It wasn't a bullshit letter. That was me trying to apologize.
[ That was Steve looking at his own motivations and recognizing it wasn't about sparing anyone's feelings but his own. Because, like it or not, he's always going to want to protect Bucky and protect himself on the subject of Bucky. Call it hubris or a sin or a flaw. Maybe it's all three. The point is that he can't be completely subjective about his oldest friend.
Steve doesn't try to explain that. Instead he listens. Keeps his mouth shut and listens, attention wholly on Tony. There's a lot to unpack here, a much of it he's going to have to turn over and examine later, in a space that's not so confrontational. Not so heavy with missed opportunities and misconceptions. And that, he thinks, is at the heart of ... this mess between them. ]
... That's close to how I felt. That you keep me around, or did, because I was useful. Because I was Captain America, the guy from all the history books. I thought -- or maybe I hoped -- that someday you'd stop making fun of me and maybe we could build something more solid. More equal. Less feeling like I was the butt of jokes that only you knew the punchline to.
[ He straightens, holding up a hand, palming facing toward Tony. ]
I said in that letter that I've never fit in. Never felt like I did. As a kid, definitely not in the orphanage, not even as an artist. I'm not great at reading social situations. That's one of the things you're better at. I just ...
I'm assuming things and you're assuming things but we haven't really talked. Have we? Not like this. And you're right, we should have. [ Steve reaches up with that same hand, scrubs it through his hair, clearly trying to find the right words. ] We can't change what's already happened. And arguing over it all the time isn't going to help. It might make me feel a little better, might do the same for you. But it won't help.
(It won't do anything but make things worse. I want to do better, even if this fails.)
So how about this. We start clean here. We talk, honestly. Even if it hurts. If I don't understand something, I'll ask. And you can ask me to clarify things too..
no subject
[ That was Steve looking at his own motivations and recognizing it wasn't about sparing anyone's feelings but his own. Because, like it or not, he's always going to want to protect Bucky and protect himself on the subject of Bucky. Call it hubris or a sin or a flaw. Maybe it's all three. The point is that he can't be completely subjective about his oldest friend.
Steve doesn't try to explain that. Instead he listens. Keeps his mouth shut and listens, attention wholly on Tony. There's a lot to unpack here, a much of it he's going to have to turn over and examine later, in a space that's not so confrontational. Not so heavy with missed opportunities and misconceptions. And that, he thinks, is at the heart of ... this mess between them. ]
... That's close to how I felt. That you keep me around, or did, because I was useful. Because I was Captain America, the guy from all the history books. I thought -- or maybe I hoped -- that someday you'd stop making fun of me and maybe we could build something more solid. More equal. Less feeling like I was the butt of jokes that only you knew the punchline to.
[ He straightens, holding up a hand, palming facing toward Tony. ]
I said in that letter that I've never fit in. Never felt like I did. As a kid, definitely not in the orphanage, not even as an artist. I'm not great at reading social situations. That's one of the things you're better at. I just ...
I'm assuming things and you're assuming things but we haven't really talked. Have we? Not like this. And you're right, we should have. [ Steve reaches up with that same hand, scrubs it through his hair, clearly trying to find the right words. ] We can't change what's already happened. And arguing over it all the time isn't going to help. It might make me feel a little better, might do the same for you. But it won't help.
(It won't do anything but make things worse. I want to do better, even if this fails.)
So how about this. We start clean here. We talk, honestly. Even if it hurts. If I don't understand something, I'll ask. And you can ask me to clarify things too..
Is that okay?