There's strain to hear and stiffness to feel, the back at his arm, the shoulder at his cheek. But Jude wants to take Bodhi at his word if it means he doesn't have to pull away. He wants to tell Bodhi that it's fine, that if he can't he should just let go - but he doesn't want to know in this moment that Bodhi can't. He doesn't want Bodhi to pull away.
It isn't fair, but it's the way it is. Comfort is a thing to take, and it isn't so easy a thing for everyone to give.
That gets him through the first moment. The second, he thinks: maybe if he just does it, and the world doesn't collapse around them, Bodhi won't mind it. After that, he just feels rotten. If he needs something to hold onto, the dog is behind them, there are pillows at the top of the bed. Why is a kiss so much easier than this?
He doesn't ask. He just relaxes his hold until he can pull his hands back into his lap, folding them there. It leaves him leaned into Bodhi's shoulder, and there's nothing wrong with that - it's better than he hoped to get. "You don't have to make yourself."
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It isn't fair, but it's the way it is. Comfort is a thing to take, and it isn't so easy a thing for everyone to give.
That gets him through the first moment. The second, he thinks: maybe if he just does it, and the world doesn't collapse around them, Bodhi won't mind it. After that, he just feels rotten. If he needs something to hold onto, the dog is behind them, there are pillows at the top of the bed. Why is a kiss so much easier than this?
He doesn't ask. He just relaxes his hold until he can pull his hands back into his lap, folding them there. It leaves him leaned into Bodhi's shoulder, and there's nothing wrong with that - it's better than he hoped to get. "You don't have to make yourself."