sixthiterationlogs | My last night here with you? Maybe yes, maybe no.

Entry tags:

My last night here with you? Maybe yes, maybe no.

WHO: Rinoa Heartilly
WHERE: Rinoa and now only Nida's place
WHEN: 12/6, night
OPEN TO: Closed to Nida
WARNINGS: None, just sads

Rinoa started the day in a good place. She was starting to get a real sense of the village, if not anywhere beyond it, but she helped clean dishes at the inn and sat by the fountain for a time. She was reading one of the books from the schoolhouse, How to Garden, because if they were still there in the spring she wanted to learn how. She knew other people had their own, and had peeked into the greenhouse a few times, but she liked to lay things out properly in her mind before doing anything.

After enough time passed, she came back to a marvelous surprise! A gift of the necklace with both her and Squall's rings on it, and she was so happy she nearly cried. Rinoa put it on immediately and went out to find him. She knew he would be just as glad to see them back. She spent hours looking for him. She went to all of the places he normally was. She asked around to see if anyone saw him. She messaged him privately on their little devices to see where he was. She started to get worried something happened to him, but then it struck her like a blow to the stomach.

Late that night, when she'd walked farther than ever before but still had to come back, she came home. Rinoa didn't take off her boots or hang her coat like she always did. She sat down in the living room area, playing with the necklace with one hand, and stared at the wall. She had no idea how much time passed that way.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

The day had been long and productive. There had been a nice bit of wood chopping to calm his head in the morning--the hard work cleared his mind which was always the worst to deal with in the morning. Some walking the boarders of town because he wanted to be familiar with it if he was going to join up with the watch(because he was eventually going to find this large gray man with horns Altair had mentioned). Lunch at the inn, an afternoon spent foraging around where he could, and then...

Coming home to find it no where near as neat as it was when he normally came. Normally if someone was home their shoes were set aside, their coats were up, they made sure to be comfortable. But when Nida looked and he found Rinoa on the couch still in her coat, still in her boots, not looking at anything...?

Something had happened, and he carefully toed off his boots, put up his coat, and moved to Rinoa. Instead of sitting by her he knelt by her. Yes, he could see the necklace, the rings. He knew the importance of that. She would have given Squall his immediately.

"Rinoa," he said, kneeling and reaching up to lay a hand on her knee. It was an ideal position to show yourself as non-threatening. "Rinoa, what happened?"

Rinoa didn't hear him come in. She was so absorbed into this nothing place she was in, so it took until the second time he said her name to look up. It was like looking at him snapped her out of it, and she blinked a few times, looking down at herself. Oh, she tracked some dirt in the house, and she hadn't fed Julia yet. Of course coming back to herself meant she remembered again what happened, and her dazed expression crumbled into sorrow.

"Squall. He's just ... it happens. They say it happens. I looked everywhere. I tried to get a hold of him." She went to unsafe locations and put herself at risk just in case she could find it, but she also knew Squall. He would have warned her. They were a team now. He wouldn't leave her in the dark ever again, he promised. "They say sometimes people disappear, like the people who brought us here don't want them anymore." Or yes, it was possible he was missing or dead, but Rinoa wasn't going there. She'd almost take missing over this, because maybe then he could be found, but no. No.

Her eyes welled up and her throat started to close, and she couldn't stop the tears even if she wanted to. "Squall's gone."

There was so much grief in her eyes, in her voice. He could hear it with every word and see it in the tears that were yet to fall. But he understood the implication before she said the two words he didn't want to hear. He rose then, twisting around so he could sit next to Rinoa on the couch. And one he was next to her, he wrapped his arms around her in a hug.

If she could give him one in welcome when he wasn't sure he had warranted it, he could most definitely spare one in her grief. Perhaps he even needed himself. He'd looked to Squall for guidance while he was here, for something resembling sanity. And now...

"He wouldn't go if he could help it," Nida promised her, voice soft, trying to be comforting. "And I've seen how he fights for you, Rinoa. You know he'll do everything in his power to get back to you. Always has and always will."

