For a while Bodhi borrows enough alright from Jude to get by. The quiet and the heat, the sleeping comfort of Jude himself (fortunately he likes being a pillow), the distance between him and the house where his friend just isn't all together leave him calm. He watches the fire. He meditates as best he can with Jude on him.

But eventually the mind will wander, and once he loses his grip on serenity, it vanishes. Kira is gone. Their minds aren't their own. Reality is as compromised out of his head as in. What happened to the person Kira was with the memories that belonged to this past year? What happened to the Bodhi Rook there used to be, and how many have there been?

He promises himself he's just pacing once around, relieving the restless pressure behind his eyes. He takes his time carefully easing away from Jude and making sure he's comfortably asleep.

The moment he steps out of Jude's cave of warm security, that all shatters. When cold and dark catch at him, so does everything else. The only directive he can hold in his mind is to not bother Jude. Paying back all this by waking him up and acting stupid would be as miserable as it was humiliating. He does his best to sneak on his way to the kitchen. A kitchen is its own kind of sanctuary. He makes it to the table before the sobs start and he buries his face in his arms to muffle the sound.