and - I mean, did he even tell you about what happened to me, or whoever was unlucky enough to be Robin number three? Or was it just like - 'Here, your number's up, time to strap on the cape and tights now'?"
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She wants to reach out to him, but isn't really sure what would be appropriate. The only guy she's ever had to comfort was her boyfriend. She settles for a hand on his knee.
"No, but I wasn't allowed to ask about that kind of thing. I kind of just... barged in and said 'hey, I'm Robin now'. But I know whenever I brought it up before that nobody wanted to talk about it. For O at least it seemed like it was just too soon." Batman never wanted to talk about anything, and Tim was always so careful about what he'd share with her.
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So much for that. Bruce made his stance perfectly clear back in Gotham, and every day since, Jason's tried to tell himself that it shouldn't have been a surprise, but that mental mantra does nothing to soothe the sting of the truth.
"So - what, you're saying you volunteered? You weren't recruited for this gig? And he didn't tell you anything about the Robins before you?" Jason shakes his head in disgust. "That sounds pretty damn irresponsible to me."
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"I was kinda sorta dating the last Robin? And his dad found out about his extracurricular activities, so I knew there was, you know, an opening." And she took advantage of her boyfriend's problems at home. It was not her finest moment, but she never did seem to be her best around Tim. He had a way of getting in her head without even meaning to.
"I'd worked with him before as Spoiler, so it's not like we didn't know each other. In so far as anyone knows Batman."
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"So ... you were doing the whole capes and masks thing on your own already." But he doesn't have to ask why she'd give that up in favor of being Robin, because he remembers how thrilling it felt to put on those colors for the first time: This is the best day of my life. "Spoiler's not a bad name. Hell of a lot better than Condiment King, at least." He offers her a small grin over that.
The bit about dating the previous Robin is interesting, too. "Which one were you dating? Was it Tim, or Damian?" Jason didn't really get to know Tim or Damian well enough for dating talk, but he's guessing it wasn't Damian, because not only was the boy he met way too young for dating, his personality was far too abrasive.
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"Thanks." Batman liked her codename too. She was pretty proud of it, considering she hadn't given too much thought to what to call herself when she first put it on. She hadn't intended to keep it up any more than she intended to be caught leaving clues to sabotage her father.
"Tim," she answers simply, glancing up at him with mild surprise. Were they supposed to be talking codenames like this? Well, if she had permission...
"Is Damian Nightwing?"
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In Jason's mind, it's complete bullshit that Steph had been given the uniform while having the information about the previous Robins withheld from her. They're not in Gotham, and even if anyone else is eavesdropping on their conversation, there's not much anyone can do with that information. If she was part of Batman's team, she deserves to know who was behind those masks.
"No, Damian's Robin, too," he answers, with a shake of his head. "Son of Batman, and a real jerk about it. Guessing he gets that from his dad. Maybe he's after your time - he knew who I was, but I'd never heard of him. Nightwing's Grayson - first Robin, before me." Jason's mouth flattens into a tight frown. His feelings about Dick have always been complicated.
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“I wouldn’t worry about it,” she assures him with some amusement. “The first time I met him I hit him in the face with a brick.” And that had worked out really nicely for them. She misses him. She misses being comfortable around him, meshing, not arguing or hiding things from each other.
“Grayson,” she repeats, committing the name to memory. “And Damian. I never really got the chance to talk to Nightwing. I heard a lot about him from Tim, though. Seems like they’re pretty close.” So Grayson is probably nice enough. Probably. She wonders what he’d think of her now. Come to think of it, she wonders what he thought when he found out she was pregnant. Barbara never brought it up but there’s no way they didn’t know about it.
“So... Batman has a kid?” She’s skeptical for obvious reasons.
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That glimpse of mirth is fleeting; Jason’s expression sours when Steph reveals that Tim and Dick are close. It’s not terribly surprising - Tim’s an amicable enough kid, and hadn’t he called Dick a friend when he’d introduced himself to Jason, back in Wonderland? Not surprising in fact, but undeniably and unexpectedly painful to think that the Robin who succeeded him was better liked by the original Boy Wonder.
Dick hadn’t always been enthusiastically accepting of Jason as his own successor to the stoplight-colored uniform, and Jason felt like he had too much to prove from underneath Dick’s shadow to allow him any real degree of closeness. Jason liked to pretend he didn’t care what anyone thought of him, but in his own estimation, he always came up short in comparison to Bruce’s golden boy. If he could see he was an inferior Robin, certainly so could Dick, and that thorn of self-doubt never truly worked its way out of his heart.
Luckily, Steph’s question pulls Jason from his thoughts before he can fall too far down that rabbit hole. “Yeah, apparently,” he affirms, with a light shrug. “I didn’t get too many details out of him, so I dunno who his mom is. The few times we talked, he was a little more interested in cramming as many insults as he could manage into every breath.”
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"Somehow that sounds appropriate." Batman may have been quieter about it, but he could be terribly cruel.