Rinoa took the hug without complaint, leaning into him and sucking what comfort she could out of the simple act of kindness. She knew that not everyone was comfortable with her physicality, so it was appreciated. She felt like someone had ripped a fundamental part of herself - her body, not just her heart- away, and in essence they had. So much of her life recently was wrapped up in Squall, here and before. He was the one that made everything better.

"I know, I know he would. It's not his fault." But he had no choice, neither of them did. Was this their fate? To keep having the happy ending they fought for given and then snatched away? It felt like it was. "He fought for six years to get back to me, never giving up for a minute." And Rinoa loved him so much, because she always thought she was the one who gave more, who loved more, but no. He went above and beyond what she expected. She swore to herself when he explained what happened to him that she would always have the same level of devotion. No matter what.

She just hoped that didn't include six years without him now.

"I don't know where he goes from here." Rinoa was letting the tears flow, sniffing. "I don't know if he goes back to that awful world he told me about, when he's not sure if he'll ever get home. Or if he does go home, somehow. Or if he's nowhere, I don't know where he is."

Was it even worth it to consider all those possibilities? Training told him that he really shouldn't, that it would only drive you mad. But Rinoa wasn't a mercenary, she didn't do things the way he did. She couldn't. It wasn't part of who she was.

"Then maybe it's your turn to fight," he suggested. Giver her something to work towards, to hope for. "You find him this time. You're the one that brought him back from Time Compression from the way I understand it. No reason you can't do the same thing now. Find a way from here and to him. And until then we'll figure it out together."

It wasn't that simple, but he didn't exactly know how to comfort someone in need.

Edited 2018-12-11 02:36 (UTC)

Rinoa often forgot her strongest moments; it was easier to think of the ways she still needed to be strong, than give herself credit for the ways she already was. She did find Squall, and she remembered that moment, when she was ready to give up, and she refused. She wouldn't let him fade away, because they made a promise to find one another no matter what. She sniffed and thought through what Nida was saying, confused and uncertain.

"Find a way to him? Like find out how to leave here?" That was a really tall order, and it was something she knew much smarter and powerful people were working on. But okay, they could still work on it, and maybe she could too. She could provide support? Oh who knew what she could offer. Rinoa was torn in half, the stubborn half stomping a foot and insisting they could change the world, and the sad half saying nothing they did could ever matter. She breathed in and out slowly.

"I don't have any magic left. I wish I had magic, maybe I could do something." She couldn't believe that she was wishing to be a sorceress again, with all the negative aspects that exemplified for her, but it was the only thing that made her truly powerful. Rinoa sniffed again and sat up away from him, taking off her coat and wiping her tears off with her sleeve. They didn't have paper to waste on tears, and clothes could be washed. "If Squall couldn't find me for years, what can I do?"

What could she do? Well, Nida knew for a fact that the woman had to be stubborn to even manage to get Squall, so she had that going in her favor. How to put that in a kind way? TO make it seem like a strength?

"You know I'm from Timber," Nida observed after a moment. Yes, this was clearly the right approach. Or he hoped that, hoped it rather desperately. Because that was about the best he could come up with. "You don't know my parents were members of the Forest Foxes. They spent a long time, even before I was born, working toward Timber's freedom. And I'd point out my parents were former Galbadian soldiers. They were killed when they were caught, that's why I was sent to Garden. Nearly a decade of work, and they died. And then there's you, Rinoa. Barely any time at all and you earned Timber's freedom. In the face of some really bad stuff. You weren't a Sorceress then. You barely had any combat training. I have a hard time thinking you can't achieve what you want if you put yourself to it."

Something Nida hadn't even managed on his own. He never even got a chance.

Rinoa glanced up at him, tears still shining in her eyes. She did know that he was from Timber, but the rest? She didn't know. She listened and felt the stirring of a mix of emotions, this time with pride laced into it. A lot of people assumed she joined the fight just to spite her father, and that was a bonus, but Rinoa did it because she believed with every fiber of her being it was the right thing to do. The Galbadian occupation was wrong, and the people deserved their freedom. She wasn't the best leader, but she tried.

To know that was noticed and appreciated by someone else? It meant so much to her. It was so easy to get lost in the sorceress and all the wild things that happened to her afterward, and forget where it all started. Especially once it felt like the world was against her. But that was her focusing on the negative, not on the things they accomplished. "Oh Nida." A few more tears dropped, but this time they were borderline happy, or at least emotional for the right reasons. Rinoa hugged him again. "You have no idea what that means to me."

Losing Squall was devastating but she also used to have a life before him, and she could continue to have one now. "You're right. I can't just give up entirely."

"I bought the land where I lived with my parents, Rinoa. Because of you I was able to by that land, even though the forest isn't there anymore," Nida shrugged. "I've been using my savings as a SeeD to rebuild my home. And frankly, I know nothing about building a log cabin, but I've been thinking about it, working on it. When I go home I'll get back to it, rebuilding what my parents made with their hands. And what you've given back to me. And you have no idea what that means to me."

She at least still had a family back home, and she'd have Squall when they got back. This place? It left Nida at just about the same place as home did, just without work. Without a purpose, without a goal to work toward. But the hug is a warm one and Nida actually holds her this time, because it's the right thing to do. And it's good for him too.

"There are a lot of people waiting for you back home, Rinoa. And I know Squall will be there too. Your friends like Selphie and Quistis and Irvine. Watts and Zone, I knew them in school, they need someone reasonable, level-headed to keep them going. And more than that, Rinoa? Someone has to teach our world not to fear Sorceresses. Edea can't do that because of what happened. I think that's meant to be you. I think you and Squall aren't done changing our world. So don't get down, okay? Because if you do, I'm going to have to do silly things like prat-falls to try and make you smile and I'm terrible at them."

"Oh I'm just going to keep crying and crying, thank you. I'm so glad you got that land." This was the kind of emotion she was okay with. It was overwhelming too, between her grief and now knowing that her actions mattered to someone in such a concrete way. But she was glad he told her. He was such a dear man and Rinoa was glad they got this time to get to know each other better, even if it was under these circumstances. She closed her eyes and took the hug and the comfort. It was going to be awhile before she felt like herself again, but she also hadn't felt like herself since coming here anyway. It was still so much. But she still had Nida.

Don't take him away too, powers that be.

She pulled back from the hug and nodded. He was right. She had a responsibility to their world. Rinoa tried to avoid the reality of what she was, but the world was aware that there was another sorceress. And that this one at least managed to save everyone and stop the evil one for good. She smiled at his offer to pratfall to make her smile, so that was a success. There was a lot of sadness in it still, but she was trying. "I want to go back, but I'm not sure what we can do. There's a lot of formerly super powered heroes here and they haven't gotten us anywhere."

"And here's the difference between you and them," Nida answered, a playful smile in his eyes. "These supposed 'super powered' heroes weren't a determined woman who didn't have super powers and still saved the world."

That isn't entirely true. She had GFs to enhance her, and then her power as a Sorceress, but Nida intended to leave her thinking better of herself. To build her up. Because he intended to protect her even from her own blues.

"Oh stop it, if I'm not crying I'm going to be blushing!" Rinoa smiled weakly for the first time that day, and she feels a little overwhelmed with the mixture of emotions going on. Grief and devastation with gratitude for Nida and also the discomfort/flattery of him thinking she was someone special.

"Okay I'm going to wash my face and maybe lie down for awhile. I just ... have to let myself be sad." It wasn't something she could turn on and off. Maybe she'd pick herself up tomorrow or the day after. His words really did help and she would be repeating them to herself for awhile, but right then, she wanted to lie down in Squall's bed and smell him and probably cry some more. "Thank you, Nida."

[ooc: going to do her updated ota in the morning, she was too sad in this one to continue lol]

"You're welcome Rinoa. And I'm here for you, Rinoa."

There was nothing else he could do. He watched her rise and just smiled. There was no way he could make this better. But damn if he wasn't going to do everything he could to make this as painless as possible for her. Make sure she didn't have to think.

[OOC: No problem. She needs hugs.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

My last night here with you? Maybe yes, maybe no.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject