sixthiterationlogs | I wish I wasn't always wrong

Entry tags:

I wish I wasn't always wrong

WHO: Stephanie Brown
WHERE: The roof of the Inn
WHEN: Evening 8/4
OPEN TO: Kat
WARNINGS: Depression, domestic abuse

After her near-miss with Vergil Steph left the party, first to take shelter in the trees where she could remain unseen, then cautiously up to the roof of the inn. From there, she figured, she could watch the comings and goings without anyone noticing or trying to talk to her.

High places were safe. In a tree or on a roof she could see people coming, and anyone who tried to come up after her would soon find that she was far better at getting out of such places than they could hope to be getting up into them.

So she hid, and she sulked. She wasn't really upset that Vergil might be mad at her- he always seemed angry about one thing or another, and it never seemed to keep him from talking to her. What upset her was the knowledge that she had taken a risk and it had gone poorly. If they had been in private there was no telling what might have happened, and with only a few small knives to defend herself she didn't have much faith in her ability to win that fight.

So she had fucked up. Again. It started a spiral that she didn't care enough to pull herself out of. It was only a matter of time until she fucked up again. Maybe next time people would get hurt. Maybe next time she would get hurt. She shouldn't have let her guard down. She shouldn't have tried to make friends in the first place. What was the point? Sooner or later they would all realize what a screw-up she really was.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Steph?" Kat's voice was soft and private.

She had taken care of Vergil first, if only because she hadn't wanted to risk someone else coming across him in his tense state and then immediately came searching for Stephanie. She couldn't have known Vergil's true nature, he never let anyone see it, and he had never had to worry about being set off. People were stupid in the city but no one had ever jumped on his back. If they had... they would have instantly been stabbed.

Kat thanked the sun and moon that Vergil hadn't had his sword. Stephanie was the first girl that Kat had ever felt a kinship with and she didn't want to see her get hurt.

She spotted a foot on top of the roof and nothing more but she had a pretty good idea that it might be Steph. "Stephanie?" She called again, her voice now directed towards the shoe.

Steph was half tempted to just ignore the voice, let Kat wander around and just fail to find her.

She sighed. Kat was a decent person, and she didn't deserve to be upset by what happened earlier. Steph needed to deal with her shit, and she didn't want to drag other people down in the process.

"Up here," she called out, aware of how tired her voice sounded even to her. "Just a second." She dragged herself to her feet and looked over the edge for a clear route down.

"I'll come up."

Before Stephanie could argue, Kat was slowly making her way up the pile of wood next to the inn and onto the roof. It was a little bit of a struggle to lift herself up but she managed it well enough. Kat was in shape but she wasn't a trained climber.

She exhaled as she settled next to Stephanie, pulling her legs to her chest so she'd be out of sight from below.

"How are you?"

Steph opened her mouth several times to offer help as she watched Kat clamber up onto the roof, but she did manage to sort it out herself. So Steph shrugged and settled back into her seat, arms wrapped around her knees.

"I'm fine," she answered with a grumpy snap that belied her mood.

"I don't believe you."

Kat wrapped her arms around her knees as her gaze focused on Stephanie. She wouldn't push or pry too much but she wanted to make sure that the girl was okay. Vergil was a difficult person to handle and get close to... even on his good days.

She let the silence linger for a second before continuing. "It isn't your fault. Vergil doesn't like being touched though it's for different reasons than what you might think. He values space and usefulness and he means well, even if he doesn't know how to say it." Kat didn't want to mention that Stephanie would have been dead if Vergil had access to his sword... that didn't help the point that she was trying to make here.

Her response to that disbelief was just to look pointedly away. She didn’t have the energy to keep up a ‘fine’ charade.

The explanation didn’t really help matters, but it didn’t hurt them either. She kicked idly at the shingle under one foot.

“Yeah, whatever. It’s Vergil, right? It’s always something with him.” That’s why it was so stupid for her to have let her guard down. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Not just him." Kat didn't know everything but her experiences had taught her that blame was a two way street and the situation wasn't ever black and white. The world was filled with fuzzy shades of gray and uncertain lines that would wash away with the tide.

"Stephanie." She paused for a fraction of a second before continuing in a softer voice. "Why did you do that? Has Vergil ever made it seem like something like that is okay?" She didn't think Stephanie's behavior had been natural but she also didn't know if Vergil had done something that made it seem like it was okay.

Part of getting close to people was getting to know them, reading them, and learning about them.

"I was having fun. I thought we were having fun." She shrugged defensively. That was just her way of playing. And besides that, they had been dancing. He was obviously okay with some physical closeness, at least with Steph. She actually kind of thought they were friends. And maybe they would have been, if she hadn't made an ass of herself.

That thought just made her angry again, and she reached down to pick at a broken piece of shingle.

"I know you were just trying to make me feel better," she explained with not a small amount of bitterness. "The thing is, Kat, it is my fault. I let my guard down and I took a stupid risk. That's the kind of mistake that gets people killed."

A bit of the asphalt shingle came off in her hand, and she threw it violently into the distance.

Kat exhaled and sat back against the singles. She felt the hard material bite uncomfortably into the back of her thigh but ignored it. "You're right. I'm sorry." She had been approaching Stephanie like a child and she shouldn't have. It was hard for her to know what to say. She didn't know Stephanie very well but she knew Vergil.

"Stephanie. There are so many things I can't tell you. So many things that I don't want anyone to know. I want Vergil to have a fresh start here." She looked down at her hands as uncertainty began to gnaw at her core. She wanted Vergil to find his humanity here.

"You can't trust him Steph." Kat turned back towards Stephanie, her dark green eyes pained and hurt. "Not right now. Maybe one day but..." She loved Vergil but he wasn't a man that anyone should trust. "But he needs friends. People to teach him what it means to be friends." Kat couldn't do that. She was already something else in his life and she couldn't be his friend.

Steph met her eyes for only a moment, jaw set with her anger at herself and a different kind of hurt in her own green-gray eyes. Then she looked away again, both arms wrapped around her knees once more.

"I don't trust him," she insisted, with all the same bitterness. "I don't trust anybody. I don't even trust myself anymore." She hated feeling this way. It didn't line up with the idea she had of herself in her mind. It was like the pieces of her she had left weren't adding up to a whole person anymore.

"I don't think I can help you, Kat. All I ever seem to do is make things worse."

Kat bit back another apology. She wasn't making anything better and she didn't have the practice to know what to say next. She had spent so much of her time away from people that it was hard for her to connect with them.

"I think you can but I've been accused for having too much hope." Dante had said something along those lines to her. "Stephanie. Why don't you trust yourself? You're so angry, I can see it. What happened? Are you really mad at yourself?"

She couldn't imagine anything being Stephanie's fault.

Steph was quiet for a moment, clenching and unclenching her fists as she made a difficult decision. Maybe if she told, just a little bit, Kat wouldn't want to be her friend anymore. And maybe that was for the best. Maybe she just shouldn't have friends at all.

"I was trying to help," she began slowly, "and I made things worse. And a lot of people died. Probably..." She swallowed thickly, trying to force the images of gunshots and fire out of her head.

"Probably hundreds. Because I fucked up."

Kat wasn't a harsh judge in character. She'd seen the world and its darkness and knew that sometimes bad things happened to good people with good intentions. Stephanie didn't hurt people on purpose or torture them. Kat doubted that there was anything that she could say that would make Kat want to avoid her.

Silence hung in the air between them before Kat spoke again.

"People die Stephanie. It's sad but it happens. We all mess up and we all miss things we should have noticed but that's why we fight for something better. A better world or bettering ourselves."

Kat made it sound so easy. Like it might actually feel good, to put on a mask and pick up where she left off. But all the good intentions in the world couldn't erase what she did or what she'd seen.

Her anger died away, crushed under the weight of guilt and grief. How could she fight to be better when she could barely fight to get through the day?

"I don't know if I can," she finally admitted, quietly. Being weak was at least a full tier less shameful than starting a gang war.

"Vergil knows this, but... the way I died? It wasn't an accident. And it wasn't... fast, either." She had a long time to think about her mistakes, when she could manage coherent thoughts at all.

"I never used to be so scared all the time." She rubbed a few tears away with her arm before going on.

"Even when I knew it would kill me, I went down fighting. Now all I can think is 'run'. My body might be all in one piece again, but I'm still broken."

Kat listened and waited for a long lull before speaking. "Vergil saved me from my demon. My adopted father, he abused me and in the end, he wanted to kill me. I hadn't realized it at the time but I had the power to wander into Limbo and I did it in my sleep. It used it as a way to escape what he'd been doing to me but it was far more dangerous in Limbo than it was in my bed room." She paused, her fingers picking at the hem of her dress.

"I know what it feels like to be weak. Vergil, he was the one to help me kill my adopted father. He made me feel strong." He had only done that because he needed her abilities but Kat didn't care. She owed Vergil so much. "It's not easy to get back up again and until you feel strong, it's okay to lend strength from others."

Not Vergil, likely, but Kat wasn't planning to leave Stephanie.

"It's okay to take your time. I'll be here. No matter what you did or what's happened to you, I know you're strong Stephanie. I can see it."

Without the slightest hint of either judgment or pity Steph felt a little adrift. It was like missing a step, finding yourself in the air those precious moments before gravity took over.

Until then, Steph listened with a sympathetic ear. She certainly couldn't judge the woman for killing somebody, not when she herself had been within inches of killing her blood father. Some people needed to die. Maybe Arthur Brown wasn't one of those people, but maybe Kat's dad was.

She very badly wanted to hug her friend, or break down in tears, or both. Instead she offered her hand for Kat to hold.

The man that Kat was talking about was a literal demon from hell. He wasn't human and didn't deserve the second changes that were normally given to humans. He was what he was and he enjoyed unleashing pain upon others. Kat didn't feel sad or conflicted about killing him.

"I'm sorry." She wanted to reach for Stephanie's hand. She really did but it was harder when she was talking about it. "I didn't mean to put that on you but I do understand."

Kat scooted a little closer, even if they weren't touching. "You aren't alone here. You're my friend." Which was a new concept for Kat.

Steph took back her rejected hand and hugged her knees tighter to herself. She was still crying, but she held back any sobs. Her voice was thick with it.

“After all this, you don’t have to apologize to me. I don’t deserve a friend like you with what I’ve done.”

Kat felt bad for not reaching out to Stephanie but it's been so much lately. She wasn't used to this much touching and it made her a little uncomfortable. In time, it wouldn't be an issue but she's only known Stephanie for a week or so.

"I've never really had a friend before." She looked over at Stephanie with a sad smile. "Not like you. I'm happy to call you me friend. If I'm still allowed too." Kat would drop the subject if Stephanie wished it but she wanted them to stay friends. It was rare for Kat to find someone like her who she could talk to so openly.

At least Steph understood why, better now she suspected than she did earlier that day. It wasn't a silent judgment, just Kat needing space.

She sniffled as she looked up with a shaky smile of her own and nodded.

"Yeah, 'course. 'Probably even call Vergil a friend, if you can be friends with someone you don't trust."

Kat smiled though the expression was short lived. "I think you can but that just might be me." Her fingers picked gently at the hem of her dress. She wasn't the kind of person who fidgeted a lot but she hadn't really had anyone to talk to about Vergil.

"It's strange. Being here." Her eyes were studying the roof top as she spoke. "I'm not sure how to act or what to do. I've always had a goal. Vergil and I had anyway. Now, things are different."

She wasn't sure that she liked it.

“Your revolution, right?” Her voice was still thick, but she clung to the change in subject. She turned to look at Kat, resting her head on her knees.

“I wish I could say I relate, but I’m tired of causes.” She considers for a moment though. Maybe it’s like Cass, who was raised from birth to be a fighter and nothing else, not even learning to speak. Surely Cass has trouble adjusting to people who would talk to her and treat her kindly.

“You might just need time. Keep struggling along until something works, you know?”

"I know."

She rested her chin against her knees as she stared out at the world beyond the inn. Kat loved the trees here and the untamed nature of the wild life that moved around them. It was so different from what she knew. "I'm tired too. I just wish I knew of another way to live." Vergil had told her to stop leaning on him and Kat worried that she didn't know how to do that.

She had never done well on her own.

"Can I ask, what is it that you fought for in your city?"

She turned her head upright again with a frown, resting her chin on her knees the same as Kat. She probably shouldn't have gone into this, but for better or worse she trusted Kat. At least, she trusted Kat not to rely on her skills more than she had to.

"Justice, I guess, as lame as that sounds. To protect people. Gotham's such a dangerous place, and I- we- did the best we could." She could feel tears welling up again, but she ignored them. I just wanted to help.

"My dad was a criminal, a bank robber mostly, and just a really crappy person. But he kept getting released from prison, and it looked like he was finally getting smart enough to avoid the cops altogether. I wanted him out of the house, out of our lives. So I followed him, and stopped him, and made sure he got arrested. Then I just kept doing it."

"That doesn't sound lame." It wasn't so different from what the Order had done in Limbo City. They fought for the people who couldn't fight themselves. They tried to stop shipments of soda's laced with mind altering drugs. They were called terrorists for it.

"Do you want to keep helping Stephanie?"

It was probably a simple question with a simple answer but it felt a lot more complicated than that. Helping anyone usually meant risking yourself. It took strength or sometimes stupidity to take that risk and she wondered if Stephanie had the strength to do it. She didn't think that she was stupid, she knew what it meant to help others, but also didn't think that Kat was the kind of person who could sit on the sidelines and do nothing.

It was a complicated question, and it got a complicated answer.

"I don't know. I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me. And... I'm afraid if it comes down to it I won't be able to trust my instincts. I can't fight, not like I am now. I guess that's sort of the same as wanting to help." She shrugged without moving her head from her knees.

"Then learn to fight and help in a new way." She wrapped her arms a little tighter around her legs. "I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I'm not good at fighting." Kat didn't really like violence. "But maybe I can help?"

Maybe then she can learn how to stop depending on Vergil for so much.

She chuckled, though there wasn't much life to it.

"I think we're using the word 'fight' in too many ways." She sighed, still wracking her brain.

"I guess... I've been living off those community lunches, and I feel bad for not contributing back."

"Yeah. I guess we are." It was getting a little confusing.

Kat glanced over at Stephanie and nodded her head. "Same. I come to the inn every day for lunch but I don't know what I can possibly do to contribute." Most of her talents were in subterfuge. She was going to help Vergil clean and garden but she didn't think that either of those skills were useful at the inn.

"Is there something that you want to do?" Maybe they could do something together.

She shrugged.

"I don't really see myself gardening, but I was thinking I might start venturing out a little more. Forage some, maybe give hunting another try. Trapping didn't work out so good for me but, uh..." She reaches into her pocket to pull out a throwing knife.

"I found these in the store room. So that might make it easier."

Kat was silent for a moment, sorting through her thoughts before turning to face Stephanie.

"What traps have you tried?" That was more geared towards her skill set and there was a slim possibility that she might be able to help Stephanie as well as herself. "A better question to ask, would be if you're willing to help me learn how to use knifes and I'll help you use traps. I haven't used traps like these before but I know a bit about it already." She's fairly sure that she can figure out the parts that she didn't know.

This was easier to talk about than uncertain friendships, abandoned duties, failed efforts and lost loves. It was doing something, giving them both a tangible goal that they could work towards.

She hums thoughtfully, turning the blade over in her hand.

"I could teach you some. I know more about throwing knives than close combat- we used blunt weapons for that.

"The problem I had with traps was, you know, killing a trapped furry critter? And before the knives all I had was rocks, and it was..." She makes a face. "Unpleasant. I figure this way I can shoot from a distance, or at least make it a quick death."

Edited (I SAID SHIFT NOT ENTER) 2018-08-21 01:20 (UTC)

"There are ways to kill things quickly and painlessly." She didn't know if she could offer Stephanie much more but she'd be interested in learning how to throw knives; anything that might allow her to help Vergil and those at the inn.

"I also think that if you trap live things and bring them to the inn someone else can do the rest."

If it made her very uncomfortable.

"I can always give it another go," she admitted with only mild reluctance. She was still thinking about the terrified squirrel she couldn't bring herself to bludgeon.

"Or become a vegetarian. Either-or."

"Either-or." Kat agreed with a slight curve to her lips that could almost be mistaken as a smile. "I might ask those who work in the kitchen if they have someone who preps meat. I don't know what to do to an animal after it's dead."

Her go to method of dealing with dead animals was, cook it and then sort it out what was eatable.

Steph makes a face.

“Yeah, that might be a little much for me. I really am a city kid at heart.”

"Let's not do that then."

Kat thoughtfully looked out from their perch on the roof. "How about you teach me about knife throwing and I owe you one?" It was easier than trying to figure anything else out right now and Kat liked spending time with Stephanie.

“Deal.” Steph smiled at her friend, even if Kat wasn’t looking. It reminded her of talking with Cass for the first time. I’ll teach you to read if you teach me how you did that move.

“Hey, thanks for talking with me. It helped.”

"I'm glad." Her expression softened. "I'm not sure what the easiest way off this roof is but I should probably get going. I need to find some blades if you're going to teach me."

Which possibly might mean raiding the inn's supplies.

"I can show you. Just do what I do."

That would be much more bearable than watching the poor girl struggle her way down the hardest route possible. She rolled to her feet and began the climb down, moving slowly and with obvious intent so that Kat could follow along.

Kat watched as Stephanie moved down the side of the inn and then mimicked the motions. She wasn't skilled but she was in shape and she was good at following another's lead. It wasn't to hard and she thought that she could get up and down again with less difficulty than before.

Her feet landed on the grass with a soft thud. "Thanks."

"No problem," Steph responds, waving off the thanks.

"Good night, Kat." She would probably head back to the roof and muse for a time.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I wish I wasn't always wrong

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: hunting talk

cw: hunting talk

cw: hunting talk

cw: hunting talk

cw: hunting talk

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject